I was watching MTV on Monday night to catch the replay of the VMAs and personally witness how Kanye West permanently cemented his status as the biggest egomaniac the entertainment world has ever seen (dang 'Ye, not a good look). Normally, I try to preserve brain cells by not watching too much MTV, but then an episode of True Life came on and you know how sometimes you just can't turn away from something? Well this was one of those times...enter MTV's True Life: I'm Polyamorous. ~From Wikipedia
Polyamory (from Greek πολυ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [love]) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and free consent of everyone involved.
Polyamorous - adjective
This episode focused on two sets of polyamorous relationships, specifically one between three gay men, and another involving two "bi-curious" women and a man. In full disclosure, I must state that the concept/practice of polamory does not match my values. To me, anything that is not monogamy is cheating, swinging, or being a player/playette, none of which I agree with [and polyamory just sounds like a euphemism for those]. I do not take issue, however, with sexual orientation. This blog will never debate or discuss it beyond direct relevance to the topic at hand as this is not the appropriate forum.
This episode focused on two sets of polyamorous relationships, specifically one between three gay men, and another involving two "bi-curious" women and a man. In full disclosure, I must state that the concept/practice of polamory does not match my values. To me, anything that is not monogamy is cheating, swinging, or being a player/playette, none of which I agree with [and polyamory just sounds like a euphemism for those]. I do not take issue, however, with sexual orientation. This blog will never debate or discuss it beyond direct relevance to the topic at hand as this is not the appropriate forum.
This aside, what intrigued, confused, and stirred various other emotions in me was the fact that a person would willingly enter into a love triangle, when most would agree that these relationships tend to result in total "hot messness" -- usually because one participant is in the dark. The full disclosure that characterizes polyamory would seem to resolve the discovery/betrayal issue and allow all participants to gain fulfillment but how good can anyone really be about sharing someone they are intimate with?
As events unfolded in the show, it became very clear watching both relationships that one member got the best of both worlds by being the "central/dominant lover" of the two peripheral players. Eventually, one partner felt left out, leading them (in both cases) to bring in a fourth member in order to "balance the equation." Doesn't this totally contradict the premise of this supposed next level relationship style? If they have to revert back to pairing in order to be fully satisfied, doesn't that mean polyamory doesn't ultimately work?
Last time I checked, when it comes to love, "two's company, and three's a crowd." Following this logic, how does the math in polyamory add up, and where does it stop?
Maintaining one solid intimate relationship presents enough challenges for the average person. This said, how do you do better with more people in the mix? Are these relationships truly deep and intimate, or are they merely a convenient mechanism for people to mutually but selfishly satisfy a need for love and attention -- that ultimately we all seek? To me, the whole concept appears shallow and stems from a fear of commitment.
I wonder what is it about society and current relationship trends that has people so afraid of true and deep love -- leading some to pursue things like polyamory? Going back to my previous post about marriage (If It's Broke...Try to Fix It...) it would seem that the nature of relationships in general, whether married or dating have changed at some fundamental level. It appears some people are on a quest to to fill up some sort of hole within their life, and will pursue what seems to work for the moment, rather than seeking something more lasting.
Adults-in-Training, what's your reaction to this concept of polyamory? Do you think it's okay to be intimate with more than one person if all parties know and agree? Had you heard of it before? What impact do you think it has on society/how people approach relationships?
Peace,
Posts
3 comments:
I don't take issue with other people engaging in polyamorous relationships if all of the people involved agree on the terms involved in a relationship. A monogamous marriage and a polygamous marriage both involve some form of a relationship contract between the parties. This contract can be broken by one or more parties, however, that the contract can be broken is not a fault inherent in the type of relationship (i.e., personal responsibility as a solution).
For the sake of argument, I'd like to take on your claim that people engage in polyamorous relationships because of a fear of commitment. The way that you talk about commitment implies that commitment brings "true and deep love" that is "lasting." You also state that these people might be looking to fill a void. Let's keep it real, people in monogamous relationships are looking to fill some void too (unless you try to convince yourself about how independent you are). For some it's being with someone who makes them feel whole, loved, special, unique, supported, etc. Can a polyamorous relationship give you that. You bet. Does that make them insecure? If so, then so are monogamous partners who come to "need" each other, opening themselves up for all of the good and the bad. Intimacy is one of the most pure forms of vulnerability. I think the interesting aspect of the polyamorous relationships is the potential to get more emotional, sexual, etc. needs met than you can get with one person alone. These people have a handful trying to keep the drama to a minimum I'm sure.
@ Stephon well i think that's exactly the problem that in monogamy or ploygamy no relationship will work unless some level of independence is established on both ends. Co-dependence is one of the reasons why most relationships do not work because someone who is only human can only satisfy another's needs by so much before the task wears them out. Having seen the show myself and having witnessed one of the subjects who was in a relationship with two men cry himself to sleep because the other two men were sharing a room and he felt lonely and left out, it was clear that a need wasn't being met. SO his solution, let's bring someone else into the relationship so i don't feel lonely anymore - at which point will that need be met? with a fifth, sixth or seventh individual - that alone shows the idea of seeking another to fill a void or meet a need. I will agree with you that the same issues can arise in a relationship whether it's monogamous or polygamous but what i will say is that the underlying issue is that in any relationship there can be the illusion that being with someone else will fill a particular void or cure a feeling of loneliness and i don't think seeking out multiple people to fill that void or meet that need is the answer - the answer is ultimately figuring out how to do it for yourself.
I'm polyamorous. I have 5 deeply committed partners. There are at least 25 relationship dynamics within the larger group of my partners. We get along extremely well, the length of our relationships vary between 2 years and 15 years, we're transparent in our communication, we work through our issues with ease that would make marriage and family therapists jealous and we do not ascribe to a particular hierarchy. Most of what gets in the way of people having successful consensual non-monogamous relationships is the social conditioning that they grow up with. Once inside a working poly dynamic it becomes pretty apparent that the only limiting factor is time, love it pretty much infinite but life is short. I am grateful that I exponentially more love in my life than I did when I tried to be monogamous. Monogamy was not for me, I never cheated a single time, but none of my relationships worked until I learned to not own or limit anyone with my insecurities.
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