Fear of Stable and United Africa

Question: What do you know about Africa, and what have you been taught or told about it? What images have you seen on TV? Have you visited? Do you know any Africans? Think about the impressions that you have of the continent, its people, and of the countries that comprise it…now let’s flip the script… 

Imagine for a moment that all 54 sovereign nations in Africa were 1) at peace, 2) politically stable, 3) economically independent/viable, and 4) united in official economic and political partnership through an African Union. Imagine an Africa that controls 100% of its own natural resources which are responsible for everything from the diamonds in your jewelery, to the cocoa in your chocolate, to the chips in your cell phone. Imagine an Africa free of rampant disease and poverty. Imagine 1 billion+ Africans (almost 15% of the world’s population) with a united voice and purpose working toward peace, and prosperity, with the aim of rectifying past wrongs and striving toward a brighter future – controlling their own collective destiny. In the same way that the rise of China is making the rest of the world sit up and pay attention, the rise of strong and united African nations will upend the Euro-American hegemony that currently pulls the strings of world events. 

We currently operate in a world driven by globalization and capitalism or perhaps more accurately, the globalization of capitalism, as spread by Western nations throughout the world for both economic and political purposes. It is a system that claims to benefit all, yet mysteriously only advantages the fortunate minority who already control the majority of the world's capital. We seem to live in a world operating with Orwellian, "Animal Farm" logic in which, "all humans/nations are equal, but some humans/nations are more equal than others." Apparently Africa falls into the "less equal" category as evidenced by its history. No other continent has been invaded, conquered, enslaved, raped, pillaged, exploited, subjugated, and impoverished for as long or in as systematic a fashion as Africa. I am careful not to play the "who suffered more" game, nor am I ignorant of the role that Africans themselves play (in recent history) in perpetuating the status quo. What I am trying to draw attention to is the fact that it is in the direct and best interests of the "powers that be" (A.k.a. the permanent members of the UN Security Council and most industrialized Western nations) to keep Africa poor, uneducated, fearful, and as destabilized as possible in order to maintain the current balance of world economic and political power.

Two simple observations: people who are more concerned with their daily survival do not have the time, energy, or even presence of mind to concern themselves with issues beyond meeting their basic necessities. People who are poor and hungry are easily controlled – a fact most effectively exploited under feudalism.

On the other hand, people with resources, education, courage, and stability are not easily controlled – in fact, they are very DANGEROUS! 

There are few things more dangerous than unrealized potential, so it benefits the “powers-that-be” for Africa to remain stuck in the purgatory of “what could be.” 

Borrowing from a spoken word poet named Shadokat, this is the first of many “mind-rocks” I will be slingin’ at the establishment in an effort to call attention to and dismantle a long broken system…

Pick up your mind-rocks, this is a call to arms…

The revolution will not be televised…

Peace,

A-i-T

PS. This is the Africa they never show you on TV – if the world continues to think of us as perpetually poor and struggling, it then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy…

How Many Dates Until a Woman Pays?

It's been a while since I've done a relationship post, but I was talking to one of my boys the other day when he posed this question, "how many dates should you take a girl out on before she pays?" I couldn't think of a better topic to reengage with...!

We are in 2010, and women have fought for and reclaimed equality in many areas of life, from the workplace, to education, to the bedroom. Women are taking charge and have established equal footing (as it should be) with men across various aspects of life and in the dynamics of male/female relationships. However, there are still certain realms that remain conspicuously untouched -- one of these is dating, and specifically, the issue of who pays when and for what. The question here is, why does the push for equality end when it comes to who picks up the check at the end of a date? 

They say that art imitates life, so let's have a quick listening session to examine the perspectives from both sides of the dating dinner table (you may click each link for a quick listen if you like): 

Ladies:

-Exhibit A: Destiny's Child - Bills, Bills, Bills 

Lyrical Excerpt: Can you pay my bills/ Can you pay my telephone bills/ Can you pay my automo'bills/ Then maybe we can chill/ I don't think you do/ so you and me are through...

-Exhibit B: Destiny's Child - Independent Women

Lyrical Excerpt: Tell me how you feel about this/ Try to control me boy you get dismissed/ Pay my own fun, oh and I pay my own bills/ Always 50/50 in relationships...

