Who Am I and What Did I Do...?

On my way to visit a friend the other night, I passed by a group of about 20 people setting up to sleep outside for the night on the sidewalk in front of a store. No tents, no sleeping bags, many didn’t even have the typical woven sleeping mat – their bed was the cold, hard concrete and the cloth they wrapped themselves in. Here am I driving in a car that I didn’t buy, with food in my stomach that I didn’t cook, and a roof over my head I will be returning to that I don’t rent or own but can live in as if it were my own. As these thoughts paraded through my mind, I thought to myself – “Who am I and what did I do to deserve the life that I currently lead?”

I recently finished reading the latest Malcolm Gladwell book, “Outliers.” This book helped put into sharp perspective for me that a lot of the comfort, achievement, and success, that I (and many of us) enjoy today came not as a result of anything that I did, but a combination of blessing (some say luck/fate) and the work of those that came before me. A lot of who I am and what I have today came as a result of being born into it – the work contributed on my part? In the grand scheme, virtually a drop in the bucket. But this is not to say that I haven’t worked hard -- little drops of water makes a mighty ocean – all of us are contributors at our own level.

The book talks about how inherent advantages, life chances, etc. can cause two people with the same capabilities to have completely divergent life outcomes. It explores random factors such as being born during a certain part of the year, coming of age during a particular time-span in history, having chance access to a new technology, etc.. These seemingly innocuous factors can contribute, purely by chance, to a skyrocketing trajectory for some, and a merry-go-round ride for others.

As many of you know, I come from Ghana. We are a nation with great potential which we are steadily working toward, but one thing we still struggle with is the creation of a true middle-class. Right now, to be frank, you either have or you don’t. This is a story that is true around the world – there may be more money in industrialized nations, but the income inequality can be just as stark. I remember my father sitting me down one day and telling me outright; “You are lucky. The fact that you can wake up and get in a car [albeit a nice one] puts you in a different position that a vast majority of people in this country [Ghana], and in this world.” How do you react to that?

This piece is not meant to be a guilt-ridden confession or change manifesto, of an advantaged, college educated, middle-class man. It is rather a wake-up call to remind myself not to get lulled into a state of self-satisfied smugness where I rest on laurels that I only partially earned. I was born to two highly educated parents, who in their own right have achieved quite a bit. They both come from a stock of education and achievement that afforded them their life chances and a somewhat predetermined path to success. I’ve been to good schools and was EXPECTED to go to college. I was even EXPECTED to attend grad school. And here I now find myself traveling an already well worn path, which my progeny will undoubtedly walk as well.

I count myself as blessed, and the trick is to remember it as I go about my day-to-day life…thankfulness and humility go a long way...

Adults-in-Training, we all come from different backgrounds and have taken different paths to where we are today, but do you recognize the blessings/luck/advantages in your life?

Peace,
A-i-T

Faith is a Journey

As part of being an Adult-in-Training, I believe that we all deal with the question of spirituality/faith/religion on our respective paths toward being full-fledged grown folk. We run the gambit from being staunch atheists to being so “saved” that we must pray over using a “Dirt Devil” vacuum cleaner! No matter where you are on this continuum, exploring or evangelizing, seeking or sanctified, I think that it is important to remember that faith is a journey. Often, the trappings and ceremonies of religion can be an obstacle we must get around in order to reach our final destination.

I personally have always believed in God, but it was not until about four years ago did I begin to actively/consciously attempt to learn about Him and read His Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth (“B.I.B.L.E”. – by GZA of the Wu-Tang Clan). In 2009, I can claim a stronger belief in God, increased faith, and feeling a genuine pull to improve myself and uplift those around me in the “love thy neighbor” kinda way. Nevertheless, reaching where I am today has not been easy, and I still face some challenges/questions concerning the growth of my personal faith.

Those of you who know me well, know that I’ve been through a few things in the past three years. My wife and I have most definitely been through some things during that time. In my 26 years on this planet, the last few have by far been the most difficult, though at the same time some truly great things have happened. Now, this is not to ask for sympathy or condolences, but to say to you and even to remind myself that, I AM STILL HERE!

