Sometimes You Just Gotta Push Through...

 "Sky is the limit and you know that you keep on/ Just keep on pressin' on/ Sky is the limit and you know that you can have what you want, be what you want, have what you want, be what you want..." ~Chorus from Notorious B.I.G.'s - "Sky's The Limit" (F. 112)

2010 has been an interesting and tough year, to say the least. Putting aside the natural disasters, the global economic crisis, and the most recent man-made environmental disaster in the Gulf of Mexico, on a more personal level, many people I know are going through some hard times -- shoot, I'm dealing with some stuff right now as I write this post. Life is full of ups and downs - that's nothing new - but for us A-i-T's, meeting the challenges that come with becoming grown folk (GF), well, these are novel as we haven't quite reached GF status just yet...There is something about this year that makes me feel as if many of us are facing those situations in life, those rights of passage that will eventually get us to GF status. The question is, how do we successfully pass through these trials, tribulations, and the sometimes just pure unnecessary drama, and come out on the other side as more fully formed A-i-T's? 

Recently, I must confess that I have caught myself looking at teens and even younger children with a slight degree of envy, thinking about how uncomplicated their lives are, and how relatively less complicated my own life was even just five years ago. We A-i-T's are now more than a few years removed from college, some of us are in our second or even third job, not having quite found the right fit. In recent times, some of us are between jobs -- and I say that on purpose to keep the faith that the next job is out there for you and I. Some of us (like me) are in grad school (whether by circumstance or by choice), trying to make affirmative moves toward starting or advancing a career -- but no matter where we find ourselves, we seem to be facing unprecedented personal challenges. Whether it's the death of loved ones, personal or familial health problems, foreclosure and other housing issues, financial troubles, or being hit by some intelligent driver in the parking lot, someone you or I know is going through it. What heartens and encourages me is that despite and in spite of  these circumstances, A-i-T's are keeping on...

In the midst of crisis, we all seek escape. I that sometimes I just want to go to sleep and be woken up once all the drama is over, but despite how hard things can get, if life was easy, it ultimately wouldn't be worth it. Why is it that we don't trust people who haven't been through anything? As the picture for this post says, "Life is a Beautiful Struggle." Without pain, we would not appreciate pleasure. Without sadness, joy would be that much less sweet, and without struggle, we would not revel in the times when life is flowing smoothly. The beauty lies, not in the easy times, but in what emerges from the tough ones...one place I look for inspiration and hope when I feel like the protagonist in a Greek tragedy, is my faith...

There is some great wisdom in this book called The BIBLE (Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth ~ GZA - "B.I.B.L.E.) -- and in times like these I look to James 1:2-4

"(2) Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, (3) because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. (4) Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

Whether or not you are Christian, the wisdom of these words is undeniable. Trials suck, there is no disputing that, but what you gain from passing through in terms of growth in mind and character is priceless. It's been a funky year for me and many others, but despite it all, sometimes you just gotta push through...as it's all part of the journey toward GF status. I did not write this post to provide solutions or resolutions, but to encourage my fellow A-i-Ts in facing whatever challenges they might be encountering.

"Stay far from timid/ Only make moves when ya heart's in it/ And live the phrase Sky's The Limit..." ~Notorious B.I.G. - "Sky's The Limit"

Peace,

A-i-T

The Gift & The Curse

We all know the saying, "With power comes great responsibility," but what is the companion to awareness? Grassroots movements, political campaigns, and corporations all rely on the concept of awareness/awareness raising, in order to advance their agendas. This is a logical and sometimes noble aim, but often, awareness without action is fundamentally useless. It's like standing at an ATM trying to take out money when you have $19.95 in your account -- ain't nuthin' gonna happen! (credit to a forgotten comedian for this image). Awareness is supposed to be empowering whether it's in mental health, education, or public policy. It should be the spark before the flame, or the realization that causes revolution. Awareness needs something backing it up, otherwise it is rendered life-less rather than life-giving. Now, let's have some fun with a tautology: 

Premise: Knowledge = Power = Responsibility

IF: knowledge is power

AND: awareness is tantamount to knowledge 

THEN: awareness is power 

THEREFORE: Awareness = Responsibility 

If you are aware of something and do nothing, you might as well be oblivious because your awareness has done nothing to affect your actions. In this age of information overload, there is too much going on in the world that we are aware of, to sit by idly doing nothing. I am now finding that I can no longer exist like this. Through my experiences thus far as a counselor-in-training (C-i-T) and just generally becoming a more conscious A-i-T, my awareness of the world around me, my own thoughts/feelings/reactions to it, and even a heightened sensitivity to what is going on with others is really opening my eyes to how myopic my vision was before. Though I am an African man who has spent the majority of his life on foreign soil, through my classes and readings I am now more aware of the impact of race/racism, heterosexism, and even the invisible male privilege I carry around. I am more aware of the many "marginal" identity badges that people wear in this society and the plethora of "isms" that ride alongside. I am also becoming more aware of how critical social justice is within this and any society. As a result, I now see how many cracks there are in the image of what could be an immaculate society if we only took action to make it so. 

