My wife and I spent this past weekend visiting her cousin (we'll call her Nadia) + family down in Stafford, Virginia. Being an A-i-T who has spent most of his life in big cities, Stafford is a whole other world, but in a good way. Life is more spread out, everyone drives everywhere, and most people live in houses (as supposed to throwing money away in rent *A-i-T sheds tear*). I believe the technical/scientific term for places like this is, "suburbs."The air is cleaner and I actually saw stars each night, which you sometimes forget exist living amongst the bright lights of NYC. What made the biggest impression on me, however, was the prevalence of young families, defined here as couples who haven't quite hit 30, with at least 1.5 kids. It got me thinking, what is it about that environment versus NYC (and possibly other big cities) that facilitates and/or encourages families to get started earlier? Nadia has a great and some would say extraordinary family. She has two sets of twins: 1yr-old boys and 3yr-old girls. She calls them her "Four Under Four," and she is waiting for her show to get picked up by TLC or Bravo (nah, we all saw what happened to John and Kate). Anyway, she and her husband are about three years shy of 30, but are fully established as a family. My wife and I are excited about having kids, but are in year two of a five-year countdown toward popping out that first kid (I said that like it's easy...my apologies A-i-T ladies). We have our reasons: desire to switch/start new careers, hence grad school for us both, wishful travel plans as a young married couple, the notion of being somewhat "established," etc., finances, Finances, and did I mention FINANCES?
I love living in NYC because there is absolutely nowhere else on the planet like it, but I feel like it might discourage/delay young people in starting families...
I love living in NYC because there is absolutely nowhere else on the planet like it, but I feel like it might discourage/delay young people in starting families...
New York is a great place to be young whether single or married. It is the "concrete jungle where dreams are made," but what Jay-Z and Alicia conveniently glossed over in NYC's new official anthem, is the price tag associated with being a New Yorker. I've always told people that we pay a premium for the privilege of calling ourselves New Yorkers, but I propose that one of the true/tangible costs aside from dollars, is impacting when it makes cents to start a family.
Let's start with the basics. We all need a roof over our heads, but in NYC, these roofs are half-sized and twice the price. Nadia and her husband recently bought a five-bedroom house with a deck, on one acre of land, for around $200K. What' sad, is that their mortgage is the same as the rent for my one-bedroom 650sq. ft. apartment. Do you feel my pain yet? A family of four (not even six) in NYC will eventually need a three-bedroom apartment, which will run at least $3.5K (in Manhattan), and that's a conservative estimate since a one-bedroom apartment in the right zip code can cost that much. If you factor in food, clothing, school fees, and all the other expenses related to raising children + NYC's wonderful 8.875% sales tax, it almost seems like no one could afford to raise a family here. But people do...so who are they?
One thing that has caught my attention recently is the prevalence of old(er) families in NYC, defined as aged 35-40+ usually with just one young child. Graying fathers with toddlers seems to be a very common sight for me of late, and I'm guessing some of the factors mentioned above might feed into it. Older couples are likely to be more established in their careers and therefore financially stable, making having a family in a place like NYC a little easier. This is not to question anyone's family-planning decisions, but to examine factors behind what might be a trend.
Another potential issue is the fact that NYC and other big cities are transitional. People come for the experience, the career, the "money," but eventually leave to return to wherever home/family is. When deciding to start a family, aside from the expense factor, proximity to family can be critical. Aside from a markedly lower cost of living, Nadia is rich in family in VA. This means that there is no shortage of trustworthy, not to mention free, babysitters to take care of her kids. Grandma and grandpa, aunts, uncles, and cousins for many NYC or big city dwellers, are not a subway ride away, making childcare a very important consideration. For this A-i-T and his wife, our parents reside, not in a different zip but rather a different country code!
One could argue that previous generations (PGs) planned their life around having a family, while recent generations plan having a family around their life. Recent trends show couples marrying and starting families later than in PGs in order to establish their careers, accomplish goals, and secure their finances before having children. This shift in focus toward personal accomplishments preceding starting a family is clearly evident in big city environments and in wider contexts as well. While all these considerations are fundamentally sound, the flip-side argues that you can never be truly "ready," for kids, which is what I have to keep telling myself. I think of myself as a pretty logical person and would like to see certain things "in place" before a child enters my picture...but were you to paint a different scene around me like Stafford, Virginia...would Adult-in-Training become Father-in-Training sooner...?
Adults-in-Training, if you currently live in a big city...what are your plans for starting a family? Would those same plans change were you to live in a different environment?
Peace,
Let's start with the basics. We all need a roof over our heads, but in NYC, these roofs are half-sized and twice the price. Nadia and her husband recently bought a five-bedroom house with a deck, on one acre of land, for around $200K. What' sad, is that their mortgage is the same as the rent for my one-bedroom 650sq. ft. apartment. Do you feel my pain yet? A family of four (not even six) in NYC will eventually need a three-bedroom apartment, which will run at least $3.5K (in Manhattan), and that's a conservative estimate since a one-bedroom apartment in the right zip code can cost that much. If you factor in food, clothing, school fees, and all the other expenses related to raising children + NYC's wonderful 8.875% sales tax, it almost seems like no one could afford to raise a family here. But people do...so who are they?