Gentlemen:

-Exhibit C: Ne-Yo - She Got Her Own

Lyrical Excerpt: I love her cause she got her own/ She don't need mine, so she leave mine alone/ There ain't nothing that's more sexy/ Than a girl that want but don't need me.../ I love it when she say/ It's cool I got it, I got it, I got it...

-Exhibit D: Ne-Yo - Miss Independent

Lyrical Excerpt: Ooh there's somethin about/ Kinda woman that can do for herself.../ There's somethin about her/ There's somethin oh so sexy about/ Kinda woman that don't even need my help/ She said she got it she got it no doubt/ There's something about her...

Looking over at the ladies side of the table, men either see confusion or a split between "traditional," versus more modern values. The former advocates that men should pay for dates (among other things) as they are "taking the woman out." The latter would argue that women are just as capable of paying, and it is in fact an assertion of their independence to exercise this right. The men's side trumpets in unison that men would LOVE for women to pay for dates. Men would tell you that they are even turned on by just the offer from a woman to pick up and/or split the bill -- better still if she executes. Nevertheless, some men are also traditional, and are comfortable or even prefer to pay for dates. But, should the man have to or be expected to pay every single time? (Though there is argument to be made about who made the plans -- i.e. if the man plans, he pays.)

I currently live in NYC, so let's do the local dating math for the typical dinner/movie date:

-Dinner + drinks for two at a mid-range restaurant = $50-$80

-Movie for two (excluding snacks) = $26 (regular), $29 (3D), or $38 (IMAX)

-Total: Low end = $76-$79; High end = $118 

I don't know about you, but to me, that's expensive. Many men (especially in the current economy) operate with this rubric in the back of their minds:  After 3-5 dates, the girl should start picking up some of the tab. Example: if a man takes a woman to dinner and spends around $100 and then they go to a movie, he would appreciate the woman paying for the movie. Ultimately, men are advocating for balance. 

Most men don't want to be looked at as a source of free drinks, meals, and other entertainment when they date. From the male perspective, men put out/sacrifice a lot when it comes to dating at the risk of receiving little to nothing in return. There are no guarantees in dating, and I have friends (quality guys btw) with $200 date stories that never led to date #2. The ball truly is in the woman's court as she is essentially auditioning the man/men she is seeing. This is not to say the man completely lacks control, but if things don't work out after 3-5 dates, then he is out every dime that he spent getting to know/demonstrating interest/and even trying to impress woman X. Women get 3-5 outings for the price of their time (also valuable, I know).

After the 5th date, I think it's fairly safe to say that the relationship is starting to go somewhere and that both parties are developing a connection deeper than the initial attraction that brought them to the dinner table in the first place. Given that commitment levels, interest, and feelings are growing on both sides, is it fair for the man to continue to operate at the same level of financial output that it took to even get to date 5? Should a modern, independent woman sit back and watch a man open his wallet each time they go out if she has the means to foot half or even the entire bill? 

In this scenario, one might ask, "does the man's job and by extension his income matter?" For example if a lawyer man is dating a social worker woman, should he be 100% expected to pay for everything? What happens if we flip the roles/salaries and the woman makes significantly more than the man, should she still expect him to pay for most dates, even though it might be breaking his bank? Should who pays be date specific -- the more expensive dates picked up by the man, and the lesser by the woman? Should splitting the bill become the new modus operandi in the 3-5 date range? 

I realize that there is a definite slant toward the male perspective in this post. In A-i-T's/men's defense, let's look at how society has traditionally structured things: The man is expected to court a woman and generally pay for most if not all outings. In the long-run he is also expected to save around 3 months worth of salary to buy the engagement ring. Finally, in marriage, he is expected to be the main provider (mortgage, tuition, bills, etc.). What my friend and many men are saying is this: Given the immense financial burden of expectation traditionally, and still placed on men in the dating/relationship game, can we not catch a break and at least have the woman pay for that $50 meal or that $26 movie? In the end, if she doesn't pay, she could at least offer, and give the man right of refusal - is that so much to ask?

