How Many Dates Until a Woman Pays?

It's been a while since I've done a relationship post, but I was talking to one of my boys the other day when he posed this question, "how many dates should you take a girl out on before she pays?" I couldn't think of a better topic to reengage with...!

We are in 2010, and women have fought for and reclaimed equality in many areas of life, from the workplace, to education, to the bedroom. Women are taking charge and have established equal footing (as it should be) with men across various aspects of life and in the dynamics of male/female relationships. However, there are still certain realms that remain conspicuously untouched -- one of these is dating, and specifically, the issue of who pays when and for what. The question here is, why does the push for equality end when it comes to who picks up the check at the end of a date? 

They say that art imitates life, so let's have a quick listening session to examine the perspectives from both sides of the dating dinner table (you may click each link for a quick listen if you like): 

Ladies:

-Exhibit A: Destiny's Child - Bills, Bills, Bills 

Lyrical Excerpt: Can you pay my bills/ Can you pay my telephone bills/ Can you pay my automo'bills/ Then maybe we can chill/ I don't think you do/ so you and me are through...

-Exhibit B: Destiny's Child - Independent Women

Lyrical Excerpt: Tell me how you feel about this/ Try to control me boy you get dismissed/ Pay my own fun, oh and I pay my own bills/ Always 50/50 in relationships...

Gentlemen:

-Exhibit C: Ne-Yo - She Got Her Own

Lyrical Excerpt: I love her cause she got her own/ She don't need mine, so she leave mine alone/ There ain't nothing that's more sexy/ Than a girl that want but don't need me.../ I love it when she say/ It's cool I got it, I got it, I got it...

-Exhibit D: Ne-Yo - Miss Independent

Lyrical Excerpt: Ooh there's somethin about/ Kinda woman that can do for herself.../ There's somethin about her/ There's somethin oh so sexy about/ Kinda woman that don't even need my help/ She said she got it she got it no doubt/ There's something about her...

Looking over at the ladies side of the table, men either see confusion or a split between "traditional," versus more modern values. The former advocates that men should pay for dates (among other things) as they are "taking the woman out." The latter would argue that women are just as capable of paying, and it is in fact an assertion of their independence to exercise this right. The men's side trumpets in unison that men would LOVE for women to pay for dates. Men would tell you that they are even turned on by just the offer from a woman to pick up and/or split the bill -- better still if she executes. Nevertheless, some men are also traditional, and are comfortable or even prefer to pay for dates. But, should the man have to or be expected to pay every single time? (Though there is argument to be made about who made the plans -- i.e. if the man plans, he pays.)

I currently live in NYC, so let's do the local dating math for the typical dinner/movie date:

-Dinner + drinks for two at a mid-range restaurant = $50-$80

-Movie for two (excluding snacks) = $26 (regular), $29 (3D), or $38 (IMAX)

-Total: Low end = $76-$79; High end = $118 

I don't know about you, but to me, that's expensive. Many men (especially in the current economy) operate with this rubric in the back of their minds:  After 3-5 dates, the girl should start picking up some of the tab. Example: if a man takes a woman to dinner and spends around $100 and then they go to a movie, he would appreciate the woman paying for the movie. Ultimately, men are advocating for balance. 

Most men don't want to be looked at as a source of free drinks, meals, and other entertainment when they date. From the male perspective, men put out/sacrifice a lot when it comes to dating at the risk of receiving little to nothing in return. There are no guarantees in dating, and I have friends (quality guys btw) with $200 date stories that never led to date #2. The ball truly is in the woman's court as she is essentially auditioning the man/men she is seeing. This is not to say the man completely lacks control, but if things don't work out after 3-5 dates, then he is out every dime that he spent getting to know/demonstrating interest/and even trying to impress woman X. Women get 3-5 outings for the price of their time (also valuable, I know).

After the 5th date, I think it's fairly safe to say that the relationship is starting to go somewhere and that both parties are developing a connection deeper than the initial attraction that brought them to the dinner table in the first place. Given that commitment levels, interest, and feelings are growing on both sides, is it fair for the man to continue to operate at the same level of financial output that it took to even get to date 5? Should a modern, independent woman sit back and watch a man open his wallet each time they go out if she has the means to foot half or even the entire bill? 