Those situations were neither the end of the world nor the end of me. I got through them, learned from them (some lessons stuck better than others), and for the most part, I can confidently say that I am a better person for having gone through those situations. Whether you believe in a higher power or not, I think we can all agree that life’s struggles tend to build character. Some say not to trust anybody who’s never had to struggle. For me, being able to believe in something bigger than myself was a major factor in weathering life’s inevitable storms. I have also been working to break out of the finite thinking, which a lot of us can get trapped in – not allowing ourselves to see beyond the problems staring us in the face. The bigger picture is always so much more revealing…

I read a great devotional on the In Touch Ministries website this morning called, Preparation for Greater Service, which inspired this post. The main takeaways for me were as follows:

-God takes whatever faith we bring to the table and helps us grow it.
-He knows which faith challenges to present to us so that we can learn and build our faith for future use (for us and others).
-If we begin to look at each difficulty as an opportunity designed by God specifically for the purpose of increasing our faith, this will help us see beyond the current drama enabling us to look positively toward the future.

Now I can sit here and wax lyrical until I’m blue in the face, but we all know that facing life’s challenges can be excruciatingly difficult. Hindsight is always 20/20, but what I’m trying to learn is to develop better vision while facing a problem so that I can get the most out of the opportunity. I’m trying to get to the point where I don’t even blink, and can stare difficulties in the face with faith corrected vision.

I have to keep on reminding myself though, faith is a journey, and I’m confident that one day, I will reach my destination…

Adults-in-Training where are you in your spiritual/faith/religious walk? How do you feel about going through this process and where it is leading? How has facing life’s problems grown and/or changed your life?

Peace,
A-i-T

Who Does Online Dating Work For?

It is obvious that online dating can work and can lead to "happily ever after," or the industry would have ended faster than a fake emergency phone call on a bad date! But if so, then why do so many participants still find it hard to make connections on a platform that is purported to “make finding the right connection easier?” I wonder: who does online dating actually work for? 

A few of my friends have tried their hands at internet dating with totally mixed results. Some have made what seems like a great connection online that becomes an “epic fail” in person. Others have managed to cross that first date threshold, only to later learn that little lay beyond their initially matched “online compatibility.” Still others, both guys and girls, just use online dating as a way to diversify their dating pool and bag a few extra dates for the month in order to make life a little more interesting. Most I have spoken to are just plain disappointed with the supposed “matches” generated by the site’s über amazing proprietary compatibility screening system. The least fortunate souls just seem to be magnets for solicitations from the sketchy male and female dregs of internet dating society. (“I give great massages…” – “umm, how about not?”) 

No matter how scientific or “accurate” online dating services claim their compatibility screening system is, the fact remains that matches are based entirely on voluntarily generated user input, within a prefabricated framework. I believe the major pitfall lies in the fact that due to a lack of honesty, in most cases, online compatibility systems will produce incompatible “matches.”  

Why is it that a sports team that looks perfect on paper, can lose to an underdog on the field? It happens in the same way that your online Brad Pitt/Denzel Washington or Eva Mendes/Halle Berry can turn out to be “Joe the Plumber” or Martha the lunch lady when you finally meet. This result eventually disappoints and discourages the person who is really looking for long lasting love, causing them to give up. 

Human chemistry, especially where love is concerned, ultimately cannot be reliably created in this online lab. Online dating theory and theoretical profiles (ranging from 0-110% fictitious) tend not to hold up in practice. It remains true that you don’t really know what you will see or if/how you will click with someone until you meet them in person. Online chemistry does not always translate in person. To use some economic terminology, there is no “perfect substitute.”  

I think that beyond the superficial level of profiles, pictures, and the communication game, the underlying issue is what are online daters REALLY looking for? There must be a reason that in most of the eHarmony and Match.com commercials most of the featured couples appear to be 35 and older. Are they perhaps more serious, more honest, and have less patience for games – which allows online dating to pay off for them? Is the 25-35 year old crowd mostly just looking to have some fun (read, hook up) and increase their “talent pool?” Are the “scientifically proven” compatibility profiles really capturing/accounting for the complexity and nuance of human chemistry/interaction? Let us not forget that Chemistry.com started because some people got REJECTED from E-harmony after filling out their profiles.  

In our modern, instant everything, give it to me in pill form, I want it yesterday society, is online dating just another outgrowth of people wanting to streamline and “technologize” (I think I made that word up) all aspects of society at the expense of the natural organic process? Or on the flip-side, as a friend recently pointed out, is it just people being too lazy to go out and try to meet people the old-fashioned way? 

Adults-in-Training, what have your experiences been with online dating? Do you think that it works, and if so, who does it work for? Does the serious love seeker actually find a match or will the players/playettes be the ones reaping the rewards?

Related Post: The Game 

Peace, 

A-i-T

Advice Needed: A-i-T is Going Back to School

I’m starting grad school in a couple of weeks, and my mind is racing as are my emotions. It’s been a full four years since I last sat in a classroom, wrote a research paper, or studied for an exam. Since leaving that focused environment, I feel slightly more than rusty in those areas, and find myself excited as well as anxious about being back in the trappings of academia. Raise your hand with me if you feel a little less smart (in certain ways) now than you did in college…? I know I do… (especially after reading some of my old essays!)