I'll end with this -- NBA almost great, Grant Hill, tested his wife-to-be by pretending to forget his wallet at home on a date to see if her reaction would be, "don't worry, I got it," or "what the ___!" They have now been married 11 years. Most guys are not making pro-athlete money, but all men appreciate a woman who will at least meet them half way... 

Fellow Adults-in-Training, what's your perspective on who should pay and when? Is there a date number threshold at which things should change? Do you have any feelings about the questions relating to income and/or modern versus traditional gender roles? 

Peace,

A-i-T

"Ten Things I Want To Say To A Black Woman" (Uplifting My Sistahs and Women in General)

I saw this video on a friend's Facebook page (thanks Cece!) the other day and just had to share it. Black women (and women in general) are too often the unsung heroes in life and society. As I grow together with my wife, another strong and beautiful black woman, I do my best celebrate and appreciate her in every way that I can. The gentleman in the video below, boiled down the essence of the love, respect, and admiration I have for all the women in my life, and poured it into words I could never quite so eloquently and lyrically manifest even on my best day.

So a dedication to my A-i-T sistahs of all hues and women of all races...enjoy this celebration of you!

Peace,

A-i-T

Sometimes You Just Gotta Push Through...

 "Sky is the limit and you know that you keep on/ Just keep on pressin' on/ Sky is the limit and you know that you can have what you want, be what you want, have what you want, be what you want..." ~Chorus from Notorious B.I.G.'s - "Sky's The Limit" (F. 112)

2010 has been an interesting and tough year, to say the least. Putting aside the natural disasters, the global economic crisis, and the most recent man-made environmental disaster in the Gulf of Mexico, on a more personal level, many people I know are going through some hard times -- shoot, I'm dealing with some stuff right now as I write this post. Life is full of ups and downs - that's nothing new - but for us A-i-T's, meeting the challenges that come with becoming grown folk (GF), well, these are novel as we haven't quite reached GF status just yet...There is something about this year that makes me feel as if many of us are facing those situations in life, those rights of passage that will eventually get us to GF status. The question is, how do we successfully pass through these trials, tribulations, and the sometimes just pure unnecessary drama, and come out on the other side as more fully formed A-i-T's? 

Recently, I must confess that I have caught myself looking at teens and even younger children with a slight degree of envy, thinking about how uncomplicated their lives are, and how relatively less complicated my own life was even just five years ago. We A-i-T's are now more than a few years removed from college, some of us are in our second or even third job, not having quite found the right fit. In recent times, some of us are between jobs -- and I say that on purpose to keep the faith that the next job is out there for you and I. Some of us (like me) are in grad school (whether by circumstance or by choice), trying to make affirmative moves toward starting or advancing a career -- but no matter where we find ourselves, we seem to be facing unprecedented personal challenges. Whether it's the death of loved ones, personal or familial health problems, foreclosure and other housing issues, financial troubles, or being hit by some intelligent driver in the parking lot, someone you or I know is going through it. What heartens and encourages me is that despite and in spite of  these circumstances, A-i-T's are keeping on...

In the midst of crisis, we all seek escape. I that sometimes I just want to go to sleep and be woken up once all the drama is over, but despite how hard things can get, if life was easy, it ultimately wouldn't be worth it. Why is it that we don't trust people who haven't been through anything? As the picture for this post says, "Life is a Beautiful Struggle." Without pain, we would not appreciate pleasure. Without sadness, joy would be that much less sweet, and without struggle, we would not revel in the times when life is flowing smoothly. The beauty lies, not in the easy times, but in what emerges from the tough ones...one place I look for inspiration and hope when I feel like the protagonist in a Greek tragedy, is my faith...

There is some great wisdom in this book called The BIBLE (Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth ~ GZA - "B.I.B.L.E.) -- and in times like these I look to James 1:2-4

"(2) Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, (3) because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. (4) Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

Whether or not you are Christian, the wisdom of these words is undeniable. Trials suck, there is no disputing that, but what you gain from passing through in terms of growth in mind and character is priceless. It's been a funky year for me and many others, but despite it all, sometimes you just gotta push through...as it's all part of the journey toward GF status. I did not write this post to provide solutions or resolutions, but to encourage my fellow A-i-Ts in facing whatever challenges they might be encountering.