"All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men/women to do nothing"   

This awareness is a gift...I can see, understand, and experience more than I ever could before. It's like Neo in The Matrix proclaiming, "I know Kung-fu!" At the same time, I feel cursed...because I can't turn it off! Everywhere I go, and with everything I see and do, there is now a heightened level of awareness. I find myself, asking myself what is the deeper meaning, and how does it affect me/others? It's like having a computer program running in my mind's recesses 24/7, but with constant pop-ups when it detects something. What in the world do I do with this?!?! Do I rage against the machine, or simply was poetic on my blog and call it a day? 

Why not both? My future profession calls me to advocate for my clients, and on a higher level, for social justice. My faith and my humanity compel me on an even deeper level to do the same. In the past, I have shied away from being vocal when I encountered certain situations in public and even from approaching certain topics on my blog. Today is a new day, and the difference I can make is a large or as small as my sphere of influence. This blog falls within those bounds. From now on, I hope this blog can support those hard but necessary conversations, because they are part and parcel of what it means for us to be A-i-T's trying to get our grown folk on. I hope to use the power of this blog (whatever that might be) to responsibly turn awareness into action through the sharing of knowledge and diverse perspectives. 

The gift and the curse...well, that all depends on what we do with it... 

Fellow A-i-T's, what are you doing or going to do with your gifts? 

Peace,

A-i-T

Broken but Strong

It's been an interesting journey thus far as a counselor-in-training. This summer was emotionally intense in a way I could never have anticipated - yes, I said, "emotionally intense." I cried a couple times [*cough* - what?] I took an individual counseling skills class plus a group counseling class, in which we the students, also doubled as clients/group members. This means that instead of role-playing different scenarios, we actually bring in real issues from our lives, to give us real material to work with, that we might encounter in a real therapy session. Are you noticing the trend here? Basically, things got REALLY REAL, with anxiety, tears, and fears flying everywhere because life provokes those feelings sometimes. In swimming through all those stories and related emotions, it is easy to feel sad, depressed, angry, etc., which I felt at times, but ultimately I came out on the other side marveling at the strength of the human spirit. 

We currently live in a society, in the US especially, that seems to be doing everything it can to not feel. It is as if we are on a mission to rid ourselves of any emotion in what I'd like to call the "blind pursuit of happiness," which seems to mean a life devoid of any other emotions. If you are down take an upper, if you are up take a downer, if you can't get it up take Viagra, if your kid won't simmer down give him/her Ritalin, and all for what? This is not to rail against medication, because it does serve a purpose when used properly, but we live in a pill-popping, instant-fix, on-demand society where your emotional and other troubles are a doctor's prescription away from resolution. What ever happened to going through stuff and coming out on the other side a stronger, better, faster you? 

Through this process of becoming a "counselor," I have learned a lot about myself, one thing being that I intellectualize my emotions. I reason them away, which probably means I have never really felt their full depth and intensity. This A-i-T is supposed to have his business together and appear cool, calm, and collected at all times. A-i-T's cracks could not show, and that took more work than I ever realized. Any of you ever been there? All that stress and pressure on myself to keep it together, really only resulted in more stress and pressure. I had spent so much time trying not to feel, that I forgot how necessary it is to just feel sometimes. Society tells us that we are weak when we cry - whether you are a man or a woman - yet through recent experiences, I learned the opposite to be true: Sometimes we are the strongest when we are able to cry...when we are able to sit through and deal with our emotions directly.

In A-i-T's humble opinion, in our self-medicating society, alcohol, pill-popping, sex, and other pursuits are mere distractions, with temporary results at best. Facing our emotions, now that's the real challenge. Life can be as hard as it is beautiful, and many of us are facing/will face health issues, death in our families, financial difficulties, heartbreak, etc. Yet, somehow, we manage to keep on going. In my program, I am surrounded by individuals who are going through stuff, and yet they manage to work, maintain relationships, family obligations, balancing their personal life with the demanding life of master's level work, all in the pursuit of becoming a "wounded healer" (credit to Maria for that term).