In this scenario, one might ask, "does the man's job and by extension his income matter?" For example if a lawyer man is dating a social worker woman, should he be 100% expected to pay for everything? What happens if we flip the roles/salaries and the woman makes significantly more than the man, should she still expect him to pay for most dates, even though it might be breaking his bank? Should who pays be date specific -- the more expensive dates picked up by the man, and the lesser by the woman? Should splitting the bill become the new modus operandi in the 3-5 date range? 

I realize that there is a definite slant toward the male perspective in this post. In A-i-T's/men's defense, let's look at how society has traditionally structured things: The man is expected to court a woman and generally pay for most if not all outings. In the long-run he is also expected to save around 3 months worth of salary to buy the engagement ring. Finally, in marriage, he is expected to be the main provider (mortgage, tuition, bills, etc.). What my friend and many men are saying is this: Given the immense financial burden of expectation traditionally, and still placed on men in the dating/relationship game, can we not catch a break and at least have the woman pay for that $50 meal or that $26 movie? In the end, if she doesn't pay, she could at least offer, and give the man right of refusal - is that so much to ask?

I'll end with this -- NBA almost great, Grant Hill, tested his wife-to-be by pretending to forget his wallet at home on a date to see if her reaction would be, "don't worry, I got it," or "what the ___!" They have now been married 11 years. Most guys are not making pro-athlete money, but all men appreciate a woman who will at least meet them half way... 

Fellow Adults-in-Training, what's your perspective on who should pay and when? Is there a date number threshold at which things should change? Do you have any feelings about the questions relating to income and/or modern versus traditional gender roles? 

Peace,

A-i-T

"Ten Things I Want To Say To A Black Woman" (Uplifting My Sistahs and Women in General)

I saw this video on a friend's Facebook page (thanks Cece!) the other day and just had to share it. Black women (and women in general) are too often the unsung heroes in life and society. As I grow together with my wife, another strong and beautiful black woman, I do my best celebrate and appreciate her in every way that I can. The gentleman in the video below, boiled down the essence of the love, respect, and admiration I have for all the women in my life, and poured it into words I could never quite so eloquently and lyrically manifest even on my best day.

So a dedication to my A-i-T sistahs of all hues and women of all races...enjoy this celebration of you!

Peace,

A-i-T

Sidewalk Casanova

I've said this over and over again, but dang, it's hard being a woman! (speaking from personal experience, of course) From NY to Paris and elsewhere, from the streets to the boardroom, women are constantly being approached by men (young and old), unsolicited -- who misguidedly think they are performing a public service by reminding women how good they look, just in case they somehow forgot that day. Frankly, I don't know how y'all put up with it and some of us men sometimes. It's embarrassing, and occasionally it crosses the line, but I gotta admit, sometimes its just funny to watch.

I was walking down the street this morning, and in classic fashion, another Sidewalk Casanova spots a woman who peaks his interest. He stops dead in his tracks, swivels his head like a sweeping surveillance camera, and with the seriousness of a judge delivering a sentence says something earth shattering like, "Hey ma, you look beautiful, can I talk to you for a minute?!" As if this brilliant, one-time-use observation automatically merits him some face time during this woman's day. What kills me sometimes is how bold these men are and the "righteous" indignation they show when the woman rebuffs their ever so well thought out, sincere, and earnest supplications for the woman's attention.

I'll never forget my wife telling me about her and her friends' misadventures with various Sidewalk Casanovas. One of my favorites involves the 4-year old son of a would-be SC who told my wife's friend, "you beautiful!" while his father was hitting on her. Apparently, it was take your son to work day, and Street Don Juan Jr. was shadowing his father at the office. Apparently, Fisher Price has a, "My First Pick-up Line," division I was unaware of. Another one of my favorites just illustrates how nothing is sacred anymore and Street Casanovas will stop at nothing to get the math that adds up to a phone conversation with a woman in the near future. A kid, no older than 17 was hitting on my wife with the typical lines, when she told him that she had a man. Unfortunately, Positive K's 1992 classic, "I Got a Man" helped Street Casanovas everywhere to reply "What's your man got to do with me?! I ain't tryin'a hear that see!" So homeboy persisted, until she finally told him that she was married (we were engaged at the time). He paused, momentarily defeated, and then with the audacity of a streaker at a sporting event he said, "yeah, but are you happy?"

