Fear of Stable and United Africa

Question: What do you know about Africa, and what have you been taught or told about it? What images have you seen on TV? Have you visited? Do you know any Africans? Think about the impressions that you have of the continent, its people, and of the countries that comprise it…now let’s flip the script… 

Imagine for a moment that all 54 sovereign nations in Africa were 1) at peace, 2) politically stable, 3) economically independent/viable, and 4) united in official economic and political partnership through an African Union. Imagine an Africa that controls 100% of its own natural resources which are responsible for everything from the diamonds in your jewelery, to the cocoa in your chocolate, to the chips in your cell phone. Imagine an Africa free of rampant disease and poverty. Imagine 1 billion+ Africans (almost 15% of the world’s population) with a united voice and purpose working toward peace, and prosperity, with the aim of rectifying past wrongs and striving toward a brighter future – controlling their own collective destiny. In the same way that the rise of China is making the rest of the world sit up and pay attention, the rise of strong and united African nations will upend the Euro-American hegemony that currently pulls the strings of world events. 

We currently operate in a world driven by globalization and capitalism or perhaps more accurately, the globalization of capitalism, as spread by Western nations throughout the world for both economic and political purposes. It is a system that claims to benefit all, yet mysteriously only advantages the fortunate minority who already control the majority of the world's capital. We seem to live in a world operating with Orwellian, "Animal Farm" logic in which, "all humans/nations are equal, but some humans/nations are more equal than others." Apparently Africa falls into the "less equal" category as evidenced by its history. No other continent has been invaded, conquered, enslaved, raped, pillaged, exploited, subjugated, and impoverished for as long or in as systematic a fashion as Africa. I am careful not to play the "who suffered more" game, nor am I ignorant of the role that Africans themselves play (in recent history) in perpetuating the status quo. What I am trying to draw attention to is the fact that it is in the direct and best interests of the "powers that be" (A.k.a. the permanent members of the UN Security Council and most industrialized Western nations) to keep Africa poor, uneducated, fearful, and as destabilized as possible in order to maintain the current balance of world economic and political power.

Two simple observations: people who are more concerned with their daily survival do not have the time, energy, or even presence of mind to concern themselves with issues beyond meeting their basic necessities. People who are poor and hungry are easily controlled – a fact most effectively exploited under feudalism.

On the other hand, people with resources, education, courage, and stability are not easily controlled – in fact, they are very DANGEROUS! 

There are few things more dangerous than unrealized potential, so it benefits the “powers-that-be” for Africa to remain stuck in the purgatory of “what could be.” 

Borrowing from a spoken word poet named Shadokat, this is the first of many “mind-rocks” I will be slingin’ at the establishment in an effort to call attention to and dismantle a long broken system…

Pick up your mind-rocks, this is a call to arms…

The revolution will not be televised…

Peace,

A-i-T

PS. This is the Africa they never show you on TV – if the world continues to think of us as perpetually poor and struggling, it then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy…

"Ten Things I Want To Say To A Black Woman" (Uplifting My Sistahs and Women in General)

I saw this video on a friend's Facebook page (thanks Cece!) the other day and just had to share it. Black women (and women in general) are too often the unsung heroes in life and society. As I grow together with my wife, another strong and beautiful black woman, I do my best celebrate and appreciate her in every way that I can. The gentleman in the video below, boiled down the essence of the love, respect, and admiration I have for all the women in my life, and poured it into words I could never quite so eloquently and lyrically manifest even on my best day.

So a dedication to my A-i-T sistahs of all hues and women of all races...enjoy this celebration of you!

Peace,

A-i-T

Does Upgrading Your Wardrobe Make You A Poser?

Recently I got an email from one of my boys and just had to turn it into a post -- a slightly edited version appears below:

"Alright, so to my knowledge we all come from middle class families and did not grow up rich. And we are all black males growing up in America, attempting to be successful. So, I studied and went to college. I worked hard to find a good job so that I could buy the things I like. Now a lot of my clothes come from Brooks Brothers, JCrew, Johnston and Murphy etc., things I couldn't afford in college. I dress different now than I did in college; some would classify me as preppy. Yesterday, I went to a polo match in Greenwich, CT.  I mainly went for the tailgating and company of my friends, but I was criticized by another friend. I was told that I am being a poser, dressing a certain way and going to certain events to indicate that I come from money. I really didn't see it that way. I saw it as doing something different and being with my friends. I guess my point is that none of us dress how we used to dress, and we buy things that come with certain labels or indications of wealth, but does that make us posers?  Does that mean we have forgotten where we came from originally? Because I am from Queens, NY should I be anti experiencing a polo match? If I wear a seersucker jacket am I trying to be something I'm not?"

To me, his various friends' criticisms reek of "hater," but the issue goes much deeper than that. To me, it speaks to an extremely myopic vision/definition of what it means to be Black -- both within the black community and society at large. We are not (nor is any other race/ethnicity) one monolithic culture represented by one form of dress, one style of music, or a central brain directing our collective thoughts. Which authority said that buying JCrew, wearing a seersucker suit, or attending a polo match definitively falls outside the "Black experience," and makes my friend or anyone "less Black" or less whatever identity they are?

As a young, black, male, A-i-T, I am extremely aware of the fact that how I and my fellow men of color (MOC) dress, seems to define us more so than many other groups.Why should being Black (or any race) place boundaries on one's experience -- isn't it each individual's job to define his/her own experience as s/he sees fit? Why should it be that clothes define it for us?