My ethics professor said it best, "If you don't think you have any issues, that's your issue!"  

What I am seeing, through my classmates, friends, and even in my own life, is that though we are all broken in some way, we are still strong. This may sound biblical to some, and I am not shy to say that's part of my worldview, but it's also just keeping it true. We are all much stronger than we think we are, we just need to give ourselves permission to be broken, and to cry a little if/when necessary... 

Fellow Adults-in-Training, in what areas of your life do you feel broken but strong? When was the last time you allowed yourself a good cry? 

Peace,

A-i-T

Does Where You Live Influence When You Have Kids?

My wife and I spent this past weekend visiting her cousin (we'll call her Nadia) + family down in Stafford, Virginia. Being an A-i-T who has spent most of his life in big cities, Stafford is a whole other world, but in a good way. Life is more spread out, everyone drives everywhere, and most people live in houses (as supposed to throwing money away in rent *A-i-T sheds tear*). I believe the technical/scientific term for places like this is, "suburbs."The air is cleaner and I actually saw stars each night, which you sometimes forget exist living amongst the bright lights of NYC. What made the biggest impression on me, however, was the prevalence of young families, defined here as couples who haven't quite hit 30, with at least 1.5 kids. It got me thinking, what is it about that environment versus NYC (and possibly other big cities) that facilitates and/or encourages families to get started earlier? 

Nadia has a great and some would say extraordinary family. She has two sets of twins: 1yr-old boys and 3yr-old girls. She calls them her "Four Under Four," and she is waiting for her show to get picked up by TLC or Bravo (nah, we all saw what happened to John and Kate). Anyway, she and her husband are about three years shy of 30, but are fully established as a family. My wife and I are excited about having kids, but are in year two of a five-year countdown toward popping out that first kid (I said that like it's easy...my apologies A-i-T ladies). We have our reasons: desire to switch/start new careers, hence grad school for us both, wishful travel plans as a young married couple, the notion of being somewhat "established," etc., finances, Finances, and did I mention FINANCES?

I love living in NYC because there is absolutely nowhere else on the planet like it, but I feel like it might discourage/delay young people in starting families...

New York is a great place to be young whether single or married. It is the "concrete jungle where dreams are made," but what Jay-Z and Alicia conveniently glossed over in NYC's new official anthem, is the price tag associated with being a New Yorker. I've always told people that we pay a premium for the privilege of calling ourselves New Yorkers, but I propose that one of the true/tangible costs aside from dollars, is impacting when it makes cents to start a family. 

Let's start with the basics. We all need a roof over our heads, but in NYC, these roofs are half-sized and twice the price. Nadia and her husband recently bought a five-bedroom house with a deck, on one acre of land, for around $200K. What' sad, is that their mortgage is the same as the rent for my one-bedroom 650sq. ft. apartment. Do you feel my pain yet? A family of four (not even six) in NYC will eventually need a three-bedroom apartment, which will run at least $3.5K (in Manhattan), and that's a conservative estimate since a one-bedroom apartment in the right zip code can cost that much. If you factor in food, clothing, school fees, and all the other expenses related to raising children + NYC's wonderful 8.875% sales tax, it almost seems like no one could afford to raise a family here. But people do...so who are they?

One thing that has caught my attention recently is the prevalence of old(er) families in NYC, defined as aged 35-40+ usually with just one young child. Graying fathers with toddlers seems to be a very common sight for me of late, and I'm guessing some of the factors mentioned above might feed into it. Older couples are likely to be more established in their careers and therefore financially stable, making having a family in a place like NYC a little easier. This is not to question anyone's family-planning decisions, but to examine factors behind what might be a trend. 

Another potential issue is the fact that NYC and other big cities are transitional. People come for the experience, the career, the "money," but eventually leave to return to wherever home/family is. When deciding to start a family, aside from the expense factor, proximity to family can be critical. Aside from a markedly lower cost of living, Nadia is rich in family in VA. This means that there is no shortage of trustworthy, not to mention free, babysitters to take care of her kids. Grandma and grandpa, aunts, uncles, and cousins for many NYC or big city dwellers, are not a subway ride away, making childcare a very important consideration. For this A-i-T and his wife, our parents reside, not in a different zip but rather a different country code!

One could argue that previous generations (PGs) planned their life around having a family, while recent generations plan having a family around their life. Recent trends show couples marrying and starting families later than in PGs in order to establish their careers, accomplish goals, and secure their finances before having children. This shift in focus toward personal accomplishments preceding starting a family is clearly evident in big city environments and in wider contexts as well. While all these considerations are fundamentally sound, the flip-side argues that you can never be truly "ready," for kids, which is what I have to keep telling myself. I think of myself as a pretty logical person and would like to see certain things "in place" before a child enters my picture...but were you to paint a different scene around me like Stafford, Virginia...would Adult-in-Training become Father-in-Training sooner...? 

