If It's Broke...Try to Fix it...

Please Click Here to read the article that inspired this post:

“There are times in every relationship when the parties involved need a break. What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?” ~Laura A. Munson

It is commonly accepted, that the current divorce rate in the US is approximately 50%. This means that people in this country are about as likely to get divorced as they are to correctly guess “heads” or “tails” in a coin toss. WOW, are you for surrious? If that’s what marriage means in the US context for our generation and those to come, we’ve got some serious work to do!

As someone who recently got married, in front of God, my family and friends, I flatly refuse to become a statistic. How have we gotten to a point where people treat marriage like a car lease or some other terminable contract? – “when I get tired of driving this car, I’ll take it back to the dealer and trade it in for a new/different model.” (pun brutally intended)

Which part of “for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part” do people not understand, or rather, conveniently forget? To me, what those vows convey at their most basic level is that you and your chosen husband/wife agree to work out together, the inevitable challenges that life and marriage will present. Plain and simple – well, perhaps plain, but not so simple…

We can all agree that there are a few universal, morally/culturally accepted reasons for divorce:
1) Adultery
2) Abuse
Beyond that, I’d like to humbly argue that two mature and rational adults who have CHOSEN to enter into marriage should have the ability to come to a mutually agreeable resolution. I am not ignorant of the many circumstances by which a marriage can dissolve: incompatibility; finances; how he/she squeezes the toothpaste. Some marriages were never meant to be. However, I think that a combination of immaturity, selfishness and romanticized (read, unrealistic) views of marriage play a large part in the higher than acceptable rate of divorce. In addition, changes in social and familial structure have eroded many of the external checks and balances needed to help keep a marriage together.

Note to Wedding Guests: aside from eating, drinking, giving nice gifts and being happy for the newly married couple – your chief role is actually to serve as an accountability witness, who beyond that special day, are supposed to assist the bride & groom in honoring their marriage vows.

I keep insisting on the word “chosen,” because marriage (within the US/western context) is normally entered into voluntarily by both parties – though some men may disagree ;-)
You of your own free will chose to marry the man or woman who you felt you could spend the rest of your life with. If you can make a choice of such a profound nature, why is it so hard to choose safeguard and save this choice?

In the NYTimes piece, I was struck by the maturity, understanding, and honor that the author displayed in allowing her husband to work out, what were ultimately his own issues, in order to save their marriage. It was not easy, but then again nothing in life that’s worth anything ever is…
The ending of her story is not everyone's ending, but I think her approach is one that can be learned from. Right now the approach seems to be "get divorced, ask questions later..." How can we change that mentality?

When you are not happy in a marriage you have to take responsibility for yourself. Your husband/wife cannot fix you or your issue(s). It is also grossly unfair to depend entirely upon your spouse for your own happiness – that is an impossible feat at best. The author sums it up well: "When life’s knocked us around. And our childhood myths reveal themselves to be just that. The truth feels like the biggest sucker-punch of them all: it’s not a spouse or land or a job or money that brings us happiness. Those achievements, those relationships, can enhance our happiness, yes, but happiness has to start from within. Relying on any other equation can be lethal."

This truth will save a lot of marriages and this attitude should be present beforehand, so that “I do,” doesn’t become, “Not really.”

As for being unhappy, emotions come and go like the wind, so take it from the author, "take responsibility for [your] own happiness...Go trekking in Nepal. Build a yurt in the back meadow. Turn the garage studio into a man-cave. Get that drum set you’ve always wanted. Anything but hurting [your spouse and maybe children] with a reckless move..."

If something in your life breaks, your normal inclination is to try and fix it. The US economy just broke and the government that is wed to it is trying to fix it. If your marriage breaks…Try To Fix It…

Adults-in-Training, what was your reaction to the NYTimes article? What are your views on marriage and divorce in the US – what can we do to reverse the trend?

Peace,
A-i-T

P.S. This was a long one...but I had to get it all on wax. Thanks for reading!