Grad school was always something I was working toward in the near future, but now that it’s finally here, part of me is still in disbelief. This is my first tangible step toward leaving behind jobs, albeit good ones, and embarking on a career in the field that I feel is my calling. I will be pursing a master's degree in Counseling Psychology, with hopes of ultimately becoming a therapist in private practice. This is one of those big life steps that can make you feel equal parts ecstatic and queasy.

“Am I ready and can I really do this?” “Am I as smart/hard working as the other people in the program?” “Do I remember how to skim for content?” “APA format, what’s that?” “How do I make it sound like I did the reading assignment?” “Who’s Cliff again?” “How do I get a good job so I can pay off this debt?” These are just some of the questions swirling in my mind.

I comfort myself with the fact that I am blessed having already been accepted – that’s at least 50% of the battle right? Now comes the fun part…! (a small hint of sarcasm on that)

Aside from the academic concerns, my thoughts also turn towards lifestyle changes ("wait, there's no paycheck!?!?"). I recently got married and am still adjusting to my newly acquired role as a husband. Working a 9 to 5 job allows you to leave your work @ work (which is lovely). Being back in school, I'll have to reacquaint myself with the concept of "homework" and the fact that there is always something you could/should be doing. How will I balance being attentive to my wife during those precious evening hours, while making sure to deal with the copious amounts of reading and writing I will inevitably have to do? It's enough to make a young A-i-T's head spin...

So I turn to you, my fellow Adults-in-Training: What advice can you offer me and anyone else getting ready to go back to school? How does one adjust to being back in academia? How does one juggle this new form of work/life balance? What are the most important issues to address to make this thing work?

This is a big step, so I want to make sure we do it right! Thank you in advance for your input for me and anyone else who is in the same shoes!!!

Peace & Love,

A-i-T

Guest Post: Why We Need God Now More Than Ever

Written by Mrs. A-i-T:

This is a weird night for me. It’s 3:02AM as I write this, and I’m more awake now than I was about 45mins ago because I have these images in my mind. You see I just finished watching this documentary called, “Very Young Girls” on Showtime. This documentary aired months ago but I missed it for some reason (probably a good one) because I remember making a mental note to watch it. As I changed the channel, because I didn’t want to watch the Sex and the City movie on HBO for the umpteenth time ;-) the familiar title caught my attention and I began to watch…

Shaneiqua: I got into the life when I was 12 years old. I was still in middle school at the time. Ebony: I was 13; Martha: I was 14; Carolina: 16; Dominique: 13 1/2, going on 14; Kim: I started at the age of 13, and the sexploitation is like, at the age 13, what choices do I have?

As the documentary took me through the lives of Dominique, Carolina, Ebony, and many other girls, all I could do was cry because my heart broke with every story. These young women, even though repeatedly arrested for prostitution, were victims of kidnapping, abduction, rape and sex slavery. Many of them, with the help of the organization the documentary focused on, Girls Education & Mentoring Services (G.E.M.S), made it out of “The Life,” as they called it, and become thriving young women who used their experiences to help others or just went on to live normal lives. Dominique got married and got a job with G.E.M.S. Others like Ebony, stricken with the shame and guilt from “The Life” and brainwashed with the illusion of a love relationship between themselves and their pimps – well, they required a little more work.

But why am I telling you this? I could go off on the judicial system: a mother whose daughter had been reported missing for two months was sent home by the police to return another day, even though she had approached them with a tip about her daughter being seen with a pimp in a house with other girls; and on the sick, sick people out there who put these young children in these situations. But I will not. Neither will I want you to pity these girls – because I personally admire them. As of right now, I am not half not even 1/8 as strong as they are. Some of them convicted me on all the things I complain about. Can you imagine continuing to live even when you feel like the best thing that could happen to you is death? No, I can’t – I would not continue to live my life – I may have given up. So no, this is not about feeling sorry for these young women.

Then as I continued to watch I noticed that for the founder of G.E.M.S (a former victim) and the girls who survived then thrived, a belief in God was fundamental. At the end of the documentary, Dominique sang:

"I will sing Your praise; for You've done such a marvelous thingfor someone so wretched; yet my soul You have redeemed. No one else could do it; no one could care half as much; yet You thought my soul was worth it; so You gave Your only Son. You gave that I might live. You gave that I might be set free. Exchanged Your life for mine,what a marvelous thing You've done."

http://www.imeem.com/sistasoul1/music/_ZmjiQsI/walter-hawkins-marvelous/

I couldn’t believe it! Was she singing those words with all she had been through? Why wasn’t she blaming God for her troubled past like most people and denouncing Him? I have to say I was stunned. But it makes sense to me, you see the presence of God and the reality of the existence of a God is not equal to the absence of evil. Dominique knew that she was where she was today because something bigger than herself had gotten her there – she chose to believe that something was God.