Adults-in-Training, if you currently live in a big city...what are your plans for starting a family? Would those same plans change were you to live in a different environment? 

Peace,

A-i-T

Daddy Issues...Recognizing the Importance of Fathers

"We need fathers to step up, to realize that their job does not end at conception; that what makes you a man is not the ability to have a child but the courage to raise one," ~President Barack Obama 

I have to admit that my guilty pleasure is reality TV. I am fully aware of how mindless, superficial, and utterly ridiculous it can be, but sometimes that's exactly how I want my entertainment. As a therapist in training and aspiring blogger, however, reality shows are a goldmine for observing a variety of human behavior. Whether genuine or scripted melodrama, it's all information  for me to mull over and discuss. Some of the most disturbing yet data rich reality shows are those surrounding love and dating. They are filled with men and women who seemingly have no clue about what it means to establish, build, and maintain a stable and loving relationship beyond the superficial. As I watch more of these shows, a common thread seems to emerge that binds these wannabe celebreality stars, many come from family backgrounds with issues surrounding their fathers. 

I was watching VH1's, Tough Love the other day, where a mother/son matchmaking duo assist women who can't seem to find "Mr. Right," and have no idea why.  In a recent episode, the show's host asked each of the women to discuss their relationships with their fathers to find out if their past relationship with this important male figure in their lives, may have influenced their current issues/difficulties with men. Not surprisingly, every one of the women broke down and revealed pasts with absent, abusive (in various forms), or inconsistent relationships with their fathers. The impact of these traumatic father-daughter relationships seem to be the steady stream of broken women in this world, some of whom end up on this show and others like the Flava or Rock of Love and the latest awful iteration in the series, For The Love of Ray J. (Side note: I can't believe he and Brandy are biologically related and grew up in the same home...). The flip-side of the coin are the broken men in the world and on TV who have no clue how to treat a woman with respect and as having value beyond the bedroom, and do not understand what it means to raise a family.

I am a self-confessed mama's boy. I love and respect, my mother as a strong, independent and loving woman, and the woman I married shares those traits (maybe a few too many traits, but that's for another post). Mothers are the rock of every family and should be celebrated everyday for the multiple roles they play and the nurturing/teaching that they do. However, there are certain powers that even mothers do not possess:  

Beyond words...there are two key things that a mother cannot do:

1) Mothers cannot show/model for their sons how to be a man, especially relationally, regarding how to treat women or hold his own with other men.

2) Mothers cannot show/model for their daughters how they should expect and demand to be treated and valued or what a good man looks like. 

Last year, President Obama, rightly challenged fathers to step up and play their role, because it is vital for the proper upbringing of a child. This is not to knock single-parent families or say that people are automatically dysfunctional if one parent is missing, but rather to underscore the truth that children are supposed to have TWO parents in a loving, stable, and committed relationship. It is the first significant male/female relationship that a child ever sees, and it is the one they have the most exposure to. How a father treats his wife directly impacts the pattern of future relationships for his son/daughter by creating a blueprint. 

A friend's father once told her that he'd be, "the best boyfriend she ever had!" meaning that any boy/man that came after would have a tough time matching up, and I think that's exactly how it should be. To me this means modeling a good relationship with my wife everyday, and tangible actions with my daughter like "daddy/daughter days," and making sure she knows what it looks/feels like to have a man that supports, encourages, and loves her fully and unconditionally. With my son it would involve the same modeling, but also an emphasis on respecting his mother, which will translate into how he treats the women he will meet later on in life. These things may sound simplistic and are by no means earth shattering revelations, but some of the most powerful life lessons come from the most basic of actions. As a father, literally just being there, consistently, and with genuine effort can mean the world to a child, which was the message of the 2009 Father Involvement PSA ad campaign. It simply says: "Take the time to be a father today..."

There is obviously a need for us men to step up and act like grown folk and take care of our responsibilities. According to Fatherhood.gov: 

1) Children with involved, loving fathers are significantly more likely to do well in school, have healthy self-esteem, exhibit empathy and pro-social behavior, and avoid high-risk behaviors such as drug use, truancy, and criminal activity compared to children who have uninvolved fathers.

2) Studies on parent-child relationships and child well-being show that father love is an important factor in predicting the social, emotional, and cognitive development and functioning of children and young adults.

