Does Where You Live Influence When You Have Kids?

My wife and I spent this past weekend visiting her cousin (we'll call her Nadia) + family down in Stafford, Virginia. Being an A-i-T who has spent most of his life in big cities, Stafford is a whole other world, but in a good way. Life is more spread out, everyone drives everywhere, and most people live in houses (as supposed to throwing money away in rent *A-i-T sheds tear*). I believe the technical/scientific term for places like this is, "suburbs."The air is cleaner and I actually saw stars each night, which you sometimes forget exist living amongst the bright lights of NYC. What made the biggest impression on me, however, was the prevalence of young families, defined here as couples who haven't quite hit 30, with at least 1.5 kids. It got me thinking, what is it about that environment versus NYC (and possibly other big cities) that facilitates and/or encourages families to get started earlier? 

Nadia has a great and some would say extraordinary family. She has two sets of twins: 1yr-old boys and 3yr-old girls. She calls them her "Four Under Four," and she is waiting for her show to get picked up by TLC or Bravo (nah, we all saw what happened to John and Kate). Anyway, she and her husband are about three years shy of 30, but are fully established as a family. My wife and I are excited about having kids, but are in year two of a five-year countdown toward popping out that first kid (I said that like it's easy...my apologies A-i-T ladies). We have our reasons: desire to switch/start new careers, hence grad school for us both, wishful travel plans as a young married couple, the notion of being somewhat "established," etc., finances, Finances, and did I mention FINANCES?

I love living in NYC because there is absolutely nowhere else on the planet like it, but I feel like it might discourage/delay young people in starting families...

New York is a great place to be young whether single or married. It is the "concrete jungle where dreams are made," but what Jay-Z and Alicia conveniently glossed over in NYC's new official anthem, is the price tag associated with being a New Yorker. I've always told people that we pay a premium for the privilege of calling ourselves New Yorkers, but I propose that one of the true/tangible costs aside from dollars, is impacting when it makes cents to start a family. 

Let's start with the basics. We all need a roof over our heads, but in NYC, these roofs are half-sized and twice the price. Nadia and her husband recently bought a five-bedroom house with a deck, on one acre of land, for around $200K. What' sad, is that their mortgage is the same as the rent for my one-bedroom 650sq. ft. apartment. Do you feel my pain yet? A family of four (not even six) in NYC will eventually need a three-bedroom apartment, which will run at least $3.5K (in Manhattan), and that's a conservative estimate since a one-bedroom apartment in the right zip code can cost that much. If you factor in food, clothing, school fees, and all the other expenses related to raising children + NYC's wonderful 8.875% sales tax, it almost seems like no one could afford to raise a family here. But people do...so who are they?

One thing that has caught my attention recently is the prevalence of old(er) families in NYC, defined as aged 35-40+ usually with just one young child. Graying fathers with toddlers seems to be a very common sight for me of late, and I'm guessing some of the factors mentioned above might feed into it. Older couples are likely to be more established in their careers and therefore financially stable, making having a family in a place like NYC a little easier. This is not to question anyone's family-planning decisions, but to examine factors behind what might be a trend. 

Another potential issue is the fact that NYC and other big cities are transitional. People come for the experience, the career, the "money," but eventually leave to return to wherever home/family is. When deciding to start a family, aside from the expense factor, proximity to family can be critical. Aside from a markedly lower cost of living, Nadia is rich in family in VA. This means that there is no shortage of trustworthy, not to mention free, babysitters to take care of her kids. Grandma and grandpa, aunts, uncles, and cousins for many NYC or big city dwellers, are not a subway ride away, making childcare a very important consideration. For this A-i-T and his wife, our parents reside, not in a different zip but rather a different country code!

One could argue that previous generations (PGs) planned their life around having a family, while recent generations plan having a family around their life. Recent trends show couples marrying and starting families later than in PGs in order to establish their careers, accomplish goals, and secure their finances before having children. This shift in focus toward personal accomplishments preceding starting a family is clearly evident in big city environments and in wider contexts as well. While all these considerations are fundamentally sound, the flip-side argues that you can never be truly "ready," for kids, which is what I have to keep telling myself. I think of myself as a pretty logical person and would like to see certain things "in place" before a child enters my picture...but were you to paint a different scene around me like Stafford, Virginia...would Adult-in-Training become Father-in-Training sooner...? 

Adults-in-Training, if you currently live in a big city...what are your plans for starting a family? Would those same plans change were you to live in a different environment? 