Society would have you believe that the official young black male (YBM) uniform is Timberlands/Nikes, baggy/saggy jeans, a tilted baseball cap and a shirt from hip-hop fashion label X. I had my days wearing nothing but Ecko, but now I'm a little older, a little married, and a little working, and my tastes have changed. There is no judgment being passed on my part on anyone who still wears hip-hop fashions -- but herein lies the issue -- The clothing an MOC chooses to outfit himself with seems to speak volumes louder than for your average White (and maybe Asian) guy, and comes pre-loaded with a set of value judgments that he must disrobe himself of in order to be seen for who he truly is.

(Please feel free to comment/debate with me on these opinions/observations, because A-i-T is not a dictatorship -- it is OUR forum)

Think about it, is there any such thing as a typical young White male uniform (YWM)? Does one, or several possibilities come to mind? In contrast to the YBM uniform, which the average person can conjure up in seconds, the YWM uniform is very eclectic, hard to pigeon-hole, and does not necessarily define the wearer's entire identity. How a YBM dresses seems to sharply define his character and separate his identities. There is the presumed, "hood brotha," identifiable at 500 yards by the "YBM uniform" and living a struggling/hustling existence. There is also the "wall street brotha," who "made it" out the hood, as distinguished by his suit. For some strange reason, society says that these two individuals cannot occupy the same body - yet ignorance would dictate that my friend should show up to his finance job wearing Timbs and a do-rag because he's Black...how ridiculous is that?

Buried within this maze also lies class issues, which could fill an entire post. At the end of the day, however, my friend wears Brooks Brothers because that is the uniform at his job, which gives him the means to afford the label. His style of dress may have changed but it has not intrinsically changed his character, in the same way your fashion journey has not altered who you fundamentally are. I will freely admit to having issues with hipsters (the whole trend seems kinda forced), but in general, the notion that upgrading/changing one's wardrobe and having a few experiences outside their norm should make someone a poser, is dubious on its best day...

Adults-in-Training, have  you ever received criticism because your style or extracurricular activities have changed and/or differ from an old set of friends?

Peace,
A-i-T

Where Are The Men In Helping Professions?

In the days leading up to Father's Day in 2009, President Obama reminded men everywhere that their responsibilities do not end with conception. Paraphrasing, he went on to say that the measure of a man is not his ability to create a child, but having the courage to raise one. It is clear that the absence of the male presence in the home is endemic in the US, and has a serious impact on the upbringing of children. Given my current surroundings, I wonder if the lack of men in the helping professions (social work, counseling/ therapy, teaching, etc.) is having a similar impact on youth and wider society in this mission field?

I currently attend Teachers College (Columbia University) where I am pursuing a Masters in Mental Health Counseling. Focusing on my specific program, I am one of approximately twelve men in a cohort of over 100 students! What's even crazier is that due to the recent recession driven return to grad school, I learned that my program has two or three times as many men as normal! This means that under normal circumstances I would be one of maybe 3-5 men total in my entire program. Taking an institutional view, the current figures reveal a gender (im)balance in of 76.8% female to 23.2% male in a student body of 5,388. This effectively means that a miniscule 1 in 4 students is male. This may be the accepted status quo, but to me, it poses a problem. We all know that the helping professions have traditionally been dominated by women -- the underlying issue being socialization around gender and gender stereotyped career paths. Unfortunately outside of 75%-25% ratio at institutions like TC, the world that helping professionals (HPs) serve is basically split 50-50. How well can HPs fully address the needs of clients without close to matching representation?

Follow me for a moment: I was at the beach recently with my wife and another couple. As we observed some very engaged fathers playing with their young children, our discussion turned to whether it is better to be raised by a single mother versus father. After clearing the initial hurdle of the different needs of girls/boys, we agreed that many of the problems faced in adolescence and adulthood relate back to absent fathers. The term "daddy issues" pervades pop-culture as a somewhat sarcastic but truth-containing label, often placed on women who can't seem to be in "healthy" relationships, or the out of control teenage boys (stereotypical examples, I know). The term "mommy issues" hasn't quite caught on - partially because mothers rarely forsake their children, in addition to the the tangible differences in impact of each parent on a child's development. As mentioned in a previous post (Daddy Issues Recognizing the...) no matter how great a mother is, she cannot MODEL for her son what it means to be a good man. She also cannot MODEL for her daughter how she should expect and demand to be treated by men and what an example of a good husband/father looks like - this latter point applies to both. The operative word here is MODEL. Bringing the conversation back to the helping profession, the same issue applies, given the tangibly differential impacts between male versus female HPs on clients -- based on this ability to model...

Let's not get it twisted, this is not about one sex/gender being superior the other within the helping field. Predicated upon the goal of meeting the needs of the population, shouldn't HPs ideally be as diverse as the communities they serve, be it by race, ethnicity or gender? There are certain ways that a male social worker or therapist might be able to connect with a troubled teenage boy and show him how to better channel his aggression etc., that may not be accessible to a female counterpart. A teenage girl who has often suffered in her relationships with the male figures in her life might benefit from experiencing a healthy male/female relationship with her male case manager. With the predominance of women in the field, these opportunities are simply being lost, and it is the clients who suffer. Ultimately, this discussion is a recognition that men are needed to step up not only as fathers, but also to fill the ranks in a professional area that is critical within society. 

Fellow A-i-Ts, do you work as a HP and do you also see this trend? Do you agree/disagree that more men are needed? Let me hear your thoughts. 