3) 24 million children (34 percent) live without their biological father. 

Gentlemen...I'd say it's time for us to step up!!! 

Fellow Adults-in-Training, what do you think about the fact we even need to call attention to the importance of fatherhood in the current and previous generations? Shouldn't it be a given? 

Peace,

A-i-T

The Quarter Life Crisis: Fact, Fiction, or Modern Invention?

Stop me if this sounds familiar: you are an Adult-in-Training who is about 2-5 yrs removed from college. You are in your mid-to-late twenties and may or may not be onto your second or third job. You are either completing or seriously contemplating grad school (especially in this economy). Life may be going okay overall, but you are not 100% happy with or are somewhat unsure about the way things are turning out career-wise, relationship-wise etc. You also find yourself occasionally freaking out a little about why you don't have it all together yet cos now you're an adult. Sound familiar?
Well, it appears you've got a bad case of Quarter-Life Crisis... or do you? This could just be another disorder that the pharmaceutical industry is telling you that you have because they've already got a pill that will cure you or at least alleviate your symptoms (plus give you some of those awesome side effects).

Where is this pressure coming from that has us stressing out about growing into our own skin at our own pace? Who set the standards of achievement and the timeline for the 20-something trying to make their way in the world?

If we flashback a few generations ago (think grandparents and older), by age 25 most people were married, owned a home, had children (on the way at least), and were in a steady job that they would likely occupy until retirement. To most of us residing in 2009, this is a totally foreign and some might even say scary notion. Society's milestones have radically shifted in the last 30-50 years, in a direction that has given modern young adults an extra five to ten years (read: by age 35) to get established. If we are trending toward sinking our teeth into careers, getting married, and starting families later in life...why are 25-year olds freaking out these days (yelling "quarter-life crisis!") when in the grand scheme of life, we literally just took the training wheels off yesterday?

We are all Adults-in-Training, 'training' being the operative word. Most of us are truly on our own for the first time in our lives and working our way towards our goals. We are just getting used to seeing our own name on every bill that appears in the mail box. We are signing leases and dreaming of owning our own property. We are dragging ourselves to our jobs, looking forward to one day living for our careers. We are dating, hoping to find that special person to spend our life with. In other words, everything we are doing right now is just practice for the future.

We must learn to crawl before we can walk. We must learn to walk before we can run. We must learn to run before we can fly. All of us must pass through these stages before we can truly take flight...but let us not forget that no two A-i-T's will pass through at these stages at the same time or at the same rate. To put things in perspective, I am two years older than Lebron James, but never in my life will I be as rich and famous as he is or amaze the world with my skill, and that's okay. Lebron James will never be a therapist and help people resolve problems on a personal level like I will once I finish grad school, and that's okay too.

There is a lot of pressure to succeed in today's fast paced world, but all the indicators of success seem to be external, superficial, and most of all, totally arbitrary. Who are we trying to keep pace with, or who should be we be keeping pace with other than ourselves? Society may set the tempo, but we can still decide how we are going to dance. I'm gonna go ahead and chalk up this quarter-life-crisis to fiction and modern invention. If our parents and grandparents weren't flipping out at age 25, then why should we?

So Adults-in-Training, let's chill out a little in this basketball game called life. We have three more quarters to go and the ball is in our collective hands...

Adults-in-Training, do you believe in the "quarter-life-crisis" or is it just a social construction or self-imposed illusion?

Peace,
A-i-T

What is (Age) Appropriate Dresscode? Part 2: For the Fellas...

I recently received an email from a close friend of mine after he read my post on dress code for the 25+ set (What is (Age) Appropriate Dress Code?), and he made some great comments/statements which I thought I'd share and attempt to respond to: 

"Seriously, what is the appropriate dress code for 26-somethings??? When I'm not working, I never know what to wear anymore. Also, how much should I be looking to spend to overhaul my closet?  I don't have the luxury of a woman's touch in my household..." 

For those guys out there who don't have a girlfriend/fiancee/wife editing your closet and using you like a life-size Ken doll, upgrading your style/overhauling your closet can certainly be a challenge. Though my wife has been a great help, I'm still tryin' to figure this stuff out for myself...because at the end of the day, it's got to be my comfort and my style.

Fortunately or unfortunately, for us men, our clothing choices are somewhat limited. When we go to work, it's either a suit and tie or whatever degree of "business casual" your office operates by. The toughest decision we have to make is what color shirt to wear and to make sure our belt matches our shoes -- some of us don't even get that far. What then do we do for the approximately 54 hours (Friday - Sunday) where we actually get to choose our look?!?! 