Peace,

A-i-T

A-i-T's Letter to His Unborn Daughter

To Zoë...
I loved you even before you were a reality
Your mother is the only other thing in this world as important to me
Know that you are a gift to us from God, and we are so blessed to have you
He is your Heavenly Father and I am him on earth
I will do everything in my power to protect you and your mother and will not allow a single hair on your heads to be harmed
I will let you know that you are loved everyday and that I will be there for you always
You will be daddy's little girl, and I can already feel myself melting when you look into my eyes
Know that the only other person in the world who can also do this to me is your mother
You will be my pride and my joy and I will celebrate you as I celebrate your mother
I will show you what a good husband and father is, so that when it comes time, you will find one for yourself and accept no substitutes
I will teach you that you are valuable because you are God's child, and you are loved and redeemed from day one, and no one should tell you differently
You will learn that you are capable of anything you set your mind and your heart to, and if you do all things prayerfully and for the glory of God, you shall be greatly blessed
I will always be proud of you and I will always be your biggest fan
I loved you Zoë, even before you were a reality...

By A-i-T

*P.S.: My wife and I are NOT expecting. I wrote this a while ago after seeing a movie, which resulted in a conversation about the incredible importance of fathers in girls' lives. I felt it would be a nice follow-up to my last post. I will definitely let y'all know when I'm about to become a father (5-year plan don't fail me now!)*

Daddy Issues...Recognizing the Importance of Fathers

"We need fathers to step up, to realize that their job does not end at conception; that what makes you a man is not the ability to have a child but the courage to raise one," ~President Barack Obama 

I have to admit that my guilty pleasure is reality TV. I am fully aware of how mindless, superficial, and utterly ridiculous it can be, but sometimes that's exactly how I want my entertainment. As a therapist in training and aspiring blogger, however, reality shows are a goldmine for observing a variety of human behavior. Whether genuine or scripted melodrama, it's all information  for me to mull over and discuss. Some of the most disturbing yet data rich reality shows are those surrounding love and dating. They are filled with men and women who seemingly have no clue about what it means to establish, build, and maintain a stable and loving relationship beyond the superficial. As I watch more of these shows, a common thread seems to emerge that binds these wannabe celebreality stars, many come from family backgrounds with issues surrounding their fathers. 

I was watching VH1's, Tough Love the other day, where a mother/son matchmaking duo assist women who can't seem to find "Mr. Right," and have no idea why.  In a recent episode, the show's host asked each of the women to discuss their relationships with their fathers to find out if their past relationship with this important male figure in their lives, may have influenced their current issues/difficulties with men. Not surprisingly, every one of the women broke down and revealed pasts with absent, abusive (in various forms), or inconsistent relationships with their fathers. The impact of these traumatic father-daughter relationships seem to be the steady stream of broken women in this world, some of whom end up on this show and others like the Flava or Rock of Love and the latest awful iteration in the series, For The Love of Ray J. (Side note: I can't believe he and Brandy are biologically related and grew up in the same home...). The flip-side of the coin are the broken men in the world and on TV who have no clue how to treat a woman with respect and as having value beyond the bedroom, and do not understand what it means to raise a family.

I am a self-confessed mama's boy. I love and respect, my mother as a strong, independent and loving woman, and the woman I married shares those traits (maybe a few too many traits, but that's for another post). Mothers are the rock of every family and should be celebrated everyday for the multiple roles they play and the nurturing/teaching that they do. However, there are certain powers that even mothers do not possess:  

Beyond words...there are two key things that a mother cannot do:

1) Mothers cannot show/model for their sons how to be a man, especially relationally, regarding how to treat women or hold his own with other men.

2) Mothers cannot show/model for their daughters how they should expect and demand to be treated and valued or what a good man looks like. 

Last year, President Obama, rightly challenged fathers to step up and play their role, because it is vital for the proper upbringing of a child. This is not to knock single-parent families or say that people are automatically dysfunctional if one parent is missing, but rather to underscore the truth that children are supposed to have TWO parents in a loving, stable, and committed relationship. It is the first significant male/female relationship that a child ever sees, and it is the one they have the most exposure to. How a father treats his wife directly impacts the pattern of future relationships for his son/daughter by creating a blueprint. 