Peace,
A-i-T

Sidewalk Casanova

I've said this over and over again, but dang, it's hard being a woman! (speaking from personal experience, of course) From NY to Paris and elsewhere, from the streets to the boardroom, women are constantly being approached by men (young and old), unsolicited -- who misguidedly think they are performing a public service by reminding women how good they look, just in case they somehow forgot that day. Frankly, I don't know how y'all put up with it and some of us men sometimes. It's embarrassing, and occasionally it crosses the line, but I gotta admit, sometimes its just funny to watch.

I was walking down the street this morning, and in classic fashion, another Sidewalk Casanova spots a woman who peaks his interest. He stops dead in his tracks, swivels his head like a sweeping surveillance camera, and with the seriousness of a judge delivering a sentence says something earth shattering like, "Hey ma, you look beautiful, can I talk to you for a minute?!" As if this brilliant, one-time-use observation automatically merits him some face time during this woman's day. What kills me sometimes is how bold these men are and the "righteous" indignation they show when the woman rebuffs their ever so well thought out, sincere, and earnest supplications for the woman's attention.

I'll never forget my wife telling me about her and her friends' misadventures with various Sidewalk Casanovas. One of my favorites involves the 4-year old son of a would-be SC who told my wife's friend, "you beautiful!" while his father was hitting on her. Apparently, it was take your son to work day, and Street Don Juan Jr. was shadowing his father at the office. Apparently, Fisher Price has a, "My First Pick-up Line," division I was unaware of. Another one of my favorites just illustrates how nothing is sacred anymore and Street Casanovas will stop at nothing to get the math that adds up to a phone conversation with a woman in the near future. A kid, no older than 17 was hitting on my wife with the typical lines, when she told him that she had a man. Unfortunately, Positive K's 1992 classic, "I Got a Man" helped Street Casanovas everywhere to reply "What's your man got to do with me?! I ain't tryin'a hear that see!" So homeboy persisted, until she finally told him that she was married (we were engaged at the time). He paused, momentarily defeated, and then with the audacity of a streaker at a sporting event he said, "yeah, but are you happy?"

WHAT!!! ARE YOU FOR SURRIOUS?!?! Yeap...as Sarah Palin on oil drilling!

I fell on the floor laughing, but this incident was kinda scary cos...is truly nothing sacred anymore? Not even marriage seems to be off limits (Check out my previous post: Have an Affair...)? Undoubtedly the nature of male-female relationships has been evolving or devolving depending on your perspective, but into what? Seemingly gone are the days of serious courtship, "going steady," etc. replaced by the current era of friends with benefits, the overall hook-up culture, and websites like adultfriendfinder and cougarlife.com (fodder for future blog posts - the radio commercial for the latter is hilariously disturbing). The issue lies on both sides. On one hand, men need to come correct and approach women with the respect they deserve. On the other, you ladies need to search out and sternly lecture that one girl who was like, "OMG, I loved your pick-up line! Here's my actual phone number, call me!" Cos with men, all it takes is that one girl to inspire hope that it can/will happen again - y'all know Darrel right?

Call me old-fashioned, but when did it become okay to disrespect women with sophomoric come-ons that just add more C02 to the endangered atmosphere each time a Street Casanova opens his mouth? This summer is hot enough already, we don't need any more greenhouse gasses making things worse.

At the end of the day, the most interesting man in the world put it best -- see the video below...

A-i-T Ladies, what is the most comically memorable Street Cassanova encounter you have had? Men, has a woman so fine ever brought out your inner Street Cassanova?

Peace,

A-i-T

The Gift & The Curse

We all know the saying, "With power comes great responsibility," but what is the companion to awareness? Grassroots movements, political campaigns, and corporations all rely on the concept of awareness/awareness raising, in order to advance their agendas. This is a logical and sometimes noble aim, but often, awareness without action is fundamentally useless. It's like standing at an ATM trying to take out money when you have $19.95 in your account -- ain't nuthin' gonna happen! (credit to a forgotten comedian for this image). Awareness is supposed to be empowering whether it's in mental health, education, or public policy. It should be the spark before the flame, or the realization that causes revolution. Awareness needs something backing it up, otherwise it is rendered life-less rather than life-giving. Now, let's have some fun with a tautology: 

Premise: Knowledge = Power = Responsibility

IF: knowledge is power

AND: awareness is tantamount to knowledge 

THEN: awareness is power 

THEREFORE: Awareness = Responsibility 

If you are aware of something and do nothing, you might as well be oblivious because your awareness has done nothing to affect your actions. In this age of information overload, there is too much going on in the world that we are aware of, to sit by idly doing nothing. I am now finding that I can no longer exist like this. Through my experiences thus far as a counselor-in-training (C-i-T) and just generally becoming a more conscious A-i-T, my awareness of the world around me, my own thoughts/feelings/reactions to it, and even a heightened sensitivity to what is going on with others is really opening my eyes to how myopic my vision was before. Though I am an African man who has spent the majority of his life on foreign soil, through my classes and readings I am now more aware of the impact of race/racism, heterosexism, and even the invisible male privilege I carry around. I am more aware of the many "marginal" identity badges that people wear in this society and the plethora of "isms" that ride alongside. I am also becoming more aware of how critical social justice is within this and any society. As a result, I now see how many cracks there are in the image of what could be an immaculate society if we only took action to make it so. 

"All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men/women to do nothing"   

This awareness is a gift...I can see, understand, and experience more than I ever could before. It's like Neo in The Matrix proclaiming, "I know Kung-fu!" At the same time, I feel cursed...because I can't turn it off! Everywhere I go, and with everything I see and do, there is now a heightened level of awareness. I find myself, asking myself what is the deeper meaning, and how does it affect me/others? It's like having a computer program running in my mind's recesses 24/7, but with constant pop-ups when it detects something. What in the world do I do with this?!?! Do I rage against the machine, or simply was poetic on my blog and call it a day? 