WHAT!!! ARE YOU FOR SURRIOUS?!?! Yeap...as Sarah Palin on oil drilling!

I fell on the floor laughing, but this incident was kinda scary cos...is truly nothing sacred anymore? Not even marriage seems to be off limits (Check out my previous post: Have an Affair...)? Undoubtedly the nature of male-female relationships has been evolving or devolving depending on your perspective, but into what? Seemingly gone are the days of serious courtship, "going steady," etc. replaced by the current era of friends with benefits, the overall hook-up culture, and websites like adultfriendfinder and cougarlife.com (fodder for future blog posts - the radio commercial for the latter is hilariously disturbing). The issue lies on both sides. On one hand, men need to come correct and approach women with the respect they deserve. On the other, you ladies need to search out and sternly lecture that one girl who was like, "OMG, I loved your pick-up line! Here's my actual phone number, call me!" Cos with men, all it takes is that one girl to inspire hope that it can/will happen again - y'all know Darrel right?

Call me old-fashioned, but when did it become okay to disrespect women with sophomoric come-ons that just add more C02 to the endangered atmosphere each time a Street Casanova opens his mouth? This summer is hot enough already, we don't need any more greenhouse gasses making things worse.

At the end of the day, the most interesting man in the world put it best -- see the video below...

A-i-T Ladies, what is the most comically memorable Street Cassanova encounter you have had? Men, has a woman so fine ever brought out your inner Street Cassanova?

Peace,

A-i-T

"Have an Affair...Act Like an Adult for Once..."

The title of this post does not mean that A-i-T has gone rogue and abandoned his senses or his wife, but was chosen because it nicely captures what seems to be a growing trend of infidelity in society these days. The title comes from a line spit by Jay-Z on Mya's only memorable song "Best of Me." Infidelity is nothing new but it seems to be rampant these days. Part of this observation is based on the numerous scandals within our recent collective memory among celebrities and other public figures, but another part of the inspiration for this post is much more personal... 

A good friend of mine was recently cheated on by his fiancee (yes, women cheat too, they just get caught less often) and it pierced me to my core to hear his story. The worst part about the whole situation is that his fiancee's partner in crime was A MARRIED MAN!!! A few days after hearing his story, I was watching TV and around 12:30am, when a commercial came on for a dating website I had never heard of called, AshleyMadison.com. (Check out the video at the bottom of this post). This website bills itself as, "The World's Premiere Discreet Dating Service," and it's slogan is, "Life is short, have an affair." 

For Surrious?!?! 

I felt sick, outraged, and momentarily dumbstruck, after this commercial was over, and then I remembered that I was in America, where almost anything is possible. A-i-T is not naive enough to think that married, engaged, and dating adults were not already using match.com, e-harmony or other "singles dating" websites to help them violate their vows or relationship commitments, but to see a website 100% dedicated to facilitating adultery...it just blew my mind! I apologize if I'm late on this since the site's CEO has been on a bunch of daytime talk shows (like The View) but I couldn't keep my fingers off the keyboard...

We all know that the divorce rate in the US hovers around 50%, and sites like AshleyMadison are going to help drive up that statistic, but there are so many other influences. What is it about today's culture that seems to make infidelity appear not only more prevalent, but almost forgivable, or seen as a minor offense? While politicians effectively dig their own grave when they are caught in an affair, celebrities of screen and sport seem to rise from the ashes like the phoenix if they apologize well and often enough, and then release a good movie (hello Brad Pitt & Jude Law) or win a championship (what up Kobe). How quickly do we forgive and forget their "transgressions" and moral failings once they begin entertaining us again? Let's see how long our memory is once Tiger wins another golf tournament. This is obviously not the case for the average John or Jane Cheater, but society doesn't tell them otherwise...