Disclaimer: I am not a fashion expert by any means. I am not necessarily up on the latest trends, but I do try to pay attention. I am mos def NOT a label chaser. What I am is a guy who does his best to look neat (I iron a lot, my wife/friends will tell you), and I never wear anything that doesn't work/complement my body type. In this piece I'm not going to tell you what to wear, but rather, how to...  

Figure out "what you want to look like:"

-Pick a style icon/trend that you can identify with -- in other words, find some inspiration. This icon can be anything from your favorite male celebrity to that guy at your office or favorite hang out spot that always looks sharp. I'm not advocating biting anyone's style, but I am saying to take notes.

-Check out your favorite men's magazine (both print and online) such as GQ, Men's Health, Esquire, or Ecko's Complex magazines for fashion ideas, tips, and current trends to help get a sense of what's out there. You can't create your new style if you don't know what your options are...

Start assembling your look by buying "pieces" NOT outfits:

-Once you identify what you like and you think will look good on you, go out and start trying and buying pieces here and there. This will allow you to gradually transform your overall look. Sometimes all it takes is a nice fall jacket, a great watch, a fresh pair of kicks, or even finding a store where clothes just fit better in order to transform your whole appearance...

-The idea is to be able to mix and match. If you go out and buy a full OUTFIT...it's hard to take one piece Out Of It and wear it with something else...

-Right now more tailored shirts and slimmer fitting jeans are in. For most guys with an average to athletic build, a well tailored shirt and less baggy jeans will give you a leaner and cleaner cut look. For slightly shorter guys like myself (5ft.7), this look even helps you look a little taller... 

Shop within your budget and don't sleep on discount retailers:

-Don't go and break the bank to upgrade your style. Fly + Broke = Not a Good Look

-For me, Express and H&M have been invaluable in helping me change/upgrade my style without spending too much...the styles are fresh and always reflect the latest trends without high fashion prices -- and the quality is pretty good.

-Don't forget about the Gap/Old Navy, Filene's Basement, TJ Maxx, Marshalls, Loheman's, and other such stores. You're gonna have to dig...but if you go in knowing what you're looking for...when you find it, the price will make it all worth it...

Above all...have fun with it and don't try and follow trends blindly. Just cos it's hot right now does not mean it looks hot on you... 

I hope this was helpful...please let me know if you have any additional input or if I missed anything...

Peace,

A-i-T

What Exactly is (Age) Appropriate Dress Code?

“I don’t wear jerseys, I’m 30 plus, give me a crisp pair of jeans [fella] button ups …” ~Jay-Z – “What More Can I Say” (The Black Album)

When did it become “cool” to wear pants that you clearly bought in the junior’s section? When did it become “normal” to wear said pants below your butt and show the world varying amounts of your boxers (in bad cases boxer briefs) depending on how long your shirt is? When did it become “okay” to have to walk like you are carrying more than just your wallet in your back pocket? I don’t know about you, but to me, this latest fashion fad is TERRIDICULOUS! (Yes, you heard me!) This is an extreme example, but my question is, what is (age) appropriate dress code for an Adult-in-Training, and at what point should you let certain trends go?

For better or worse, your style and general outward appearance says a lot about you. It is the first impression you give to the world before they know the content of your character, the depth of your personality, or the fertility of your mind. Whether you are a label chaser or someone who purposely tries to look like they’re not trying (I personally don’t get that) we all make some sort of statement by what we wear. Given the profound weight we attach to such a superficial construct, how should an Adult-in-Training dress in order to “look” the part?

I am a long time lovH.E.R. of hip-hop and its innovative fashion and I definitely went through my phases with baggy jeans and t-shirts from the likes of Tommy Hilfiger/Nautica (flashback to middle school) and then Ecko, Mecca, Triple 5 Soul (high school/college). But nowadays, as a result of age, changes in taste and self-image, not to mention some um, tasteful “editing” of my closet done by girlfriend, fiancée, and now wife (yes at each stage she got bolder!) I now have a completely different wardrobe from what I had four years ago (we know how you ladies do. This sounds like another blog entry!). If I had the cash, I’d totally be a sneaker-head, but I still appreciate a fresh pair of kicks.
***Check out my girl Shelby's post, "Fresh Sneakers," also on this topic***

I’m 26 and comfortable with where I currently am fashion-wise, but I wonder, will my current wardrobe work for me when I’m 30? 35? When I’m a dad? In my experience, I don’t have a clear memory of my dad wearing sneakers when we weren’t on the tennis court. At what point do sneakers become purely athletic wear and no longer a fashion statement? When do loafers or some other more adult-looking shoes become my status quo? Should my jeans and my wardrobe become more “fitted” or dare I say more conservative as I grow older? I have it in my head sometimes that since I’m married…I should look a certain way. When I become a dad, I also somehow feel that I should look a certain way.