Why not both? My future profession calls me to advocate for my clients, and on a higher level, for social justice. My faith and my humanity compel me on an even deeper level to do the same. In the past, I have shied away from being vocal when I encountered certain situations in public and even from approaching certain topics on my blog. Today is a new day, and the difference I can make is a large or as small as my sphere of influence. This blog falls within those bounds. From now on, I hope this blog can support those hard but necessary conversations, because they are part and parcel of what it means for us to be A-i-T's trying to get our grown folk on. I hope to use the power of this blog (whatever that might be) to responsibly turn awareness into action through the sharing of knowledge and diverse perspectives. 

The gift and the curse...well, that all depends on what we do with it... 

Fellow A-i-T's, what are you doing or going to do with your gifts? 

Peace,

A-i-T

Broken but Strong

It's been an interesting journey thus far as a counselor-in-training. This summer was emotionally intense in a way I could never have anticipated - yes, I said, "emotionally intense." I cried a couple times [*cough* - what?] I took an individual counseling skills class plus a group counseling class, in which we the students, also doubled as clients/group members. This means that instead of role-playing different scenarios, we actually bring in real issues from our lives, to give us real material to work with, that we might encounter in a real therapy session. Are you noticing the trend here? Basically, things got REALLY REAL, with anxiety, tears, and fears flying everywhere because life provokes those feelings sometimes. In swimming through all those stories and related emotions, it is easy to feel sad, depressed, angry, etc., which I felt at times, but ultimately I came out on the other side marveling at the strength of the human spirit. 

We currently live in a society, in the US especially, that seems to be doing everything it can to not feel. It is as if we are on a mission to rid ourselves of any emotion in what I'd like to call the "blind pursuit of happiness," which seems to mean a life devoid of any other emotions. If you are down take an upper, if you are up take a downer, if you can't get it up take Viagra, if your kid won't simmer down give him/her Ritalin, and all for what? This is not to rail against medication, because it does serve a purpose when used properly, but we live in a pill-popping, instant-fix, on-demand society where your emotional and other troubles are a doctor's prescription away from resolution. What ever happened to going through stuff and coming out on the other side a stronger, better, faster you? 

Through this process of becoming a "counselor," I have learned a lot about myself, one thing being that I intellectualize my emotions. I reason them away, which probably means I have never really felt their full depth and intensity. This A-i-T is supposed to have his business together and appear cool, calm, and collected at all times. A-i-T's cracks could not show, and that took more work than I ever realized. Any of you ever been there? All that stress and pressure on myself to keep it together, really only resulted in more stress and pressure. I had spent so much time trying not to feel, that I forgot how necessary it is to just feel sometimes. Society tells us that we are weak when we cry - whether you are a man or a woman - yet through recent experiences, I learned the opposite to be true: Sometimes we are the strongest when we are able to cry...when we are able to sit through and deal with our emotions directly.

In A-i-T's humble opinion, in our self-medicating society, alcohol, pill-popping, sex, and other pursuits are mere distractions, with temporary results at best. Facing our emotions, now that's the real challenge. Life can be as hard as it is beautiful, and many of us are facing/will face health issues, death in our families, financial difficulties, heartbreak, etc. Yet, somehow, we manage to keep on going. In my program, I am surrounded by individuals who are going through stuff, and yet they manage to work, maintain relationships, family obligations, balancing their personal life with the demanding life of master's level work, all in the pursuit of becoming a "wounded healer" (credit to Maria for that term).

My ethics professor said it best, "If you don't think you have any issues, that's your issue!"  

What I am seeing, through my classmates, friends, and even in my own life, is that though we are all broken in some way, we are still strong. This may sound biblical to some, and I am not shy to say that's part of my worldview, but it's also just keeping it true. We are all much stronger than we think we are, we just need to give ourselves permission to be broken, and to cry a little if/when necessary... 

Fellow Adults-in-Training, in what areas of your life do you feel broken but strong? When was the last time you allowed yourself a good cry? 

Peace,

A-i-T

Why is Television Art Not Reflecting Life?

Demographers predict that between the years 2030 and 2050, people of color (POC) will become the numerical majority of the US population. We are in the midst of radical demographic changes, and I'm sure the 2010 census will go a long way to support this prediction. Social scientists and academics refer to this ongoing phenomenon as the "diversification of America," or more literally, the "changing complexion of society." My simple question is, why is today's major network television not yet hip to the game? Why is television art, not yet reflecting life? 

This observation is not new, nor would I pass it off as such, but it's just been smacking me in the face of late as I have witnessed most recent roll-out of new and upcoming network TV shows. Back in the day (as in late '90s/early 2000s), Chris Rock, in one of his many brilliant social critiques summarized and renamed the major network television stations as follows:

-ABC = Anything But Color

-NBC = Nothing But Caucasians

-WB  = Where the Brothas At? 

In 2010, Rock's observations still ring true...and perhaps even more so. It seems no matter the theme of the show, or what state, city, or town the shows are set in, one factor remains constant, there apparently exists a magical America where POC just don't exist. If they do exist, thanks solely to the benevolence of the writers and network executives, POC simply serve to provide a colorful backdrop (literally and figuratively) for the White main characters to interact with. Frankly, it's just getting on my nerves...