To me, cheating epitomizes some of the worst aspects of human nature. It's an act whose ultimate purpose is to satisfy some unmet need of the actor, with complete disregard for their gf/bf/spouse/partner, whatever. It is immature, spiteful, and completely selfish/self-serving...but can it be seen as a reflection of the society we currently live in? Our world is the instant gratification of the "Buy Now" option on retail websites and the swiping of credit cards. It's the personal electronic devices from mp3 players to laptops that we matrix -- I mean plug ourselves into that connect yet at the same time allow us to get lost in our own world of personal entertainment. Everything these days seems to be geared toward the individual...but what about the collective? What happened to family, friends, and significant others?

Think about the 2-5yr-old that has just learned the meaning of the words, "NO," and "MINE." And the phrase "BUT I WANT IT NOW!." Now picture the contexts they would use those words in. Now think about a grown adult stepping out on their gf/bf/spouse/partner, with their years of growth and intelligence. Jay-Z was right...having an affair is mos def an adult decision, but this A-i-T would argue that underneath it all are some pretty selfish, child-like impulses...

Marriage is a beautiful thing, but ultimately it's about making sacrifices and putting the needs of the other person you love first. True Love = Willing, Daily Self-Sacrifice. If you have not yet arrived in a place in your life where you are ready, willing, and able to do that, then if you were truly acting like an evolved A-i-T, you wouldn't have gotten married, and wouldn't need to have an affair in the first place... 

Adults-in-Training, is AshleyMadison.com the sign of a society that increasingly accepts cheating? 

Peace,

A-i-T

Poly-what? Polyamory...

I was watching MTV on Monday night to catch the replay of the VMAs and personally witness how Kanye West permanently cemented his status as the biggest egomaniac the entertainment world has ever seen (dang 'Ye, not a good look). Normally, I try to preserve brain cells by not watching too much MTV, but then an episode of True Life came on and you know how sometimes you just can't turn away from something? Well this was one of those times...enter MTV's True Life: I'm Polyamorous. 

~From Wikipedia

Polyamory (from Greek πολυ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [love]) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and free consent of everyone involved. 

Polyamorous - adjective 

This episode focused on two sets of polyamorous relationships, specifically one between three gay men, and another involving two "bi-curious" women and a man. In full disclosure, I must state that the concept/practice of polamory does not match my values. To me, anything that is not monogamy is cheating, swinging, or being a player/playette, none of which I agree with [and polyamory just sounds like a euphemism for those]. I do not take issue, however, with sexual orientation. This blog will never debate or discuss it beyond direct relevance to the topic at hand as this is not the appropriate forum.

This aside, what intrigued, confused, and stirred various other emotions in me was the fact that a person would willingly enter into a love triangle, when most would agree that these relationships tend to result in total "hot messness" -- usually because one participant is in the dark. The full disclosure that characterizes polyamory would seem to resolve the discovery/betrayal issue and allow all participants to gain fulfillment but how good can anyone really be about sharing someone they are intimate with?

As events unfolded in the show, it became very clear watching both relationships that one member got the best of both worlds by being the "central/dominant lover" of the two peripheral players. Eventually, one partner felt left out, leading them (in both cases) to bring in a fourth member in order to "balance the equation." Doesn't this totally contradict the premise of this supposed next level relationship style? If they have to revert back to pairing in order to be fully satisfied, doesn't that mean polyamory doesn't ultimately work?

Last time I checked, when it comes to love, "two's company, and three's a crowd." Following this logic, how does the math in polyamory add up, and where does it stop?

Maintaining one solid intimate relationship presents enough challenges for the average person. This said, how do you do better with more people in the mix? Are these relationships truly deep and intimate, or are they merely a convenient mechanism for people to mutually but selfishly satisfy a need for love and attention -- that ultimately we all seek? To me, the whole concept appears shallow and stems from a fear of commitment.

I wonder what is it about society and current relationship trends that has people so afraid of true and deep love -- leading some to pursue things like polyamory? Going back to my previous post about marriage (If It's Broke...Try to Fix It...) it would seem that the nature of relationships in general, whether married or dating have changed at some fundamental level. It appears some people are on a quest to to fill up some sort of hole within their life, and will pursue what seems to work for the moment, rather than seeking something more lasting.   

