It is obvious that online dating can work and can lead to "happily ever after," or the industry would have ended faster than a fake emergency phone call on a bad date! But if so, then why do so many participants still find it hard to make connections on a platform that is purported to “make finding the right connection easier?” I wonder: who does online dating actually work for?
A few of my friends have tried their hands at internet dating with totally mixed results. Some have made what seems like a great connection online that becomes an “epic fail” in person. Others have managed to cross that first date threshold, only to later learn that little lay beyond their initially matched “online compatibility.” Still others, both guys and girls, just use online dating as a way to diversify their dating pool and bag a few extra dates for the month in order to make life a little more interesting. Most I have spoken to are just plain disappointed with the supposed “matches” generated by the site’s über amazing proprietary compatibility screening system. The least fortunate souls just seem to be magnets for solicitations from the sketchy male and female dregs of internet dating society. (“I give great massages…” – “umm, how about not?”)
No matter how scientific or “accurate” online dating services claim their compatibility screening system is, the fact remains that matches are based entirely on voluntarily generated user input, within a prefabricated framework. I believe the major pitfall lies in the fact that due to a lack of honesty, in most cases, online compatibility systems will produce incompatible “matches.”
Why is it that a sports team that looks perfect on paper, can lose to an underdog on the field? It happens in the same way that your online Brad Pitt/Denzel Washington or Eva Mendes/Halle Berry can turn out to be “Joe the Plumber” or Martha the lunch lady when you finally meet. This result eventually disappoints and discourages the person who is really looking for long lasting love, causing them to give up.
Human chemistry, especially where love is concerned, ultimately cannot be reliably created in this online lab. Online dating theory and theoretical profiles (ranging from 0-110% fictitious) tend not to hold up in practice. It remains true that you don’t really know what you will see or if/how you will click with someone until you meet them in person. Online chemistry does not always translate in person. To use some economic terminology, there is no “perfect substitute.”
I think that beyond the superficial level of profiles, pictures, and the communication game, the underlying issue is what are online daters REALLY looking for? There must be a reason that in most of the eHarmony and Match.com commercials most of the featured couples appear to be 35 and older. Are they perhaps more serious, more honest, and have less patience for games – which allows online dating to pay off for them? Is the 25-35 year old crowd mostly just looking to have some fun (read, hook up) and increase their “talent pool?” Are the “scientifically proven” compatibility profiles really capturing/accounting for the complexity and nuance of human chemistry/interaction? Let us not forget that Chemistry.com started because some people got REJECTED from E-harmony after filling out their profiles.
In our modern, instant everything, give it to me in pill form, I want it yesterday society, is online dating just another outgrowth of people wanting to streamline and “technologize” (I think I made that word up) all aspects of society at the expense of the natural organic process? Or on the flip-side, as a friend recently pointed out, is it just people being too lazy to go out and try to meet people the old-fashioned way?
Adults-in-Training, what have your experiences been with online dating? Do you think that it works, and if so, who does it work for? Does the serious love seeker actually find a match or will the players/playettes be the ones reaping the rewards?
Peace,
A-i-T
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5 comments:
Totally real and relevant topic. I have friends who do match.com just to date and meet guys. Their mindset is "the more guys I date, the closer I'll get to the right one." Personally, I'd rather wait. By doing so, I also feel I would be keeping myself from emotional "junk" and from setting myself up for relationships that would not work otherwise. That's just me, of course. But I feel that as a society we sometimes settle or look for love in the wrong places. Good one Ni!
Well, I have tried it and at times am still trying it. So, I am not yet going to say whether or not I think it works. I too wonder about the age factor and sometimes think that online dating only works for the 35 and older crowd. I have met a few people (3 to be exact) who believe online dating to be a success as they are currently dating their online match, but time will tell if the relationship lasts.
I have done online dating before and it was fun but crazy! Most of the people I went on dates with I didn't want to see a second time. I think online dating is more suitable for people who really want to have a relationship rather than people who just want to see "what's out there"
@Natalie: Thanks Natalie! I agree with you about waiting, I don't think the numbers game is necessarily the best approach either. It's like the gambler's fallacy where if you keep on playing, you are bound to win because it's "your time/turn." The odds are impossibly stacked against you -- people win at random. Hitting the jackpot in gambling or in love are similar; you cannot predict it and you never really expect it when it happens - there is no formula (or number threshold for that matter).
@Remember: Yeah, it seems tough for people our age - especially those looking for something serious. But at least we know that some people's needs are definitely being met, like your 3 friends.
@Nana: online dating does seem to be a bit of a crap-shoot. One could argue that it's a "one date wonder" service...beyond that, there are no guarantees...
I think you are right about who it works for. If you are dedicated, honest, and serious about using the online dating tool, you probably have a higher chance of finding what you are looking for...
Very relevant, and I have tried both Match and eHarmony. The numbers game in it of itself is not a bad thing, but we shouldn't limit it to solely people we choose to date. Meeting people is the best way to meet other people. A recent issue of Men's Health had a great article on the topic of men meeting women, though the opposite of course applies.
The article stresses the concept of "weak ties", that meaning that acquaintances can lead you to new friends, and possibly (or inevitably) your "match." Fact is, you tend to share interests, however few with many people you meet, and through them you will find others, etc, etc.
It sprung up as an alternative to the bar/club/lounge scene, and isn't so much a function of our "I need it now" society, but rather that of our "I am too lazy, cannot be bothered" society or "I am too busy to date." If met with rejection, we rationalize that it is better to avoid than to attack head on. Men's Health (the issue is the one with Josh Duhamel on the cover) argues that we need to step outside of our tight-knit group of friends and broaden our horizons - find free movies in your city (ala Bryant Park), free outdoor shows, etc, etc and strike up conversations there.
I would argue that in the grander scheme of things, online dating does not work, and for all the reasons you mention Nii. Having done both Match and eHarmony, there is a huge disconnect while you are writing your profile, or answering the hundreds of questions. First, can one really write an objective description of themselves? Second, it is easy to WRITE the right thing, when you have time to think, but face-to-face is infinitely more challenging. I found myself answering the questions on eHarmony with little interest...and no, I didn't feel as though I knew my "Match" better after reading their answers to my questions.
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