I recently started watching this ABC show called "The Deep End," about five young, brilliant, first-year associates at an elite LA law firm. It's an entertaining show if you can look past how glamorous they make the job look -- I'm sure all my lawyer A-i-T's can attest to that. What irks is me is how four of the five young lawyers are White, plus the obligatory token Black male. Are you honestly telling me ABC could not cast even one Asian, Latina/o, Native American in one or two of the other roles? If we wanted to get technical, looking at educational trends related to sex, it would be more accurate to have three women and two men versus the current balance. One of the White male characters is Australian, fresh from down under, which adds national diversity but does nothing for the complexion of the show.

In cities like New York and LA where approximately 1 in 3 people are foreign born, how is this show or any other show supposed to relate to current life in the US?

And let's be clear, this is not just a Black and White thing. Aside from B.D. Wong on Law & Order SVU, and Lucy Liu's brief stint on the small screen, how many other Asian characters of any significance can you name? George Lopez is no doubt doing his thing, but if Latinos are the largest minority group, why aren't there more representing on shows not found on Telemundo or Univision? Native Americans? The forgotten aboriginal people of this land...can they get a cameo please? And these are just the check boxes we are all forced to fit ourselves in on the census form -- what about all those who don't identify with one of the five major racial categories recognized in the US?

Granted, strides have been made in diversifying the look of television. There are definitely more POC in leading or main character roles across networks but it still feels like token efforts. Commercials are the one place where diversity is truly taking hold, but to me, it's dollars driving advertisers' diversity sense. If you want everyone to by your product, you had better feature EVERYONE in your commercial. I doubt it's more complicated than that.

I am definitely waiting for this generation's Cosby show, and no, I don't mean Tyler Perry's, "Meet the Browns" or "House of Payne." I just want to see on TV the diversity I see everyday when I walk out my door. The United States is the most diverse nation in the world...I think it's about time its TV shows began to FULLY represent that fact... 

Fellow Adults-in-Training, I know TV is meant for entertainment...but do you feel like TV art is reflecting your life? 

Peace,

A-i-T

"Have an Affair...Act Like an Adult for Once..."

The title of this post does not mean that A-i-T has gone rogue and abandoned his senses or his wife, but was chosen because it nicely captures what seems to be a growing trend of infidelity in society these days. The title comes from a line spit by Jay-Z on Mya's only memorable song "Best of Me." Infidelity is nothing new but it seems to be rampant these days. Part of this observation is based on the numerous scandals within our recent collective memory among celebrities and other public figures, but another part of the inspiration for this post is much more personal... 

A good friend of mine was recently cheated on by his fiancee (yes, women cheat too, they just get caught less often) and it pierced me to my core to hear his story. The worst part about the whole situation is that his fiancee's partner in crime was A MARRIED MAN!!! A few days after hearing his story, I was watching TV and around 12:30am, when a commercial came on for a dating website I had never heard of called, AshleyMadison.com. (Check out the video at the bottom of this post). This website bills itself as, "The World's Premiere Discreet Dating Service," and it's slogan is, "Life is short, have an affair." 

For Surrious?!?! 

I felt sick, outraged, and momentarily dumbstruck, after this commercial was over, and then I remembered that I was in America, where almost anything is possible. A-i-T is not naive enough to think that married, engaged, and dating adults were not already using match.com, e-harmony or other "singles dating" websites to help them violate their vows or relationship commitments, but to see a website 100% dedicated to facilitating adultery...it just blew my mind! I apologize if I'm late on this since the site's CEO has been on a bunch of daytime talk shows (like The View) but I couldn't keep my fingers off the keyboard...

We all know that the divorce rate in the US hovers around 50%, and sites like AshleyMadison are going to help drive up that statistic, but there are so many other influences. What is it about today's culture that seems to make infidelity appear not only more prevalent, but almost forgivable, or seen as a minor offense? While politicians effectively dig their own grave when they are caught in an affair, celebrities of screen and sport seem to rise from the ashes like the phoenix if they apologize well and often enough, and then release a good movie (hello Brad Pitt & Jude Law) or win a championship (what up Kobe). How quickly do we forgive and forget their "transgressions" and moral failings once they begin entertaining us again? Let's see how long our memory is once Tiger wins another golf tournament. This is obviously not the case for the average John or Jane Cheater, but society doesn't tell them otherwise...

To me, cheating epitomizes some of the worst aspects of human nature. It's an act whose ultimate purpose is to satisfy some unmet need of the actor, with complete disregard for their gf/bf/spouse/partner, whatever. It is immature, spiteful, and completely selfish/self-serving...but can it be seen as a reflection of the society we currently live in? Our world is the instant gratification of the "Buy Now" option on retail websites and the swiping of credit cards. It's the personal electronic devices from mp3 players to laptops that we matrix -- I mean plug ourselves into that connect yet at the same time allow us to get lost in our own world of personal entertainment. Everything these days seems to be geared toward the individual...but what about the collective? What happened to family, friends, and significant others?

Think about the 2-5yr-old that has just learned the meaning of the words, "NO," and "MINE." And the phrase "BUT I WANT IT NOW!." Now picture the contexts they would use those words in. Now think about a grown adult stepping out on their gf/bf/spouse/partner, with their years of growth and intelligence. Jay-Z was right...having an affair is mos def an adult decision, but this A-i-T would argue that underneath it all are some pretty selfish, child-like impulses...

Marriage is a beautiful thing, but ultimately it's about making sacrifices and putting the needs of the other person you love first. True Love = Willing, Daily Self-Sacrifice. If you have not yet arrived in a place in your life where you are ready, willing, and able to do that, then if you were truly acting like an evolved A-i-T, you wouldn't have gotten married, and wouldn't need to have an affair in the first place... 