Adults-in-Training, what's your reaction to this concept of polyamory? Do you think it's okay to be intimate with more than one person if all parties know and agree? Had you heard of it before? What impact do you think it has on society/how people approach relationships? 

Peace,

A-i-T

Where Are All the Good Ones...?

Some of my boys have been actively wondering where all the intelligent, beautiful, down-to-earth women are hiding these days because they just can't seem to find any. I'm sure many of you ladies are also wondering the same thing about the fellas. Now, A-i-T is mos def not about to become a dating or matchmaking website (especially given my previous posts: The Game; Who Does Online Dating Work For?), but I wonder, how do we rectify this situation? How do we get quality people that we know and love to meet and allow what sparks may fly...to um...fly?

I like to think that my network of friends comprises an interesting, diverse, intelligent and eclectic group of amazing people. This is not to say that they should all start dating each other (a little incestuous), but I'm sure some great connections could be made, either directly, or could lead to some promising introductions. I just wonder what's preventing such great group of people from meeting other great people?

I get worried sometimes that some of my friends are starting to get jaded because of the current difficulty they are experiencing making the right connection. I think the worst part is that most of them aren't necessarily doing anything wrong. They are not one date wonders, they are not socially awkward, or pretending to be something they're not. Perhaps the answer is to just do what they are doing, but differently...? 

I read a great article in the August 2009 issue of Men's Health Magazine entitled, "She's Out There," (by Kyle Western) which I think dropped some great knowledge regarding the modern dating scene. It debunks the myth of the bar/club pick up (sorry fellas) and sheds some light on the places where people can truly meet and make a connection and how to get it done. Granted this article is written for an exclusively male audience, I believe it reveals some universal truths, which boil down to three things... 

Actively meet new people, go to new places, and try new things...it sounded to me like through enriching your own life and experiencing new things, new people will inevitably come your way...as new friends, acquaintances, and possibly the man/woman you've been waiting for may just happen to be in that record store in another neighborhood that you've never bothered checking out. This always seems "easier said than done," but have we become to busy, too preoccupied or even too comfortable to get out of our normal routine? 

The article cited a Northeastern University study tracking the movements of 100,000 cellphone users over 6 months found that almost 50% did not travel outside of 6-mile radius within their town/city. 83% stayed within a 37-mile radius (I guess this includes driving cities and the suburban areas). People tended to spend the majority of their time in five or fewer places!

Thinking about it, it's so true...we spend most of our time basically circulating between home, work/school, and neighborhood spots like the gym, grocery store, and our favorite coffee shop/restaurant, with the occasional run to the bank or dry cleaner. We are pure creatures of habit, so it seems we need to shake things up! Put plainly, if we stick to the same routine, our dating pool might as well be of the inflatable kiddie pool kind -- but what is the alternative? Sometimes we like being in our little neighborhoods and our little coffee shops. Is it okay to keep going to that coffee shop till you meet the one? Or is it time to step out?

Fellow Adults-in-Training...what do you think?

Peace,
A-i-T

Who Does Online Dating Work For?

It is obvious that online dating can work and can lead to "happily ever after," or the industry would have ended faster than a fake emergency phone call on a bad date! But if so, then why do so many participants still find it hard to make connections on a platform that is purported to “make finding the right connection easier?” I wonder: who does online dating actually work for? 

A few of my friends have tried their hands at internet dating with totally mixed results. Some have made what seems like a great connection online that becomes an “epic fail” in person. Others have managed to cross that first date threshold, only to later learn that little lay beyond their initially matched “online compatibility.” Still others, both guys and girls, just use online dating as a way to diversify their dating pool and bag a few extra dates for the month in order to make life a little more interesting. Most I have spoken to are just plain disappointed with the supposed “matches” generated by the site’s über amazing proprietary compatibility screening system. The least fortunate souls just seem to be magnets for solicitations from the sketchy male and female dregs of internet dating society. (“I give great massages…” – “umm, how about not?”) 