Now, this post is obviously written from a male perspective, but I think women are differently, if not less affected by this issue because there is so much more freedom/variety in constructing personal style (I could be wrong). I also think there may be more fluidity in so called (age) "appropriate" fashion allowing a 25 year old and 35 year old woman to have similar taste. The lines are definitely being blurred for men, but I think the paradigm wardrobe shifts are more dramatic as we age…

Fellow Adults-in-Training, what to you constitutes (age) appropriate dress code? Are we being too judgmental on the sagging pants trend? Should people be allowed to express themselves any way they want? How should style evolve with age if at all? Should what we wear even matter in relation to our age? What fashion trends do you feel HAVE TO be let go at different stages?

Peace,
A-i-T

Who Am I and What Did I Do...?

On my way to visit a friend the other night, I passed by a group of about 20 people setting up to sleep outside for the night on the sidewalk in front of a store. No tents, no sleeping bags, many didn’t even have the typical woven sleeping mat – their bed was the cold, hard concrete and the cloth they wrapped themselves in. Here am I driving in a car that I didn’t buy, with food in my stomach that I didn’t cook, and a roof over my head I will be returning to that I don’t rent or own but can live in as if it were my own. As these thoughts paraded through my mind, I thought to myself – “Who am I and what did I do to deserve the life that I currently lead?”

I recently finished reading the latest Malcolm Gladwell book, “Outliers.” This book helped put into sharp perspective for me that a lot of the comfort, achievement, and success, that I (and many of us) enjoy today came not as a result of anything that I did, but a combination of blessing (some say luck/fate) and the work of those that came before me. A lot of who I am and what I have today came as a result of being born into it – the work contributed on my part? In the grand scheme, virtually a drop in the bucket. But this is not to say that I haven’t worked hard -- little drops of water makes a mighty ocean – all of us are contributors at our own level.

The book talks about how inherent advantages, life chances, etc. can cause two people with the same capabilities to have completely divergent life outcomes. It explores random factors such as being born during a certain part of the year, coming of age during a particular time-span in history, having chance access to a new technology, etc.. These seemingly innocuous factors can contribute, purely by chance, to a skyrocketing trajectory for some, and a merry-go-round ride for others.

As many of you know, I come from Ghana. We are a nation with great potential which we are steadily working toward, but one thing we still struggle with is the creation of a true middle-class. Right now, to be frank, you either have or you don’t. This is a story that is true around the world – there may be more money in industrialized nations, but the income inequality can be just as stark. I remember my father sitting me down one day and telling me outright; “You are lucky. The fact that you can wake up and get in a car [albeit a nice one] puts you in a different position that a vast majority of people in this country [Ghana], and in this world.” How do you react to that?

This piece is not meant to be a guilt-ridden confession or change manifesto, of an advantaged, college educated, middle-class man. It is rather a wake-up call to remind myself not to get lulled into a state of self-satisfied smugness where I rest on laurels that I only partially earned. I was born to two highly educated parents, who in their own right have achieved quite a bit. They both come from a stock of education and achievement that afforded them their life chances and a somewhat predetermined path to success. I’ve been to good schools and was EXPECTED to go to college. I was even EXPECTED to attend grad school. And here I now find myself traveling an already well worn path, which my progeny will undoubtedly walk as well.

I count myself as blessed, and the trick is to remember it as I go about my day-to-day life…thankfulness and humility go a long way...

Adults-in-Training, we all come from different backgrounds and have taken different paths to where we are today, but do you recognize the blessings/luck/advantages in your life?

Peace,
A-i-T

Manufacturing Consent

I recently decided to make a conscious effort to read more widely, deeply, and critically about the world around me, in order broaden and better inform my thoughts, ideas, and opinions (both news and literature). I figure that this is something any good A-i-T should be doing. We all know the saying that, “Knowledge is power,” but perhaps even more profound is the notion that the control of information is true power.

Remember the game, “Telephone,” that we used to play in school, where the teacher would whisper a message in one student’s ear and have it passed through a series of students until it was reported five to ten iterations later? Invariably, the message reported by the last student was quite different from the original. Now, replace students playing telephone in a classroom, with radio, television, and newspapers informing the masses. Added to this are layers of state or corporate owners, profit margins, shareholders, advertisers, and in some cases underlying agendas. Given the number of filters through which information passes before we consume it as end-users, how true to the original message could this information really be?