There are two sides on the scale of good and evil, which means that in OUR world TODAY where a 40 year old man can beat a 14 year old girl close to death and leave her for dead, we have to tip the scale in the other direction. Dominique understands that God used people to tip the scale in her favor, so she gives Him the credit, but what about the rest of us? People do still do good without God – but since God is the source of ALL GOOD, and it is not out of obligation or moral superiority that people do good, there must exist of a Spirit of good which comes from a Source and a Force of Good.

In OUR world there are grown men who rape 5 year olds (as seen on Oprah), WE must tip the scale and increase the presence and the magnitude of the Spirit of God and Good. We must “be renewed by the transformation of our minds” because we have failed as a people without the Source. In a world where a mother allegedly drives drunk and high with her child and three nieces, we have failed to heal our own wounds. We have failed to fill the hole that needs to be filled by something fundamentally life-giving. We have failed to “love thy neighbor as thy self,” because we continue to kill and slight each other.

How does God love us? Unconditionally! When was the last time you loved unconditionally? Yet, He calls us to love one another as He loves us. We have failed to trust, we have failed to be honest in all aspects of our lives. WE ARE FAILING. YOU might be doing alright but ask Ebony, Dominique, Kim and the other girls and I bet they’d tell you life would be much better for them if their pimps lived by the Spirit of the law of God i.e. the heart of the message of the Bible -- LOVE.

“Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God and everyone that loves is born of God and knows God. He that loves not, knows not God, for God IS love.” (1 John 4:7-8)

Isn’t it that simple...?

Manufacturing Consent

I recently decided to make a conscious effort to read more widely, deeply, and critically about the world around me, in order broaden and better inform my thoughts, ideas, and opinions (both news and literature). I figure that this is something any good A-i-T should be doing. We all know the saying that, “Knowledge is power,” but perhaps even more profound is the notion that the control of information is true power.

Remember the game, “Telephone,” that we used to play in school, where the teacher would whisper a message in one student’s ear and have it passed through a series of students until it was reported five to ten iterations later? Invariably, the message reported by the last student was quite different from the original. Now, replace students playing telephone in a classroom, with radio, television, and newspapers informing the masses. Added to this are layers of state or corporate owners, profit margins, shareholders, advertisers, and in some cases underlying agendas. Given the number of filters through which information passes before we consume it as end-users, how true to the original message could this information really be?

Using the US as an example, the majority of major (read, mainstream) newspapers, radio and television stations are owned by a handful of large media conglomerates, each with their own set of interests, political leanings, and philosophies. Companies such as Viacom, CBS Corporation, Time Warner, News Corp, Hearst, Sony BMG, and Clear Channel Communications control a large swath of the US media landscape and therefore the news and even the music we listen to. Now, if your favorite newspaper or radio station owes its survival to large corporations and various controlling interests, whose interests do they really have at heart when they disseminate information?

Does the media industry supply us with information or does it manufacture our consent/opinion? Is the latest 50-Cent song really fire, or were you told that it’s hot because you’ve heard it five times on three different radio stations in the same hour? Is the Obama administration’s universal health-care plan really going to resolve this major issue? The NY Times, Fox, and CNN will have three different angles on the story.

Where then should we as A-i-T’s turn for our news? Thankfully we have this wonderful thing called the internet that has democratized information sharing and has given rise to an abundance of independent voices (including this blogger) who can add to the general discourse. Granted, there is a lot of garbage to wade through on the net before you can get to credible sources, but once found, they can be an invaluable way to check and balance what we see, hear and read in the mainstream media. One site I recently got turned on to was Zmag.com (Znet & Zmagazine in particular). I suggest that you check it out.

Control of information, especially in the information age that we live in, truly is power, but let us not forget our own agency in this matter. We have complete control over what information we consume and ultimately place our faith in. As A-i-Ts it’s definitely our responsibility to make sure that our consent, to believe, to support, and even to buy, is informed, and NOT manufactured.

Adults-in-Training, where do you turn for independent sources of news? Let's help each other diversify our news sources. What do you think about how the majority of us consume news/information?

Peace,
A-i-T

Helping Out at Home...(It's Up to YOU!)