A friend's father once told her that he'd be, "the best boyfriend she ever had!" meaning that any boy/man that came after would have a tough time matching up, and I think that's exactly how it should be. To me this means modeling a good relationship with my wife everyday, and tangible actions with my daughter like "daddy/daughter days," and making sure she knows what it looks/feels like to have a man that supports, encourages, and loves her fully and unconditionally. With my son it would involve the same modeling, but also an emphasis on respecting his mother, which will translate into how he treats the women he will meet later on in life. These things may sound simplistic and are by no means earth shattering revelations, but some of the most powerful life lessons come from the most basic of actions. As a father, literally just being there, consistently, and with genuine effort can mean the world to a child, which was the message of the 2009 Father Involvement PSA ad campaign. It simply says: "Take the time to be a father today..."

There is obviously a need for us men to step up and act like grown folk and take care of our responsibilities. According to Fatherhood.gov: 

1) Children with involved, loving fathers are significantly more likely to do well in school, have healthy self-esteem, exhibit empathy and pro-social behavior, and avoid high-risk behaviors such as drug use, truancy, and criminal activity compared to children who have uninvolved fathers.

2) Studies on parent-child relationships and child well-being show that father love is an important factor in predicting the social, emotional, and cognitive development and functioning of children and young adults.

3) 24 million children (34 percent) live without their biological father. 

Gentlemen...I'd say it's time for us to step up!!! 

Fellow Adults-in-Training, what do you think about the fact we even need to call attention to the importance of fatherhood in the current and previous generations? Shouldn't it be a given? 

Peace,

A-i-T

Are We in Trouble?

DISCLAIMER: 1) I'm really not a fan of Soulja Boy or the current crop of ringtone generating artists.
2) My tone may seem a little shrill, but this piece is not an indictment on pop culture, but rather a call to examine the direction it is heading. I personally think things are more extreme than they were when I was a kid coming up...

I was at a wedding this past weekend dancing and having a good ol' time with friends, new and old and some young'uns ranging in age from 4 to 13. We are all gettin' down to group dance songs like the Cupid Shuffle, the Cha Cha Slide, and the inevitable grand daddy of 'em all, the Electric Slide, when all of a sudden the DJ decides to throw on some more recent joints...Enter Soulja Boy Tell 'Em...the following scene ensues...

"YOOOUUUUUHHH!!!"

The classic ringtone joint "Crank Dat" comes blaring through the speakers in all its steel drum glory. All Adults-in-Training proceed to groan, laugh, and roll their heads & eyes in recognition of this insanely popular but otherwise ridiculous song by an artist whose name will be forgotten in a year or two. The shock, awe, and awwww moments then came as all the kids on the dance floor from age 4 to 13 proceed to execute to near perfection (well, some better than others) the dance steps of this infamous song. Someone please tell me why two 6 year old boys were rapping the lyrics with near perfect delivery, while they executed all the steps like little Soulja-boys-in-training!?!? The little girls were right along with 'em. Repeat scene for DJ Unk's "Two Step." Then, as soon as some actual good music came on; 90's classics like Candy Rain (Soul 4 Real) and Motown Philly (Boys II Men), the kids scattered like a flock of startled birds...Hilarious...

The whole scene just as cute as it was disturbing, but it made me think, what are we teaching kids these days?!?! Who is raising our kids...is it us or MTV, BET, and VH1? Is it the slew of reality TV shows that we just can't seem to get enough of or the reality of a stable two parent household? Popular culture certainly has its place in all our lives, but when a six year old boy starts rapping "Supasoak that h@!" I think we've got a problem. Now at that age, he probably doesn't really understand what he's saying or the meaning behind the lyrics of the supremely "eloquent" song, but the impact of these songs, videos, and lyrics on a young impressionable mind cannot be taken for granted.

I'll freely admit to watching some of the junk that passes across the TV screen from time to time, but I can do it with a more critical eye and a higher level of understanding than a child. No child of mine, however, is going to be exposed to any of that stuff until they can digest it properly and truly understand it for what it is...(a little militant sounding, but I'd rather have them listening to Talib Kweli over Soulja Boy any day...)

Adults-in-Training, how do you feel about the impact of popular culture on today's youth? Are they in more danger of being negatively impacted by some of the media that's out there than we were? Or am I making a mountain out of a mole hill?

Peace,

A-i-T

Helping Out at Home...(It's Up to YOU!)