No matter how scientific or “accurate” online dating services claim their compatibility screening system is, the fact remains that matches are based entirely on voluntarily generated user input, within a prefabricated framework. I believe the major pitfall lies in the fact that due to a lack of honesty, in most cases, online compatibility systems will produce incompatible “matches.”  

Why is it that a sports team that looks perfect on paper, can lose to an underdog on the field? It happens in the same way that your online Brad Pitt/Denzel Washington or Eva Mendes/Halle Berry can turn out to be “Joe the Plumber” or Martha the lunch lady when you finally meet. This result eventually disappoints and discourages the person who is really looking for long lasting love, causing them to give up. 

Human chemistry, especially where love is concerned, ultimately cannot be reliably created in this online lab. Online dating theory and theoretical profiles (ranging from 0-110% fictitious) tend not to hold up in practice. It remains true that you don’t really know what you will see or if/how you will click with someone until you meet them in person. Online chemistry does not always translate in person. To use some economic terminology, there is no “perfect substitute.”  

I think that beyond the superficial level of profiles, pictures, and the communication game, the underlying issue is what are online daters REALLY looking for? There must be a reason that in most of the eHarmony and Match.com commercials most of the featured couples appear to be 35 and older. Are they perhaps more serious, more honest, and have less patience for games – which allows online dating to pay off for them? Is the 25-35 year old crowd mostly just looking to have some fun (read, hook up) and increase their “talent pool?” Are the “scientifically proven” compatibility profiles really capturing/accounting for the complexity and nuance of human chemistry/interaction? Let us not forget that Chemistry.com started because some people got REJECTED from E-harmony after filling out their profiles.  

In our modern, instant everything, give it to me in pill form, I want it yesterday society, is online dating just another outgrowth of people wanting to streamline and “technologize” (I think I made that word up) all aspects of society at the expense of the natural organic process? Or on the flip-side, as a friend recently pointed out, is it just people being too lazy to go out and try to meet people the old-fashioned way? 

Adults-in-Training, what have your experiences been with online dating? Do you think that it works, and if so, who does it work for? Does the serious love seeker actually find a match or will the players/playettes be the ones reaping the rewards?

Related Post: The Game 

Peace, 

A-i-T

If It's Broke...Try to Fix it...

Please Click Here to read the article that inspired this post:

“There are times in every relationship when the parties involved need a break. What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?” ~Laura A. Munson

It is commonly accepted, that the current divorce rate in the US is approximately 50%. This means that people in this country are about as likely to get divorced as they are to correctly guess “heads” or “tails” in a coin toss. WOW, are you for surrious? If that’s what marriage means in the US context for our generation and those to come, we’ve got some serious work to do!

As someone who recently got married, in front of God, my family and friends, I flatly refuse to become a statistic. How have we gotten to a point where people treat marriage like a car lease or some other terminable contract? – “when I get tired of driving this car, I’ll take it back to the dealer and trade it in for a new/different model.” (pun brutally intended)

Which part of “for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part” do people not understand, or rather, conveniently forget? To me, what those vows convey at their most basic level is that you and your chosen husband/wife agree to work out together, the inevitable challenges that life and marriage will present. Plain and simple – well, perhaps plain, but not so simple…

We can all agree that there are a few universal, morally/culturally accepted reasons for divorce:
1) Adultery
2) Abuse
Beyond that, I’d like to humbly argue that two mature and rational adults who have CHOSEN to enter into marriage should have the ability to come to a mutually agreeable resolution. I am not ignorant of the many circumstances by which a marriage can dissolve: incompatibility; finances; how he/she squeezes the toothpaste. Some marriages were never meant to be. However, I think that a combination of immaturity, selfishness and romanticized (read, unrealistic) views of marriage play a large part in the higher than acceptable rate of divorce. In addition, changes in social and familial structure have eroded many of the external checks and balances needed to help keep a marriage together.

Note to Wedding Guests: aside from eating, drinking, giving nice gifts and being happy for the newly married couple – your chief role is actually to serve as an accountability witness, who beyond that special day, are supposed to assist the bride & groom in honoring their marriage vows.