“It’s up to you. If your generation doesn’t fix Ghana, then it will not happen…” ~My Mom

As some of you may know, I am from the great nation of Ghana. Independent since 1957, we were the first country in sub-Saharan Africa to declare independence from colonial power (the Brits). Fifty-two years later, Ghana was also the first country that President Obama visited in Africa as we are one of the few blessed to have a solid record of peace, stability, and democracy. We have come a long way in our free history, but there are yet many miles to go in our journey of “development” (a tricky piece of jargon).

My mom made the above statement to me when I was a senior in high school (yo, the woman does not play!) and it has stuck with me since. Though some who know my history would consider me more of a New Yorker than anything; I declare that, my heart, my home is Ghana.

I’m back now for the first time in five years (a little older and wiser), and it’s evident that the visible progress (new roads, construction, etc.) is merely a façade obscuring the major issues beneath. The question is; what can I do? A seemingly impossible question, but many complex problems often have strikingly simple solutions…

Growing up, I had chores, and it was expected of me to help around the house. If your home is dirty, you clean it up. You simply cannot expect anyone else to do it for you. If you are good at sweeping, you sweep. If washing dishes is your thing, you go hard and do it well. If a family unit works together, each playing to their strengths, there are few issues that they cannot solve. Can’t similar principles be applied to community and nation-building?

Note: I am not forgetting issues like slavery; colonialism + neo; brain-drain; capitalism --> you must first have it to play the game; and strings attached development aid. They are part of a much deeper discussion we can have face-to-face :-)

Now, we all have a place that we call “home,” but I’m using the term in both specific and broad terms. Home could be anything from the country and/or city you grew up in, down to the walkable 1 mile radius where you currently reside. The issue remains the same; as we Adults-in-Training continue to grow into our future selves, complete with careers (not jobs), families and real grown-folk responsibilities, how are we going to use our work and/or volunteering to positively impact the ‘X’ on the map that we call home?

We are part of a generation arguably at the peak of human innovation and progress. Yet we are burdened with a global financial crisis, environmental, political and humanitarian issues that were unheard of just a generation ago. We are just getting to the age where we can truly make a difference, and if we get things moving on the right track, the future is indeed bright. No matter where or how big your home is, there are always things to be done…

Adults-in-Training, our collective homes are dirty, how are we going to use our strengths to help clean up? It’s up to YOU! If you don’t fix it, then it will not happen…

“Now go out there and be somebody!” ~Dave Chappelle

Public Service Announcement: Please do not use the term “third world country.” Simply put, “third world” by whose standards? There is only one world - it’s called Earth - and we all live in it. Thanks.

Peace,
A-i-T

Thank You Fellow A-i-T's

Hey fellow Adults-in-Training, I write to say a big THANK YOU to everyone who has been reading my blog thus far. I’m only a few weeks in and 9 posts deep, but the reactions and feedback have been very positive – more than I ever expected!

I appreciate all of you who have reached out to me via email, IM, Facebook, or through my wife to let me know that you like what I’m doing. It has encouraged me to keep going, and has also put a little pressure on me to not write anything wack, so I’ll do my best ;-)

NOTE: THIS IS YOUR BLOG TOO! If any of you want to write a guest post or have ideas for a topic, please let me know! I welcome additional points of view, other than my own, or feedback on how this blog can be better. Feel free to send me pictures, stories, articles, etc. to share with the A-i-T community.

Thank you, to all those who have left comments on my posts -- they are important and valuable to me. Aside from letting me know that what I write is actually being read, it also lets me know that I make at least some sense. I encourage all of you to weigh in, if and when inspired. This blog can’t be a forum for discussion without the discussion, now can it? You can comment anonymously or in full public view, the choice is yours – as long as you choose to comment! ;-p

Also, don’t forget to show your support by joining this blog as a public member. Just click the “FOLLOW” button in right-hand nav-bar, found in the “FELLOW ADULTS-IN-TRAINING” SECTION.

Peace and Love,
A-i-T

Do Online Social Networks Give Us The Illusion of Staying in Touch? PART 2

Life is so funny sometimes...I found this image checking out this website digg.com, for the first time today. Scrolling down the page, lo and behold, I find what would have been the perfect illustration for my July 26th Post: Do Online Social Networks Give Us The Illusion of Staying in Touch? (Click link to read for the first time or refresh your memory)

If talking is the highest form of intimacy, and following twitter updates is the lowest, this illustration lends some credence to my previous post about how we are communicating with one another these days. I am curious to know which forms of communication are preferred vs. most often used, among the readers of my humble blog.