Adults-in-Training, is AshleyMadison.com the sign of a society that increasingly accepts cheating? 

Peace,

A-i-T

Exposing the Hilarious Hypocrisy of Stereotypes...

Let's just openly acknowledge that we all know of and use stereotypes. It's no one's fault, because socialization is an inevitable process, unless you have successfully sequestered yourself in a culture-proof bubble (congratulations...how are you reading this blog?). At best, stereotypes are an efficient way for our brains to process and organize the multitude of information we encounter each day about people, places, and things. At worst, they are incredibly offensive, truth obscuring mechanisms that serve to keep certain people/groups in their "place," whatever that place might be. The scariest thing about stereotypes, however, is their ability to creep and settle unchallenged into society's collective consciousness, and their resistance to logic in the face of truth. I feel that as A-i-T's trying to become grown-folk, we should make the conscious effort to counter stereotypes beginning with ourselves and those around us...

I could wax poetic and write an entire dissertation about stereotypes their genesis and effects, but sometimes the most effective weapon in the fight against the "isms" of society  is humor. Combating racism is not an intellectual exercise, but is rather an active lived experience. I recognize that racism is as serious as cancer, and not because it is a nice sounding written analogy, but rather because it is a literal description. There is nothing funny about it until you realize how stupid and senseless the whole enterprise really  is. Stereotypes just serve to prove the point. Think of them as four contradictory walls erected by mainstream society to box an individual/group in. Once the "oxy-moronic" nature is exposed however, the walls Berlin down...CRASH!!!

The other night on John Oliver's New York Stand-Up Show, I came across a great young comedian named, Hari Kondabolu, who is a man after my own heart. Much of his comedy has a social justice orientation, where he intelligently points out the hypocrisy in past and present race relations. He is someone I will definitely keep an eye on. Check out this clip talking about the ludicrous nature of stereotypes about Mexicans...

Live at Gotham
Hari Kondabolu - Mexican Stereotypes
www.comedycentral.com
Joke of the Day Stand-Up Comedy Free Online Games

Adults-in-Training let's expose stereotypes for what they are...absolutely ridiculous...

Peace,

A-i-T

Daddy Issues...Recognizing the Importance of Fathers

"We need fathers to step up, to realize that their job does not end at conception; that what makes you a man is not the ability to have a child but the courage to raise one," ~President Barack Obama 

I have to admit that my guilty pleasure is reality TV. I am fully aware of how mindless, superficial, and utterly ridiculous it can be, but sometimes that's exactly how I want my entertainment. As a therapist in training and aspiring blogger, however, reality shows are a goldmine for observing a variety of human behavior. Whether genuine or scripted melodrama, it's all information  for me to mull over and discuss. Some of the most disturbing yet data rich reality shows are those surrounding love and dating. They are filled with men and women who seemingly have no clue about what it means to establish, build, and maintain a stable and loving relationship beyond the superficial. As I watch more of these shows, a common thread seems to emerge that binds these wannabe celebreality stars, many come from family backgrounds with issues surrounding their fathers. 

I was watching VH1's, Tough Love the other day, where a mother/son matchmaking duo assist women who can't seem to find "Mr. Right," and have no idea why.  In a recent episode, the show's host asked each of the women to discuss their relationships with their fathers to find out if their past relationship with this important male figure in their lives, may have influenced their current issues/difficulties with men. Not surprisingly, every one of the women broke down and revealed pasts with absent, abusive (in various forms), or inconsistent relationships with their fathers. The impact of these traumatic father-daughter relationships seem to be the steady stream of broken women in this world, some of whom end up on this show and others like the Flava or Rock of Love and the latest awful iteration in the series, For The Love of Ray J. (Side note: I can't believe he and Brandy are biologically related and grew up in the same home...). The flip-side of the coin are the broken men in the world and on TV who have no clue how to treat a woman with respect and as having value beyond the bedroom, and do not understand what it means to raise a family.

I am a self-confessed mama's boy. I love and respect, my mother as a strong, independent and loving woman, and the woman I married shares those traits (maybe a few too many traits, but that's for another post). Mothers are the rock of every family and should be celebrated everyday for the multiple roles they play and the nurturing/teaching that they do. However, there are certain powers that even mothers do not possess:  

Beyond words...there are two key things that a mother cannot do:

1) Mothers cannot show/model for their sons how to be a man, especially relationally, regarding how to treat women or hold his own with other men.

2) Mothers cannot show/model for their daughters how they should expect and demand to be treated and valued or what a good man looks like. 

Last year, President Obama, rightly challenged fathers to step up and play their role, because it is vital for the proper upbringing of a child. This is not to knock single-parent families or say that people are automatically dysfunctional if one parent is missing, but rather to underscore the truth that children are supposed to have TWO parents in a loving, stable, and committed relationship. It is the first significant male/female relationship that a child ever sees, and it is the one they have the most exposure to. How a father treats his wife directly impacts the pattern of future relationships for his son/daughter by creating a blueprint. 

A friend's father once told her that he'd be, "the best boyfriend she ever had!" meaning that any boy/man that came after would have a tough time matching up, and I think that's exactly how it should be. To me this means modeling a good relationship with my wife everyday, and tangible actions with my daughter like "daddy/daughter days," and making sure she knows what it looks/feels like to have a man that supports, encourages, and loves her fully and unconditionally. With my son it would involve the same modeling, but also an emphasis on respecting his mother, which will translate into how he treats the women he will meet later on in life. These things may sound simplistic and are by no means earth shattering revelations, but some of the most powerful life lessons come from the most basic of actions. As a father, literally just being there, consistently, and with genuine effort can mean the world to a child, which was the message of the 2009 Father Involvement PSA ad campaign. It simply says: "Take the time to be a father today..."