“It’s up to you. If your generation doesn’t fix Ghana, then it will not happen…” ~My Mom

As some of you may know, I am from the great nation of Ghana. Independent since 1957, we were the first country in sub-Saharan Africa to declare independence from colonial power (the Brits). Fifty-two years later, Ghana was also the first country that President Obama visited in Africa as we are one of the few blessed to have a solid record of peace, stability, and democracy. We have come a long way in our free history, but there are yet many miles to go in our journey of “development” (a tricky piece of jargon).

My mom made the above statement to me when I was a senior in high school (yo, the woman does not play!) and it has stuck with me since. Though some who know my history would consider me more of a New Yorker than anything; I declare that, my heart, my home is Ghana.

I’m back now for the first time in five years (a little older and wiser), and it’s evident that the visible progress (new roads, construction, etc.) is merely a façade obscuring the major issues beneath. The question is; what can I do? A seemingly impossible question, but many complex problems often have strikingly simple solutions…

Growing up, I had chores, and it was expected of me to help around the house. If your home is dirty, you clean it up. You simply cannot expect anyone else to do it for you. If you are good at sweeping, you sweep. If washing dishes is your thing, you go hard and do it well. If a family unit works together, each playing to their strengths, there are few issues that they cannot solve. Can’t similar principles be applied to community and nation-building?

Note: I am not forgetting issues like slavery; colonialism + neo; brain-drain; capitalism --> you must first have it to play the game; and strings attached development aid. They are part of a much deeper discussion we can have face-to-face :-)

Now, we all have a place that we call “home,” but I’m using the term in both specific and broad terms. Home could be anything from the country and/or city you grew up in, down to the walkable 1 mile radius where you currently reside. The issue remains the same; as we Adults-in-Training continue to grow into our future selves, complete with careers (not jobs), families and real grown-folk responsibilities, how are we going to use our work and/or volunteering to positively impact the ‘X’ on the map that we call home?

We are part of a generation arguably at the peak of human innovation and progress. Yet we are burdened with a global financial crisis, environmental, political and humanitarian issues that were unheard of just a generation ago. We are just getting to the age where we can truly make a difference, and if we get things moving on the right track, the future is indeed bright. No matter where or how big your home is, there are always things to be done…

Adults-in-Training, our collective homes are dirty, how are we going to use our strengths to help clean up? It’s up to YOU! If you don’t fix it, then it will not happen…

“Now go out there and be somebody!” ~Dave Chappelle

Public Service Announcement: Please do not use the term “third world country.” Simply put, “third world” by whose standards? There is only one world - it’s called Earth - and we all live in it. Thanks.

Peace,
A-i-T

Parenting 101 – Lesson 1: It Never Stops…

Me: Hey, I’m gonna run ahead to the bank, and I’ll meet you guys at the corner.

[I break into a run]

[With all the seriousness of a heart attack my mom says,]

My Mom: Don’t fall…!

[I stop dead in my tracks and double over with laughter – as does my Dad]

Me: Mom, I think I can handle it – I’ve been doing this running thing since I was about 2, I think you were there…

This month I turned 26, and last time I checked, by all societal measures I qualify as an adult. Yet, my mother to this day still worries about me scraping my knee. Now pause and let that sink in for a moment… It’s funny on the surface, but belies the depth of the sentiment.

Granted, my mom is the President, CEO, and Founder of Worried Mothers Inc., but think about how the past 26 years of my parents’ lives have been dedicated to ensuring that every conceivable aspect of their two children’s lives is taken care of.

I love both of my parents, and their parenting styles are as different as Kobe is from Lebron. My mother’s amber alert levels are countered by my father’s cool and calm. Given that I am the product of such an environment, I wonder, what this will make me as a father???

I recently got married to a phenomenal woman who is going to make an amazing mother. I am truly excited to become a father (5-year plan don’t fail me now!!!), but I cannot yet fathom what that really means. I’m taking the first step towards starting a career by going back to school. I’m 3 weeks into being a husband, and I have dreams of traveling the world with my wife, and becoming a world class bedroom-DJ…AND THEN raising 2.5 amazing children + dog.

With all the broken families out there, I look to my parents who have been together exactly one year longer than I have been alive (27 years this October). Will all the time, energy, sacrifice, and advice they have poured into me spontaneously kick in once my child takes its first breath? How will I do for my own what my father and mother have done for me?

Adults-in-Training, what do you think about the prospect of becoming parents? What do you remember most about how your parents raised you, and what lessons will you carry forward or even do differently from how you were raised?