I keep insisting on the word “chosen,” because marriage (within the US/western context) is normally entered into voluntarily by both parties – though some men may disagree ;-)
You of your own free will chose to marry the man or woman who you felt you could spend the rest of your life with. If you can make a choice of such a profound nature, why is it so hard to choose safeguard and save this choice?

In the NYTimes piece, I was struck by the maturity, understanding, and honor that the author displayed in allowing her husband to work out, what were ultimately his own issues, in order to save their marriage. It was not easy, but then again nothing in life that’s worth anything ever is…
The ending of her story is not everyone's ending, but I think her approach is one that can be learned from. Right now the approach seems to be "get divorced, ask questions later..." How can we change that mentality?

When you are not happy in a marriage you have to take responsibility for yourself. Your husband/wife cannot fix you or your issue(s). It is also grossly unfair to depend entirely upon your spouse for your own happiness – that is an impossible feat at best. The author sums it up well: "When life’s knocked us around. And our childhood myths reveal themselves to be just that. The truth feels like the biggest sucker-punch of them all: it’s not a spouse or land or a job or money that brings us happiness. Those achievements, those relationships, can enhance our happiness, yes, but happiness has to start from within. Relying on any other equation can be lethal."

This truth will save a lot of marriages and this attitude should be present beforehand, so that “I do,” doesn’t become, “Not really.”

As for being unhappy, emotions come and go like the wind, so take it from the author, "take responsibility for [your] own happiness...Go trekking in Nepal. Build a yurt in the back meadow. Turn the garage studio into a man-cave. Get that drum set you’ve always wanted. Anything but hurting [your spouse and maybe children] with a reckless move..."

If something in your life breaks, your normal inclination is to try and fix it. The US economy just broke and the government that is wed to it is trying to fix it. If your marriage breaks…Try To Fix It…

Adults-in-Training, what was your reaction to the NYTimes article? What are your views on marriage and divorce in the US – what can we do to reverse the trend?

Peace,
A-i-T

P.S. This was a long one...but I had to get it all on wax. Thanks for reading!

The Game

“When you meet someone for the first time, you’re not meeting them – you’re meeting their representative!” ~Chris Rock

Too often, this really is the truth. We all know about first impression theory, especially when it comes to dating, but I humbly offer that the relationship/dating game in of itself keeps too many people from making the right connection. If everyone’s end goal is to find a good companion, then why play the games that inevitably create stress, melodrama and emotional strife? Why do we collectively perpetuate a system based to a certain extent on gaming & deception?

If people stopped playing games and started “keeping it true” (I’m done with “keeping it real”) I think more people would actually win. I acknowledge that people’s personal histories, personality, preferences, etc. play a critical role in how they approach relationships/dating, BUT wouldn’t we make deeper connections sooner if people remained true, rather than disguising what they are bringing to the table?

Think about your close friends and how you became such. No games just truth, right? And it happened fast – you just clicked. Last time I checked, most of us would hold truth/genuineness as one of the main reasons we associate with those we hold close. The same logic should then apply to intimate relationships. So why then, do we add all these layers of deception/complication?

I bet you and your guys/girls have strategized like this at some point:
-“If I ignore him/her, then he/she will want me more.”
-“If I send him/her this text/email, he/she might do [fill in the blank]?”
-“Should I bother to call, text, or email him/her”
-“What did he/she mean when he/she said or did [fill in the blank]” And so on.

Is dating really like a game of poker, where you can strategize, read, bluff, and deceive your way into winning the pot?

We say and do things in dating to illicit a desired response from the opposite sex. Now, if we have to game and experiment our way into a relationship – how real/deep/long lasting can the relationship really be? I’m not ignorant of the fact that there is a “how to” and “how not to” successfully date, but how far are we going to take the game?

Making friends is pretty simple and organic – it kinda "just happens.” Is dating/finding a significant other really inherently that much more complicated – or do we just make it so?

In the end, it looks to me like we might just be playing ourselves…

Adults-in-Training, why do we keep playing these games when ultimately, they don’t get us what we really want – are we trying to hide something? Are you a firm believer in playing the game, or do you believe that “keeping it true” is a viable alternative?