There is obviously a need for us men to step up and act like grown folk and take care of our responsibilities. According to Fatherhood.gov: 

1) Children with involved, loving fathers are significantly more likely to do well in school, have healthy self-esteem, exhibit empathy and pro-social behavior, and avoid high-risk behaviors such as drug use, truancy, and criminal activity compared to children who have uninvolved fathers.

2) Studies on parent-child relationships and child well-being show that father love is an important factor in predicting the social, emotional, and cognitive development and functioning of children and young adults.

3) 24 million children (34 percent) live without their biological father. 

Gentlemen...I'd say it's time for us to step up!!! 

Fellow Adults-in-Training, what do you think about the fact we even need to call attention to the importance of fatherhood in the current and previous generations? Shouldn't it be a given? 

Peace,

A-i-T

Avatar -- A 3-Hour Summary of Racial Politics and History -- Who Knew?

DISCLAIMER: If you have not yet seen Avatar and do not want the movie ruined for you, please stop reading. Otherwise, if you have already seen it or don't care, continue and enjoy... 

I watched Avatar the other day and it was visually one of the most amazing movies I have ever seen. The imagination behind the landscapes, inhabitants, and creatures of this alien world was truly breathtaking. Though almost three hours long, the characters and plot are engaging and well played out, all combining to completely capture one's imagination -- or mine at least. The technical wizardry that seamlessly blends live-action with CGI is light-years ahead of anything we've seen. In an interview I saw with the director, James Cameron, he spoke about how this movie was written more than ten years ago and had to be shelved until they invented the technology to tell this story...How ironic that the storyline is as old as the first European ship that ever set sale to discover distant lands...

 Summary: Sometime in the future, we have depleted the Earth's energy resources (shout out to the green movement), and we must rely on distant planets to provide our energy needs (what up OPEC!). We find ourselves on Pandora, a beautiful and pristine planet, reminiscent of the Amazon that is being clear cut and mined to obtain an energy rich and extremely profitable precious metal very appropriately/humorously named "Unobtanium." On Pandora dwell an indigenous people called the Na'vi, who live in harmony with this beautiful world and respect and protect its natural wonders. Through the eyes of a wheelchair bound ex-marine, Jake Sully, we witness a greedy corporation (read: "the West") destroying this beautiful land to obtain the Unobtanium, and of course the Na'vi's village sits atop the richest deposit on the planet. Through his Na'vi avatar, Jake is supposed to infiltrate and become part of the Na'vi people and either convince them to move, or pass on his learned intelligence for a military strike...as expected, conflict ensues... 

Despite its futuristic/intergalactic setting, Avatar is the story of imperialism, colonialism, and capitalism in its historical and modern forms. It is the classic tale of the powerful using, abusing, and exploiting those less mighty and usually darker-skinned. Avatar is the history of Africa and parts of Asia. It is the forgotten narrative of the aboriginal peoples of Australia, New Zealand, and the Americas. It hints strongly at being a sharp critique of the war in Iraq and other wars fought over precious natural resources. Avatar is a historical account of race politics, and every war of invasion and conquest ever fought for capital gains, except this time, the natives actually win -- but not without the help of a courageous conqueror turned defender of the good and noble people of the land. It is parts Pocahontas, The Last Samurai, and every cowboy and Indian movie ever made (Dances With Wolves much?). Avatar is a highly entertaining movie, but I wonder if it's creators fully intended it as a wake-up call for a modern world with a short memory of how current circumstances came to be? With all the eye-popping visuals, will moviegoers catch the critical messages? 

The racial issues in this movie are blatantly evident. The corporation though somewhat diverse, is a mostly White enterprise, especially reflected in the main characters. In contrast, the Na'vi are tall, blue-skinned, golden-eyed and beautifully exotic (a loaded adjective purposely used). Aside from their other-worldly features, 'other' being the operative word, the Na'vi from visual appearance to their their way of life  appear as a blend of Native American and African features, cultures and customs (think Apache meets Masai/Zulu warrior). They are a noble people who are connected to their surroundings in a way that is lost to our modern world. Nature and life in general are treated with the utmost respect and as supremely precious. Whatever energy or resource is taken from the earth must ultimately be returned in order to maintain balance. Their way of life may be looked upon as "simple" or "primitive," but by whose standards? 

The corporation, boasting machines, guns, and technology, represent the height of human advancement. They view the Na'vi as "savages" and seek to "civilize" them with the same "benevolent," eternally paternalistic mindset as the European explorers/colonizers of yore that landed on foreign shores with the aim of "teaching" the natives their ways with one hand while taking their natural resources and destroying their culture with the other. The corporation employs the familiar tactics of building schools and sharing technical know-how while pursuing ulterior motives. We must ask ourselves this question, who is the true savage? The one that rapes and pillages the land and destroys the native people, or the one who lives in harmony with their surroundings and respects all forms of life? 

"We are going to blast a hole in their racial memory that they will never forget!" 

