“When you meet someone for the first time, you’re not meeting them – you’re meeting their representative!” ~Chris RockToo often, this really is the truth. We all know about first impression theory, especially when it comes to dating, but I humbly offer that the relationship/dating game in of itself keeps too many people from making the right connection. If everyone’s end goal is to find a good companion, then why play the games that inevitably create stress, melodrama and emotional strife? Why do we collectively perpetuate a system based to a certain extent on gaming & deception?
If people stopped playing games and started “keeping it true” (I’m done with “keeping it real”) I think more people would actually win. I acknowledge that people’s personal histories, personality, preferences, etc. play a critical role in how they approach relationships/dating, BUT wouldn’t we make deeper connections sooner if people remained true, rather than disguising what they are bringing to the table?
Think about your close friends and how you became such. No games just truth, right? And it happened fast – you just clicked. Last time I checked, most of us would hold truth/genuineness as one of the main reasons we associate with those we hold close. The same logic should then apply to intimate relationships. So why then, do we add all these layers of deception/complication?
I bet you and your guys/girls have strategized like this at some point:
-“If I ignore him/her, then he/she will want me more.”
-“If I send him/her this text/email, he/she might do [fill in the blank]?”
-“Should I bother to call, text, or email him/her”
-“What did he/she mean when he/she said or did [fill in the blank]” And so on.
Is dating really like a game of poker, where you can strategize, read, bluff, and deceive your way into winning the pot?
We say and do things in dating to illicit a desired response from the opposite sex. Now, if we have to game and experiment our way into a relationship – how real/deep/long lasting can the relationship really be? I’m not ignorant of the fact that there is a “how to” and “how not to” successfully date, but how far are we going to take the game?
Making friends is pretty simple and organic – it kinda "just happens.” Is dating/finding a significant other really inherently that much more complicated – or do we just make it so?
In the end, it looks to me like we might just be playing ourselves…
Adults-in-Training, why do we keep playing these games when ultimately, they don’t get us what we really want – are we trying to hide something? Are you a firm believer in playing the game, or do you believe that “keeping it true” is a viable alternative?
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5 comments:
Well, you inspired me to start a blog...and you are right about "The Game." And speaking of which, have you read the book by the same title? A journalist tags along with the best (self-proclaimed of course) pick-up artists for two years.
Half way through the book, I put it down and realized one fundamental flaw in how we (or men at least) approach meeting women: We're so concerned about what we shouldn't say, that inevitably we say nothing at all. One should be confident in saying whatever it is you are going to say.
But to the point of one's best friends - are not most of the same sex? In which case, you remove the X-factor: Sexuality. Provided you are attracted to the opposite sex, there is no sexual tension upon meeting someone so you all but dispense with the formalities and move right on to current events.
When it comes to the opposite sex, we're constantly wondering if any overture (whether sexual or not) will be interpreted as such. Thus emerges the game...you want to tell him/her, but let's beat about the bush a bit.
It's inevitable I would say...because Hitch said it best: When you come right out and tell someone how you feel about them, they freak out and run away.
Keep it going!!!
I love "keeping it true" can I use it too? But on some for real stuff - sometimes you can't keep it true, because you can't put all your cards on the table...sometimes it's not about not keeping it all the way true but about playing your cards right...like do people really like or stay interested in someone that they can read or that keeps it all the way a hundred during that first date?
Not to go all Matrix, but I think everyone has a residual image of who they perceive themselves to be, and this image translates into how people interact around others they don't really know. I think we all have a part of our personality that we really want to play up, and then other parts that we would rather minimize. Naturally, around people who you trust and feel comfortable with, you don't mind showing your "true self," but I think around someone you're trying to impress, you just want to show what you think are your best qualities. Unfortunately, as you've mentioned, this causes the issues in so many relationships.
Then, there's the whole manipulation aspect of it, usually as a result of these misunderstandings. Because both parties haven't been entirely transparent, the one is left to guess what will attract or annoy the other.
Maybe I'm just lazy, but I say keep it true, because ultimately, at the end of the day, that's how you can try to have a lasting and fulfilling relationship. Why waste the time pretending when you could have been yourself and landed the right guy/girl?
@Chino: let me know when you start your blog...i'm curious to see what you're gonna write about. I've heard about that book and both sexes suffer from the lack of transparency of intentions or misinterpretation of them. We've all decided that you can't just come right out and say "I like you" without the other person freaking out -- but that's because recent generations seem to be scared of real intimacy and commitment. Remember back in the day...really not that long ago...a man would clearly let his intentions be known and openly and formally "court" a woman? What happened between then and now? Seems like people got scared...and devised this game to make interactions a little less frightening.
@Shelby: Yes, you can use "Keeping it true" as long as I get credit every 3rd time you use it ;-)
I'm not necessarily saying tell your life story on your first date - we all need to keep something in reserve. A level of trust and comfort definitely has to be built so I agree with you on that. What I think needs to be gotten rid of are all the silly little games that get people acting crazy. People play the dating game like Spy vs. Spy. With each spy trying to outsmart the other, at what point do they get down to the real stuff? There is something to be said about mystery, but people are infinitely complex -- but the sooner you find out whether it's intruiging vs. "dang he/she is messed up" the better for us all. Games prolong that process.
@Jean: I like your matrix analogy and I think we are on the same page about the effect of the game. It's all well and good to play up your best qualities, but when the manipulation and deception come in -- it's a built-in time bomb on you relationship as each party discovers "the real" character of their partner...and things explode...
i've had my own playing the game moments - most of those moments i found myself in without realizing it, but looking back i was totally playing the game.
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