Adults-In-Training, what did you think about the above illustration? In our “instant everything,” “I want it yesterday culture,” I feel like a lot of our communication these days takes place between levels 1 through 5 of intimacy. We still use levels 6 through 10 but seemingly less often. What say you? (I’m not the Gallup Poll, but check out a couple of poll questions on the side bar…)

Peace,

A-i-T

I Mean to Burst Your Bubble...

Please Click Here to read the article that inspired this post:

“Westchester Agrees to Add Housing in a Desegregation Pact.”

What?!?! Is this 2009 or 1959? After reading this headline on the front page of today's (August 10th) NYTimes website, I had to check my calendar just to be sure. Desegregation + 2009 = That does not compute…Or does it?

As human beings, we have a natural tendency to settle into living in a bubble – whether externally or self-imposed. This bubble includes our neighborhood, our workplace, our friends/family and the places we go to shop & unwind. It’s a discrete little world that is for the most part, familiar, predictable, and above all, comfortable.

Due to their nature, bubbles (real and social): can float; are transparent; permeable; elastic; reflective; they also at once, include and exclude. I argue, however, that they are most fun when they POP! And that’s what needs to happen, socially speaking, FOR ALL OF US…

The thing about dialogue, especially on race, is that it takes at least two to play the game, but if your bubble and my bubble never bump into each other how can that conversation ever start?

“Residential segregation underlies virtually every racial disparity in America, from education to jobs to the delivery of health care” ~Craig Gurian (Exec. Director, Anti-Discrimination Center)

Keeping it true, race, class, and to some extent, gender, directly impact a person’s ability to create and shape their bubble. To be blunt, the more money and education you have, the better your ability to customize your bubble and the antithesis also holds true. This article reflects Westchester as an exclusive, impermeable, and inelastic bubble, created by the individuals that live there (both actively and passively), and their local government (please do not interpret this as an indictment on Westchester):

“…between 2000 and 2006 the county had misrepresented its efforts to desegregate overwhelmingly white communities when it applied for federal housing funds.” ~Referenced NYTimes Article

As mentioned above, by their very nature, bubbles can include or exclude because they have a membrane (sometimes selectively permeable). When that social bubble is reinforced by active will and/or passive circumstance, it not only keeps foreign bodies out, it also restricts the bubble from expanding beyond its artificial and self-imposed borders. To be fair, similar arguments could be directed at predominantly minority areas like Harlem. However, the critical difference between communities like Harlem and Westchester is that the former, is arguably an externally imposed bubble dictated by socio-economics, politics, etc, while the latter is largely self-imposed.

How do we move forward? Simply put, our bubbles need to come together. The beauty and mystery of bubbles is that when they come close enough to one another, there is a force of attraction that causes them to snap together. I guess they recognize each other as being one of their own. If enough time and/or pressure are exerted, two bubbles eventually become one or they POP! Either result can be beautiful to watch…

Ultimately, our utopian vision should be a world without bubbles – which means there are no barriers to cross or walls to merge and/or break down. I have been blessed in the short 26 years I’ve been on this planet to have lived in London; NYC; Accra, Ghana during high school; Clinton, NY for college, Paris studying abroad; and Boston. The greatest byproduct of all my travels is that my bubble burst, and the rest of the world came rushing in…

Let’s think about NYC briefly from a Manhattan-centric P.O.V.: Some people eat sleep, and breathe below 14th street; for others, all you need is mid-town; still others won’t venture past 96th in either direction, and to most, the Bronx, Brooklyn, and Queens might as well be in another country! Let’s also not forget the cross-town beef between the Upper East and Upper West sides…need I say more?

I know there are still a few miles to go on this issue and a lot of hard work and conversations need to be had, but in the mean time, I hope this post can serve as a polite finger that will rudely burst our collective bubble…

Adults-in-Training, what was your reaction to even reading the word “desegregation” in 2009? What is our role as the next generation stepping up in bursting the bubbles that have prevented progress? Am I making too big a deal out of this? Are bubbles sometimes necessary?

Peace,
A-i-T

If It's Broke...Try to Fix it...

Please Click Here to read the article that inspired this post:

“There are times in every relationship when the parties involved need a break. What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?” ~Laura A. Munson

It is commonly accepted, that the current divorce rate in the US is approximately 50%. This means that people in this country are about as likely to get divorced as they are to correctly guess “heads” or “tails” in a coin toss. WOW, are you for surrious? If that’s what marriage means in the US context for our generation and those to come, we’ve got some serious work to do!