"Stay far from timid/ Only make moves when ya heart's in it/ And live the phrase Sky's The Limit..." ~Notorious B.I.G. - "Sky's The Limit"

Peace,

A-i-T

Does Upgrading Your Wardrobe Make You A Poser?

Recently I got an email from one of my boys and just had to turn it into a post -- a slightly edited version appears below:

"Alright, so to my knowledge we all come from middle class families and did not grow up rich. And we are all black males growing up in America, attempting to be successful. So, I studied and went to college. I worked hard to find a good job so that I could buy the things I like. Now a lot of my clothes come from Brooks Brothers, JCrew, Johnston and Murphy etc., things I couldn't afford in college. I dress different now than I did in college; some would classify me as preppy. Yesterday, I went to a polo match in Greenwich, CT.  I mainly went for the tailgating and company of my friends, but I was criticized by another friend. I was told that I am being a poser, dressing a certain way and going to certain events to indicate that I come from money. I really didn't see it that way. I saw it as doing something different and being with my friends. I guess my point is that none of us dress how we used to dress, and we buy things that come with certain labels or indications of wealth, but does that make us posers?  Does that mean we have forgotten where we came from originally? Because I am from Queens, NY should I be anti experiencing a polo match? If I wear a seersucker jacket am I trying to be something I'm not?"

To me, his various friends' criticisms reek of "hater," but the issue goes much deeper than that. To me, it speaks to an extremely myopic vision/definition of what it means to be Black -- both within the black community and society at large. We are not (nor is any other race/ethnicity) one monolithic culture represented by one form of dress, one style of music, or a central brain directing our collective thoughts. Which authority said that buying JCrew, wearing a seersucker suit, or attending a polo match definitively falls outside the "Black experience," and makes my friend or anyone "less Black" or less whatever identity they are?

As a young, black, male, A-i-T, I am extremely aware of the fact that how I and my fellow men of color (MOC) dress, seems to define us more so than many other groups.Why should being Black (or any race) place boundaries on one's experience -- isn't it each individual's job to define his/her own experience as s/he sees fit? Why should it be that clothes define it for us?

Society would have you believe that the official young black male (YBM) uniform is Timberlands/Nikes, baggy/saggy jeans, a tilted baseball cap and a shirt from hip-hop fashion label X. I had my days wearing nothing but Ecko, but now I'm a little older, a little married, and a little working, and my tastes have changed. There is no judgment being passed on my part on anyone who still wears hip-hop fashions -- but herein lies the issue -- The clothing an MOC chooses to outfit himself with seems to speak volumes louder than for your average White (and maybe Asian) guy, and comes pre-loaded with a set of value judgments that he must disrobe himself of in order to be seen for who he truly is.

(Please feel free to comment/debate with me on these opinions/observations, because A-i-T is not a dictatorship -- it is OUR forum)

Think about it, is there any such thing as a typical young White male uniform (YWM)? Does one, or several possibilities come to mind? In contrast to the YBM uniform, which the average person can conjure up in seconds, the YWM uniform is very eclectic, hard to pigeon-hole, and does not necessarily define the wearer's entire identity. How a YBM dresses seems to sharply define his character and separate his identities. There is the presumed, "hood brotha," identifiable at 500 yards by the "YBM uniform" and living a struggling/hustling existence. There is also the "wall street brotha," who "made it" out the hood, as distinguished by his suit. For some strange reason, society says that these two individuals cannot occupy the same body - yet ignorance would dictate that my friend should show up to his finance job wearing Timbs and a do-rag because he's Black...how ridiculous is that?

Buried within this maze also lies class issues, which could fill an entire post. At the end of the day, however, my friend wears Brooks Brothers because that is the uniform at his job, which gives him the means to afford the label. His style of dress may have changed but it has not intrinsically changed his character, in the same way your fashion journey has not altered who you fundamentally are. I will freely admit to having issues with hipsters (the whole trend seems kinda forced), but in general, the notion that upgrading/changing one's wardrobe and having a few experiences outside their norm should make someone a poser, is dubious on its best day...

Adults-in-Training, have  you ever received criticism because your style or extracurricular activities have changed and/or differ from an old set of friends?

Peace,
A-i-T