This line from the movie made an indelible impression on me. I had to ask my wife if I had heard correctly because I was shocked when I heard it, even though it came from the mouth of the war-mongering, trigger-happy, marine mercenary leader. This line truly highlights the "us" versus "them" storyline in this film. As seen throughout history until today, when indigenous groups refuse to give up their land and resources after being "asked nicely," they must be taken by force. The corporation in Avatar is clearly representative of today's Western governments and multinational corporations, who often work in veiled collusion to exploit the resources and people of the "developing world" (another loaded term). If you don't believe me, please read Confessions of an Economic HitMan, by John Perkins, for an insider's account of how international politics and business play  out (Click here for Amazon.com page). 

The turning point of the story comes when Jake falls in love with the beautiful Naytiri, the Na'vi chief's daughter and his reluctant tutor. As she teaches him the ways of her people, Sully finally realizes that the corporation he has been playing the good soldier for is inherently evil and wrong in their actions. He courageously switches sides, confesses his sins, loses the trust and faith of his exotic love interest and her people, and yet somehow manages to regroup and return to become the chief of the Na'vi by accomplishing the one nearly impossible traditional right of passage worthy of chieftaincy. He returns triumphantly as the White knight riding the proverbial white horse, which in this case happens to be the most vicious aerial predator on Pandora, appropriately nicknamed "Last Shadow." Jake then unites all the Na'vi tribes from the four corners of the planet and successfully defeats the corporation. Hooray!  

This incredibly clichéd ending serves to highlight/perpetuate the  notion that indigenous peoples can never save themselves without the help of the oppressor, turned justice seeking crusader. Or is it pointing out a major truth?  

As some of you may know, A-i-T is Ghanaian and very proud of that fact. As a Ghanaian/African, I was perhaps more deeply affected by this movie because its themes resonate with my inherited and lived experiences. I realize that the solutions to the current issues must come from Ghanaians themselves, but I also recognize that Western governments and corporations still hold the reins of power -- that's just reality. Until they are willing to share those reins, and help uplift as partners rather than exploit the "developing" nations in this world, the status quo will remain unchanged. 

The Native Americans originated the saying: "never criticize a man until you walk a mile in his moccasins [shoes]." Aside from the visual feast that is Avatar, perhaps the most amazing part of the movie, at least to this A-i-T, is that it took Jake Sully literally putting on the blue skin of the Na'vi to understand their experiences and worldview and realize the errors/injustices of the corporation. To me, this is a powerful metaphor, whether intended or not, for what needs to take place on this planet for the betterment of race relations and ultimately for the benefit of our shared collective, as the human race... 

To me, Avatar was kinda deep...who knew? 

Adults-in-Training, this is what I saw when I watched Avatar...what did you get from this film...? 

Peace,

A-i-T

When Shopping Feels Gross...

I had the misfortune of having to do some last minute shopping on Christmas eve, and frankly, I felt kinda gross during the process. It's not that I wasn't feeling the holiday spirit -- I was out with my wife and brother-in-law buying presents for their younger brothers -- but the scene at the Manhattan Mall was a little crazy. During last year's holiday season, people were injured and a man was even killed in crowd stampedes on Black Friday and other massive sale's events. In a supposedly civilized society, things like that should not happen...but when acquiring material things becomes more important than the people you are getting them for, perhaps there is a problem...

A-i-T is not a doctor, but my amateur diagnosis points to a severe case of Mass Consumerism.

Manhattan Mall and the general 34th St. and Broadway area were absolutely packed. It was like a swarm of locusts on a field of crops. Replace locusts with people, and crops with merchandise, and the picture becomes clear. Like me, I'm sure most people were out shopping for loved ones, but in place of laughter and joy, I was struck by the steely looks of determination on people's faces as they hunted down their product prey. People cursed loudly as they came upon lines any rational person should expect to be serpentine in nature and length at this time of year. Parents squabbled with unruly children pressing for an additional gift that they "really, really, really want!" Couples were arguing about what store to hit for their next purchase. Still others just looked angry at the fact that they had to be out on Christmas eve.

It's no secret that over the years Christmas has become an increasingly commercialized holiday. As soon as the months on the calendar start ending with 'B-E-R', the retail industry launches an all out assault on our senses to let us know what essential product is missing from our lives. This media blitz tells how much better our lives will be by buying product X, and it can cause our focus to shift. The spirit of joy and sharing  in this season seems to have been co-opted by capitalism and obscured by a desire for consuming.

CHRISTmas is ultimately about celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ. But whether or not you believe in Jesus, this holiday is truly about celebrating and appreciating your familly and friends. The three wise men gave baby Jesus gifts to show their love, respect and appreciation for the Saviour. We continue this tradition by giving gifts on Christmas to show our appreciation for those who love and support us during the other 364 days of the year. It feels amazing to be able to give someone something that they want and/or need and give them a bit of joy wrapped in colorful paper and a bow (if that's your thing).

What concerns me is when too much value becomes attached to the gift over what gift represents. What concerns me is when the drive to acquire a gift supplants the spirit and reason for giving it.

Madonna was more correct and predictive than she knew when she declared back in the 80's that "we are living in a material world." In today's world, consumption and the ability to do so are equated with happiness. The irony is that nothing we buy is built to last, so how can we expect temporal possessions to keep us permanently happy?

I felt gross last Thursday, not because I don't enjoy shopping or possess some "holier-than-thou" attitude when it comes to acquiring new stuff (A-i-T has a wish-list too), but because I was participating in a consumer culture that feels unhealthy. Let's flip it like this: We all know that our favorite fried or fast food tastes great going down, but often we feel a little gross after consuming it, ultimately not making it that satisfying. Current consumer culture is similar in that it feels great going down but after the initial high, the results can be less than satisfying.

Adults-in-Training, how do you feel about current consumer culture...is it in need of a make-over?

Peace,
A-i-T