As someone who recently got married, in front of God, my family and friends, I flatly refuse to become a statistic. How have we gotten to a point where people treat marriage like a car lease or some other terminable contract? – “when I get tired of driving this car, I’ll take it back to the dealer and trade it in for a new/different model.” (pun brutally intended)

Which part of “for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part” do people not understand, or rather, conveniently forget? To me, what those vows convey at their most basic level is that you and your chosen husband/wife agree to work out together, the inevitable challenges that life and marriage will present. Plain and simple – well, perhaps plain, but not so simple…

We can all agree that there are a few universal, morally/culturally accepted reasons for divorce:
1) Adultery
2) Abuse
Beyond that, I’d like to humbly argue that two mature and rational adults who have CHOSEN to enter into marriage should have the ability to come to a mutually agreeable resolution. I am not ignorant of the many circumstances by which a marriage can dissolve: incompatibility; finances; how he/she squeezes the toothpaste. Some marriages were never meant to be. However, I think that a combination of immaturity, selfishness and romanticized (read, unrealistic) views of marriage play a large part in the higher than acceptable rate of divorce. In addition, changes in social and familial structure have eroded many of the external checks and balances needed to help keep a marriage together.

Note to Wedding Guests: aside from eating, drinking, giving nice gifts and being happy for the newly married couple – your chief role is actually to serve as an accountability witness, who beyond that special day, are supposed to assist the bride & groom in honoring their marriage vows.

I keep insisting on the word “chosen,” because marriage (within the US/western context) is normally entered into voluntarily by both parties – though some men may disagree ;-)
You of your own free will chose to marry the man or woman who you felt you could spend the rest of your life with. If you can make a choice of such a profound nature, why is it so hard to choose safeguard and save this choice?

In the NYTimes piece, I was struck by the maturity, understanding, and honor that the author displayed in allowing her husband to work out, what were ultimately his own issues, in order to save their marriage. It was not easy, but then again nothing in life that’s worth anything ever is…
The ending of her story is not everyone's ending, but I think her approach is one that can be learned from. Right now the approach seems to be "get divorced, ask questions later..." How can we change that mentality?

When you are not happy in a marriage you have to take responsibility for yourself. Your husband/wife cannot fix you or your issue(s). It is also grossly unfair to depend entirely upon your spouse for your own happiness – that is an impossible feat at best. The author sums it up well: "When life’s knocked us around. And our childhood myths reveal themselves to be just that. The truth feels like the biggest sucker-punch of them all: it’s not a spouse or land or a job or money that brings us happiness. Those achievements, those relationships, can enhance our happiness, yes, but happiness has to start from within. Relying on any other equation can be lethal."

This truth will save a lot of marriages and this attitude should be present beforehand, so that “I do,” doesn’t become, “Not really.”

As for being unhappy, emotions come and go like the wind, so take it from the author, "take responsibility for [your] own happiness...Go trekking in Nepal. Build a yurt in the back meadow. Turn the garage studio into a man-cave. Get that drum set you’ve always wanted. Anything but hurting [your spouse and maybe children] with a reckless move..."

If something in your life breaks, your normal inclination is to try and fix it. The US economy just broke and the government that is wed to it is trying to fix it. If your marriage breaks…Try To Fix It…

Adults-in-Training, what was your reaction to the NYTimes article? What are your views on marriage and divorce in the US – what can we do to reverse the trend?

Peace,
A-i-T

P.S. This was a long one...but I had to get it all on wax. Thanks for reading!

The Game

“When you meet someone for the first time, you’re not meeting them – you’re meeting their representative!” ~Chris Rock

Too often, this really is the truth. We all know about first impression theory, especially when it comes to dating, but I humbly offer that the relationship/dating game in of itself keeps too many people from making the right connection. If everyone’s end goal is to find a good companion, then why play the games that inevitably create stress, melodrama and emotional strife? Why do we collectively perpetuate a system based to a certain extent on gaming & deception?

If people stopped playing games and started “keeping it true” (I’m done with “keeping it real”) I think more people would actually win. I acknowledge that people’s personal histories, personality, preferences, etc. play a critical role in how they approach relationships/dating, BUT wouldn’t we make deeper connections sooner if people remained true, rather than disguising what they are bringing to the table?

Think about your close friends and how you became such. No games just truth, right? And it happened fast – you just clicked. Last time I checked, most of us would hold truth/genuineness as one of the main reasons we associate with those we hold close. The same logic should then apply to intimate relationships. So why then, do we add all these layers of deception/complication?

I bet you and your guys/girls have strategized like this at some point:
-“If I ignore him/her, then he/she will want me more.”
-“If I send him/her this text/email, he/she might do [fill in the blank]?”
-“Should I bother to call, text, or email him/her”
-“What did he/she mean when he/she said or did [fill in the blank]” And so on.