Using the US as an example, the majority of major (read, mainstream) newspapers, radio and television stations are owned by a handful of large media conglomerates, each with their own set of interests, political leanings, and philosophies. Companies such as Viacom, CBS Corporation, Time Warner, News Corp, Hearst, Sony BMG, and Clear Channel Communications control a large swath of the US media landscape and therefore the news and even the music we listen to. Now, if your favorite newspaper or radio station owes its survival to large corporations and various controlling interests, whose interests do they really have at heart when they disseminate information?

Does the media industry supply us with information or does it manufacture our consent/opinion? Is the latest 50-Cent song really fire, or were you told that it’s hot because you’ve heard it five times on three different radio stations in the same hour? Is the Obama administration’s universal health-care plan really going to resolve this major issue? The NY Times, Fox, and CNN will have three different angles on the story.

Where then should we as A-i-T’s turn for our news? Thankfully we have this wonderful thing called the internet that has democratized information sharing and has given rise to an abundance of independent voices (including this blogger) who can add to the general discourse. Granted, there is a lot of garbage to wade through on the net before you can get to credible sources, but once found, they can be an invaluable way to check and balance what we see, hear and read in the mainstream media. One site I recently got turned on to was Zmag.com (Znet & Zmagazine in particular). I suggest that you check it out.

Control of information, especially in the information age that we live in, truly is power, but let us not forget our own agency in this matter. We have complete control over what information we consume and ultimately place our faith in. As A-i-Ts it’s definitely our responsibility to make sure that our consent, to believe, to support, and even to buy, is informed, and NOT manufactured.

Adults-in-Training, where do you turn for independent sources of news? Let's help each other diversify our news sources. What do you think about how the majority of us consume news/information?

Peace,
A-i-T

Helping Out at Home...(It's Up to YOU!)

“It’s up to you. If your generation doesn’t fix Ghana, then it will not happen…” ~My Mom

As some of you may know, I am from the great nation of Ghana. Independent since 1957, we were the first country in sub-Saharan Africa to declare independence from colonial power (the Brits). Fifty-two years later, Ghana was also the first country that President Obama visited in Africa as we are one of the few blessed to have a solid record of peace, stability, and democracy. We have come a long way in our free history, but there are yet many miles to go in our journey of “development” (a tricky piece of jargon).

My mom made the above statement to me when I was a senior in high school (yo, the woman does not play!) and it has stuck with me since. Though some who know my history would consider me more of a New Yorker than anything; I declare that, my heart, my home is Ghana.

I’m back now for the first time in five years (a little older and wiser), and it’s evident that the visible progress (new roads, construction, etc.) is merely a façade obscuring the major issues beneath. The question is; what can I do? A seemingly impossible question, but many complex problems often have strikingly simple solutions…

Growing up, I had chores, and it was expected of me to help around the house. If your home is dirty, you clean it up. You simply cannot expect anyone else to do it for you. If you are good at sweeping, you sweep. If washing dishes is your thing, you go hard and do it well. If a family unit works together, each playing to their strengths, there are few issues that they cannot solve. Can’t similar principles be applied to community and nation-building?

Note: I am not forgetting issues like slavery; colonialism + neo; brain-drain; capitalism --> you must first have it to play the game; and strings attached development aid. They are part of a much deeper discussion we can have face-to-face :-)

Now, we all have a place that we call “home,” but I’m using the term in both specific and broad terms. Home could be anything from the country and/or city you grew up in, down to the walkable 1 mile radius where you currently reside. The issue remains the same; as we Adults-in-Training continue to grow into our future selves, complete with careers (not jobs), families and real grown-folk responsibilities, how are we going to use our work and/or volunteering to positively impact the ‘X’ on the map that we call home?

We are part of a generation arguably at the peak of human innovation and progress. Yet we are burdened with a global financial crisis, environmental, political and humanitarian issues that were unheard of just a generation ago. We are just getting to the age where we can truly make a difference, and if we get things moving on the right track, the future is indeed bright. No matter where or how big your home is, there are always things to be done…

Adults-in-Training, our collective homes are dirty, how are we going to use our strengths to help clean up? It’s up to YOU! If you don’t fix it, then it will not happen…

“Now go out there and be somebody!” ~Dave Chappelle

Public Service Announcement: Please do not use the term “third world country.” Simply put, “third world” by whose standards? There is only one world - it’s called Earth - and we all live in it. Thanks.

Peace,
A-i-T