Daddy Issues...Recognizing the Importance of Fathers

"We need fathers to step up, to realize that their job does not end at conception; that what makes you a man is not the ability to have a child but the courage to raise one," ~President Barack Obama 

I have to admit that my guilty pleasure is reality TV. I am fully aware of how mindless, superficial, and utterly ridiculous it can be, but sometimes that's exactly how I want my entertainment. As a therapist in training and aspiring blogger, however, reality shows are a goldmine for observing a variety of human behavior. Whether genuine or scripted melodrama, it's all information  for me to mull over and discuss. Some of the most disturbing yet data rich reality shows are those surrounding love and dating. They are filled with men and women who seemingly have no clue about what it means to establish, build, and maintain a stable and loving relationship beyond the superficial. As I watch more of these shows, a common thread seems to emerge that binds these wannabe celebreality stars, many come from family backgrounds with issues surrounding their fathers. 

I was watching VH1's, Tough Love the other day, where a mother/son matchmaking duo assist women who can't seem to find "Mr. Right," and have no idea why.  In a recent episode, the show's host asked each of the women to discuss their relationships with their fathers to find out if their past relationship with this important male figure in their lives, may have influenced their current issues/difficulties with men. Not surprisingly, every one of the women broke down and revealed pasts with absent, abusive (in various forms), or inconsistent relationships with their fathers. The impact of these traumatic father-daughter relationships seem to be the steady stream of broken women in this world, some of whom end up on this show and others like the Flava or Rock of Love and the latest awful iteration in the series, For The Love of Ray J. (Side note: I can't believe he and Brandy are biologically related and grew up in the same home...). The flip-side of the coin are the broken men in the world and on TV who have no clue how to treat a woman with respect and as having value beyond the bedroom, and do not understand what it means to raise a family.

I am a self-confessed mama's boy. I love and respect, my mother as a strong, independent and loving woman, and the woman I married shares those traits (maybe a few too many traits, but that's for another post). Mothers are the rock of every family and should be celebrated everyday for the multiple roles they play and the nurturing/teaching that they do. However, there are certain powers that even mothers do not possess:  

Beyond words...there are two key things that a mother cannot do:

1) Mothers cannot show/model for their sons how to be a man, especially relationally, regarding how to treat women or hold his own with other men.

2) Mothers cannot show/model for their daughters how they should expect and demand to be treated and valued or what a good man looks like. 

Last year, President Obama, rightly challenged fathers to step up and play their role, because it is vital for the proper upbringing of a child. This is not to knock single-parent families or say that people are automatically dysfunctional if one parent is missing, but rather to underscore the truth that children are supposed to have TWO parents in a loving, stable, and committed relationship. It is the first significant male/female relationship that a child ever sees, and it is the one they have the most exposure to. How a father treats his wife directly impacts the pattern of future relationships for his son/daughter by creating a blueprint. 

A friend's father once told her that he'd be, "the best boyfriend she ever had!" meaning that any boy/man that came after would have a tough time matching up, and I think that's exactly how it should be. To me this means modeling a good relationship with my wife everyday, and tangible actions with my daughter like "daddy/daughter days," and making sure she knows what it looks/feels like to have a man that supports, encourages, and loves her fully and unconditionally. With my son it would involve the same modeling, but also an emphasis on respecting his mother, which will translate into how he treats the women he will meet later on in life. These things may sound simplistic and are by no means earth shattering revelations, but some of the most powerful life lessons come from the most basic of actions. As a father, literally just being there, consistently, and with genuine effort can mean the world to a child, which was the message of the 2009 Father Involvement PSA ad campaign. It simply says: "Take the time to be a father today..."

There is obviously a need for us men to step up and act like grown folk and take care of our responsibilities. According to Fatherhood.gov: 

1) Children with involved, loving fathers are significantly more likely to do well in school, have healthy self-esteem, exhibit empathy and pro-social behavior, and avoid high-risk behaviors such as drug use, truancy, and criminal activity compared to children who have uninvolved fathers.

2) Studies on parent-child relationships and child well-being show that father love is an important factor in predicting the social, emotional, and cognitive development and functioning of children and young adults.

3) 24 million children (34 percent) live without their biological father. 

Gentlemen...I'd say it's time for us to step up!!! 

Fellow Adults-in-Training, what do you think about the fact we even need to call attention to the importance of fatherhood in the current and previous generations? Shouldn't it be a given? 

Peace,

A-i-T