Is dating really like a game of poker, where you can strategize, read, bluff, and deceive your way into winning the pot?

We say and do things in dating to illicit a desired response from the opposite sex. Now, if we have to game and experiment our way into a relationship – how real/deep/long lasting can the relationship really be? I’m not ignorant of the fact that there is a “how to” and “how not to” successfully date, but how far are we going to take the game?

Making friends is pretty simple and organic – it kinda "just happens.” Is dating/finding a significant other really inherently that much more complicated – or do we just make it so?

In the end, it looks to me like we might just be playing ourselves…

Adults-in-Training, why do we keep playing these games when ultimately, they don’t get us what we really want – are we trying to hide something? Are you a firm believer in playing the game, or do you believe that “keeping it true” is a viable alternative?

Hitting the Refresh Button in Your Life…

New York is a hustle, from the moment you step out of your door in the AM, till the moment you return home in varying states of haggardness, in the PM. Aside from those priceless, “only in NYC moments” that seem to make living in the city totally worth it, we are on the grind daily. In most major urban cities, we the inhabitants know only one speed, and that’s “Go!” If we do have a second gear it’s likely to be “Crash,” because even on the weekends we “Go Hard” -- some a little harder than others ;-)

New Yorkers, especially, will claim to be the busiest people on earth -– in both their professional and even their personal lives. It’s gotten to the point where being busy is no longer a transient occurrence, but rather a state of being. When you get caught up in all the things going on around you, when do you have time for YOU?

This is an issue I’ve been struggling with. I love to DJ, play soccer, work out, read, etc. These are things that I’m supposedly passionate about, yet they seem to fall by the wayside – and somehow I still manage to watch 3-4 hours of TV most nights…What’s wrong with this picture? (No pun intended)

I played a great game of pick up soccer a few weeks ago and it felt absolutely amazing! This is a sport that I have loved since age 6, and the mere mention of the game brings nothing but happy thoughts. If we fail to do the things in life that we love, then aren’t we failing ourselves to some extent?

I hear the phrase, “I haven’t [fill in the blank: hobby/interest/passion] in so long…” way too often from myself and others. Aside from the building of your mind, body, and your skills that take place when you are pursuing a passion – you are also giving yourself time to REGENERATE/REFRESH.

The regenerated you functions at 100% in all areas of your life – from your work to your relationships (especially your relationships – ‘cos we’ve all worked on auto-pilot). When you are functioning at full capacity you can handle just about anything, and be the best you. You can be on point at work and physically/emotionally available to your significant other when together. How you hit the refresh button is up to you, but the goal should be to push the button at least once a week. Whether it’s taking in a movie by yourself (like my wife), or making sure to get in that pick-up game at your local basketball court – I encourage all of you to get back to doing what you love.

Adults-in-Training, what do you do to regenerate yourself/hit the refresh button on your life? What are some of your passions that you’ve put up on the shelf (for whatever reason) that you need to take down and dust off?

Adults-in-Training, I challenge you to pick up an old hobby/interest that you just haven’t been able to “find time” for. Make the time for it this weekend, and do it. See if it doesn’t make you super happy!

Peace,

A-i-T

Put on Your Oxygen Mask First…

They say that if three or more people tell you the same thing (about yourself) it must be true. Well for me, one of those things is that I’m “too nice.” That may not sound like a problem, but I can be nice to the point that it’s occasionally detrimental to me.

Whether you believe in God or not, we all have issues that He or we are trying to work out in our lives. I am a firm believer that until we learn that lesson, we will keep on finding ourselves in situations that test that area of weakness (read, opportunity for growth) in us. I tend to take care of others before taking care of myself, sometimes making secondary priorities of things that are critical to ME.

The reason they tell us on airplanes to put our oxygen mask on first is so that we will have the breath in our lungs and the presence of mind to help those next to us. What good is it if you are suffocating while trying to help someone else? You both may lose…

I don’t mean to be morbid but this is a serious yet simple lesson I’m trying to learn. When you take care of yourself (not to the point of selfishness) and you have your priorities in order, you then have the opportunity to look around and see how you can be of help to others. The order and stability that you have created in your life affords you a solid platform from which you can be of value to others. In other words, if you and your crew are individually and collectively a hot mess – how useful can any of you really be when someone else is in crisis?

Adults-in-Training, what lessons do you feel like you haven’t passed yet? And what areas in life do you feel like you still need to put your oxygen mask on first?

Peace,
A-i-T