One thing that has caught my attention recently is the prevalence of old(er) families in NYC, defined as aged 35-40+ usually with just one young child. Graying fathers with toddlers seems to be a very common sight for me of late, and I'm guessing some of the factors mentioned above might feed into it. Older couples are likely to be more established in their careers and therefore financially stable, making having a family in a place like NYC a little easier. This is not to question anyone's family-planning decisions, but to examine factors behind what might be a trend.
Another potential issue is the fact that NYC and other big cities are transitional. People come for the experience, the career, the "money," but eventually leave to return to wherever home/family is. When deciding to start a family, aside from the expense factor, proximity to family can be critical. Aside from a markedly lower cost of living, Nadia is rich in family in VA. This means that there is no shortage of trustworthy, not to mention free, babysitters to take care of her kids. Grandma and grandpa, aunts, uncles, and cousins for many NYC or big city dwellers, are not a subway ride away, making childcare a very important consideration. For this A-i-T and his wife, our parents reside, not in a different zip but rather a different country code!
One could argue that previous generations (PGs) planned their life around having a family, while recent generations plan having a family around their life. Recent trends show couples marrying and starting families later than in PGs in order to establish their careers, accomplish goals, and secure their finances before having children. This shift in focus toward personal accomplishments preceding starting a family is clearly evident in big city environments and in wider contexts as well. While all these considerations are fundamentally sound, the flip-side argues that you can never be truly "ready," for kids, which is what I have to keep telling myself. I think of myself as a pretty logical person and would like to see certain things "in place" before a child enters my picture...but were you to paint a different scene around me like Stafford, Virginia...would Adult-in-Training become Father-in-Training sooner...?
Adults-in-Training, if you currently live in a big city...what are your plans for starting a family? Would those same plans change were you to live in a different environment?
Peace,
A-i-T
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5 comments:
A large consideration lies in the premise that the desire to have a family surpasses the desire to do other things such as live in a large city, change career paths or further education. When one arrives at the more fulfilling immediate desire its easy to relocate, and reconsider our current livestyles. While where you live does influence when you have kids, when you have have kids will directly influence anything that happens next...
I believe Nadia says there's a cost to both styles of living. There are positive and negative aspects at both ends of the spectrum. When at crossroads, the decision between enjoying a busier life in a lit up city or relaxing in a peaceful suburb will be determined by one's abulity to engage in the "more fulfilling" faucets of life. That is, of course, what is definied as "more fulfilling" to them.
Where you reside should influence when you have children because demographics and statistics do not lie-they are at times just as predictive as history. The financial, social and physical gains or setbacks of one setting versus another speaks very clearly especially in specific areas. That's not to say that people who live in busy cities should not have children. Simply put,the quality of life,and financial responsibilities one inherits when having children has a lot to do with where you have them. Therefore, you are forced to look at where you are- where you want to stay- and what's the best timing. A much needed example of my point is Nadia-Lived closer to the city and would have loved to stay in her somewhat "hometown" area. 30 to 40 miles outside of that area...childcare drops within 50 to 100 dollars less per child per week. Real Estate drops 100k dollars for equivalent homes, and some parts of the school system are smaller and have great scores in acheievement. Crime occurs but statistically a little less often. At the time of her crossroads what was most fulfilling was childbearing and therefore the decision on where to live came with that territory as an unselfish consideration and sacrifice.
Later in life there will be time for a faster paced lifestyle. Luckily later will not be extremely older because we also chose to have children early. But for now attention is totally focused on my 4 under 4....I wouldn't have it any other way!
And what do you do when you're from NYC? My questions lately are - how will I ever be able to afford to raise a family near the city I love where I have family back-up? And how, as a die-hard New Yorker, could I ever bring myself to move to that weird nebulous place they call "The Suburbs"?
@4under4: you make some excellent points that I didn't think of. Most definitely when starting a family is a priority, any A-i-T will take the necessary steps to make it happen, whether moving to the suburbs or getting a better paying job. It's true that having kids "earlier" allows you to enjoy your life on the back end, once the kids are in college and otherwise grown...There are so many things to consider, but you survey your circumstances and ultimately you do what's best for you and your family. Stay focused on those 4under4! Look forward to reading your blog!
@Rachel: For you my dear Rachel, grandma and grandpa actually are a subway ride away and NYC is truly your home. I hope my piece wasn't discouraging but these are the honest considerations an NYC A-i-T must think about. But we have to remember that you and I grew up in NYC and our parents did it somehow...so I'm sure we can too! I think in your position with your parents around it's an even better possibility for you than for an NYC transplant...what do you think?
How ironic, this was the very subject some of my friends and I were discussing the last year I was living in NYC and even the past months after I moved back. My take: while there is some correlation between the two, it's not necessarily causal. I have friends from both camps and from what I've observed, where they lived didn't necessarily influence when they'll have kids. It seems to me that it's more like, where one chooses to live indicates the type of individual they are and is a good signifier of which camp they'll most likely fall in. (If at 25 they already prefer the "burbs" then they are mostly likely the ones that will be married young AND have a house + kids before/by 30. The lifestyle they chose illustrated to me their priorities and goals in life. )
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